Expert: Carl Fuglein - 12/22/2007

Question
In 7th grade i went over to a friends house and he looked at pornography. At this point i was already a christian but i chose the wrong path and looked at what he was looking at any way. I have always tried to influence other through God more than they can influece me with worldly things. However, that one day i failed. I am now in 11th grade and although i try to make Christ the center of my life i still fall into the same mistakes i fell in soo long ago. My thoughts have been clouded with sexually impure thoughts that havent stopped since that one day in 7th grade. My parents have prayed for me but the thoughts havent stopped and i try to take out everything in my life thats holding me back from being the best christian i can be but these thoughts make me go through times of depression in school and outside of school. I just dont know what to do any more...

Answer
Erik-

First, and probably most important, you should know that your addiction is not that unusual - I frequently get asked questions about porn.  Also, you should know that porn is one of the top reasons that adult males enter therapy, especially married ones.

The question is, how do you kick the habit.  Well, it can be done, but it requires a lot of prayer and a lot of discipline.  The porn isn't necessarily that damaging to your body, but it is a little damaging to your brain and your concept of what "real" sex is.  The porn was imprinted on your brain when you were 13.  It was the first "sex" you saw, and your endorphins responded with, "Wow, this sex thing is cool." Most of the porn, although these days it is very real, it is NOT an example of good healthy sex between a married man and a woman. And finally, if you are watching porn and then masturbating, it can become a more difficult physiological addiction than just your brain and thinking sexually impure thoughts. But listen to this - I've seen studies that say that the average time between sexual thoughts for a lot of men is a minute or less - so, you're not alone.

I'll get to tips on how to stop, but first, I sense that you may have a bigger problem, but one that is very treatable, and that's depression.  Whether the porn is driving the depression, or depression is driving the porn is irrelevant.  If you're getting depressed and staying depressed for more than a few days at a time, you're probably suffering from what is known as clinical depression. There is a very good page that talks about kid's depression at this address:  http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/en/informed/sub_depressed.asp
they have a toll free number, and I urge you to call it.  It will be confidential, and an adult will be happy to talk to you about it and give you help.  It's not necessarily Christian, but it will help. 1-800-668-6868

You can take a self assessment at:
http://www.health24.com/default_old.asp?action=quiz&QuizID=20

For Christian help, there is a "Hopeline", both phone and chat:
http://dmlive.com/needhelp.html
chat: http://www.thehopeline.com/
phone: 1-800-394-HOPE
This is a phone line specifically for Christian Teens.

Here is another link that you should consider - spend a lot of time there and read everything it has to say - it is a Christian website to help you cope with and end porn addiction:
http://xxxchurch.com
Click on X3 Live Help in the upper right hand corner, or click on the "Get Help" button on the left of the menu (I just checked it, and that link is broken, but I'm sure that's temporary)

This site also offers accountability software at:
http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/x3watch.php

Download this software - what it does is sends an email to a person of your choice (I would suggest your dad or a youth pastor, or even both) whenever you visit a questionable site.  Just knowing that you're going to get "caught" acts as a deterrant to going there.  Keeping an accountability partner is beneficial for virtually any problem you might have - someone who will pray with you and encourage you and not afraid chastise you if you're making poor choices.  I personally have a weight problem - I need to eat less and exercise more - I have an accountability partner who keeps me on my toes and encourages me - he'll send random emails that say simply, "Are you exercising?"  It truly helps.

I've met the guys that run this site - they actually go to "porn shows" - believe it or not, the porn industry is so big, they actually have trade shows.  These guys go and visit with the porn stars and dealers and try to witness to them.  Their success has been pretty good.

You said you failed when you were 13.  Erik, you didn't fail, you made a bad choice.  There's a huge difference.  The difference between failure and success is simple.  Consider failure as falling down.  You succeed when you get up just one more time and go on.  Just one.  That's a success - when you get down, don't stay down.  Get up.

You can lick this problem, but you can't do it on your own.  Get help.  I've never been addicted to porn, but I've had several of my youth group guys who have - I give them the same advice I give you.

And finally, I suffer from chronic clinical depression myself - I've had several episodes of serious depression lasting more than a year a couple times.  The most recent period was 2000-2003.  I'm better now, through the help of a therapist, a psychologist.  In addition, there are over a dozen different families of drugs that can help if you need it.

Erik, I will pray for you.  You can do this.  You're not alone.  Reach out for help.  Tell your parents you're depressed and think you need help.  If they pray for your addiction, I'm sure they're supportive enough to help you get help for your depression.

Finally, I highly recommend hugs.  Get them from your parents, your friends (guys, too), your teachers (if that's allowed in your school - if you initiate it, most teachers will hug), and your church friends.

I hope and pray this helps.  Please write me again in 30 days and tell me how you're doing.  Please also take the time to give me some feedback and tell me how I've helped or not.

Blessings and {{{hugs}}}

carl