Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/23/2006

Question
Hi.  I am nineteen years old, a born-again Christian, and majoring in Youth Ministry.  I have a few questions that I hope you can help me with:

1. Over the past few years, I have fantasized about what it would be like to have a sexual experience with another guy.  I never have and I don't want to, but I can't quit thinking about it.  I have a girlfriend as well. What can I do to quit thinking about this because it bothers me.

2. For some time now, I have felt that I shouldn't be doing youth ministry because of this, but at the same time I have a heart for it.  Do you think God is upset with me for even thinkning about doing youth ministry?

3. Is it common for guys (& Christian guys) my age to fantasize about things like this but will never do it or even want to do it?  

4. Is there an answer as to why I have thoughts like this?  

5. Is God upset with me when I think about this?

6. Do you think there are Christian guys out there who have these thoughts but would never think about telling anyone?  (I just want to know that I'm not alone in this situation).  

7.  Do you think I am doing a hypocritical thing by majoring in youth ministry?  

8.  Every so often (about once every 3 months) I look at pictures of pornography related to this and everytime I tell myself I won't do it again.  But I still do?  Is there any solution to overcome this addiction?  

I apologize for the length of this email.  I really hope you can answer my questions.  I want to live my life for God but Satan is attacking me!  Thank you for your time.  

Collin

Answer
Collin-

Have you had a chance to peruse the answers I sent you?  I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one struggling with these issues.  If you have a girlfriend, and feel that you have a normal relationship with her, you are probably not homosexual.  I'm assuming that you kiss , and hug, and perhaps more - if you get aroused doing this, then you are probably not homosexual.  Most gays that I know knew they were gay at an early age, when they first discovered their sexuality during puberty.  If you did not "know" then, your feelings now are probably just curiousity.  Very few people are purely heterosexual or purely homosexual - in most people, there is at least a little "smidgen" of curiousity of what it would be like to have sex with someone of the same sex.  Indeed, the first sexual experience with someone else is more often than not with someone of the same sex, whether it is kissing, or fondling or mutual masturbation.

As I mentioned before, you need to determine your calling to youth ministry separate from your sexual feelings.  If the two get mixed up, whether they be hetero or homosexual feelings towards the youth you minister to, then you have a very serious problem - the youth ministry becomes an "enabler" for sexual activity.  I don't think that's your situation at all - based on the limited info that I have from you, I think it's probably a true calling.  You need to constantly monitor that calling by working with a pastor, mentor, family member or accountability partner.

Senior pastors, youth pastors, and youth ministers are not saints.  They are human beings that suffer from the same sinfulness as everyone else.  In your case, it just seems to be something a little different in your sexual thoughts. In order to get rid of them, I would suggest a lot of prayer, but also try very hard not to put yourself in a position where your thoughts might stray.  Stay off the computer when the compulsion to look at porn presents itself.  You may want to get the accountability software that is available on the xxxchurch site - it will send an email to a trusted partner when you screw up.  Just the thought of that happening will make you think twice about doing it, because you'll have to explain it to someone else.

That's all I got.  I'll pray for you.  Please take the time to give me some feedback by rating my answer, and just let me know if I've helped.

blessings,
carl