Expert: Carl Fuglein - 2/23/2005

Question
Hello, My names Kieya, 17 years...junior and here is my story... I've always considered myself someone who is close to God. I may not live the strict Christian life but I love God so much and I know that he loves me. I've prayed every single night since I could remember and honestly those are times during the day that I look foward too. But life right now for me is so complicated. Not so much my situations at the moment but just my thoughts on everything going on in my life. I've been through a lot since my 9th grade year. That was the year I met Seth. I fell in love, lost my virginity and had my heart broken many times by him. We're not together anymore and I'm honestly glad we're not but I'll always care for him. It's so weird because every time Seth and I had sex I always regretted it...EVERY SINGLE TIME! But for some reason I always managed to do it again. The guilt on me grew larger and larger. During those times I believe I became a little distant towards God. I couldn't talk to God about anything just because I didn't feel like I deserved anything, so I kind of shut him out. I always had a feeling that God didn't want Seth and I to be together, even though I hated the thought, I could never ignore it.
But what is so weird is that that same year Seth and me met, another guy named Matt came along. It was nothing instant either. But it was after one night of hanging out with him (because Seth couldn't be there) I felt like I met my soul mate. That was alomost over 2 years ago but it's like I can remember almost every single thing about that night, and other times we hung out. I didn't even know Matt that well, but we were instant friends and enjoyed each others company alot. Everyone could tell there was an attraction between the both of us. But nothing ever happend. I've always had this longing infatuation for this guy. I thought I was head over heels for Seth until Matt came along.... even when i was with Seth...I thought about Matt. I pray to God about Matt every night, just hoping and wishing he'd give me some clues on why I think and like this guy sooo incredibly much even after 2 years. It actually gets annoying. But it's like then I get this feeling that God is telling me to be patient, that the right time will come. Matt has came down to the town that I live in numerous times, but always seems to miss me. He'll call and I'll miss his call, or I'll be doing something. But I honestly think God is doing that on purpose. I think that God has a plan for me, but I don't know what it is...but I'm hoping it has to do with Matt.
Sometimes I feel so crazy for liking someone so much that I never see and don't even know that well anymore. But the feelings won't go away. I just need some input on this exhasting situation. Thank you so much!
Kieya

Oh yeah...Seth and Matt were both seniors when I was a freshman...

Answer
Hi Keiya-

Let's see if we can sort this out.  First of all, God has forgiven you for your indiscretion with Seth.  I always have problems when seniors date freshmen - there is a HUGE maturity imbalance.  You were "in love" with Seth, so you were willing to give him anything, including your body.  Bottom line is simple - guys will give "love" to get sex and girls will give "sex" to "get" love.  Does that make sense to you?  When you were a freshman, you just wanted someone to love you.  Seth wanted somebody to have sex with.  That's how the two of you fell into bed together - you each had something the other wanted.

So, you've grown.  You know that what you did was wrong.  God has forgiven you.  It's time to move on.

Why do you love Matt?  Probably because he's inaccessible.  If he were more accessible, you might date, you might find out if you were meant for each other. But you still have lots of time.  You also have to realize that there is STILL a huge difference in your ages and maturity levels.  Five years from now it won't matter, but right now, I think it still does.  You're a junior - Matt's in college.  I think that what you need to do is enjoy high school while you still can.  You're still far too young to be thinking about love and marriage - you still have a year and a half of high school, then 4 or 5 years of college.  You've probably heard this from every other adult in your life, but it's still true - we want the best for you, and that is usually college, not marriage.  Getting married at your age is awful, even getting married at 21 can be too young for some.

So, what do you do?  I'd casually date other guys who are in your high school.  Just hang out with them, don't let anything serious develop.  If Matt's in town and manages to reach you, you can go out with him, too, but trust me when I tell you that you won't want a junior in college as a boyfriend during your senior year.  Senior years are fun, and they're best shared with other seniors.

God does indeed have a plan for you.  It includes a solid Christian guy.  It may be Matt, but it is most likely not.  I would stop dreaming about him and move on.  If God truly wants the two of you together, circumstances will change and you will be together.  I think that God IS giving you some clues about the plan, and you're absolutely right - patience is part of the plan.

Keiya, I don't want you to think that I'm preaching to you - I care about you, and I don't want you hurt again.  I really, really think you need to go out with guys your own age.

I hope that I've helped.  Please take the time to rate my answer.

blessings,
carl