Expert: Brenda Martin - 5/9/2006

Question
I have a friend that has quite a few problems, but right now I'm just wondering about one or two of them.

First, is cutting a sin?  She kind of has a problem with it.  Some friends and I have tried to get her help, but then she showed me a web site that says all cutting is, is just a way to feel better.  Also, I've kind of stopped trying to get her to stop because without cutting, she may resort to a more... permanent solution.  So now I'm confused, is cutting good or bad, or is it somewhere in between?

Finally, she thinks that everything bad that's happening to her is her fault.  Is she right?  I keep telling her that what she chooses to do brings consequences.  Am I right?  Is she right?  Or are we both a little right?

I've been looking for the answers to my questions, but so far I've failed in finding them.  Any help would be awesome.


Answer
HI Leah, you asked--"IS CUTTING A SIN?"

Your friend is very ill and needs medical help, obviously God does not want us to harm ourselves BUT he understands it is an illness through no fault of our own. Your friend will be feeling bad enough without adding a further burden of; “God is not happy with you” and it would be wrong to imply this to her, as God feels heart sorry for her and completely understands her state of mind.

God does not punish a person for having an illness and neither should we.

"EVERYTHING BAD THAT'S HAPPENING TO HER IS HER FAULT.  IS SHE RIGHT?"

Of course not! Depression and mental illness makes a person think negatively of themselves and everything around them, be supportive of her and help her all you can, but above all try to get her to seek medical help. When she says things like; “I deserve all that's happening to me cos Im bad” reassure her, that is not true, it is only her mind telling her lies.

Bad things happen to good people, not just bad, God has no hand in either.

"I KEEP TELLING HER THAT WHAT SHE CHOOSES TO DO BRINGS CONSEQUENCES.  AM I RIGHT?"

Yes true, for every action there is a reaction, however, your friend is NOT choosing to be the way she is, she, more than anyone, would love to be “normal” but cannot, because she is ill.

A word of caution, never say stuff like that to her, you will make her worse.

She is cutting herself because of the unbelievable deep sadness and depression she is in, she needs loving support from true friends, she already believes she is a bad person,(due to her illness) so you have to be very careful what you say or imply to her, as it could be the very thing that tips her over the edge.

Here is some advice on how to handle a person whose suffering from depression—

Defeating Depression—How Others Can Help

Help from others can often mean the difference between life and death to a severely depressed person. Since each year a hundred million persons worldwide develop a severe depression, the chances are that someone who is your friend or relative may be affected. But helping someone who is severely depressed can be exasperating.

Dr. Leonard Cammer in his book Up From Depression tells of one mother who was at her wit's end with a depressed son. As she and her son conferred with the doctor, she bemoaned: “He just moves away from us and acts as if we're not there. He knows we love him. Why does he have to hurt us this way? You don't know what I've been going through, Doctor.” Dr. Cammer remarks: “If only she knew the suffering he has been going through! . . . The depressed person senses that he is a burden to the family. But he is a burden to himself too, because he is helpless to rectify his condition and is ashamed and humiliated by it. His only recourse then is to drift farther away.” The mother's lack of sensitivity made the situation worse. To help, therefore, the first essential is . . .

EMPATHY

Empathy, or “fellow feeling,” is an effort to identify emotionally with another. (1 Peter 3:8) Realize that the depressed person really hurts. His distress is real and not feigned. “Weep with people who weep,” advised the apostle Paul. (Romans 12:15) In other words, try to understand the pain the depressed one feels.

Though you cannot know exactly what he feels, you can show a genuine interest in wanting to know. Encourage that one to talk, and when he vents his feelings, try to see things through his eyes, putting yourself in his place. Avoid judgmental statements such as, ‘You shouldn't feel like that' or, ‘That's the wrong attitude.' The depressed person's emotions are especially fragile, and such critical comments only make him feel worse about himself. Usually his self-esteem has evaporated.

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

To restore his self-esteem, you must appeal to the person's reason. Ever so gently, help him see that his low assessment of himself is incorrect. But simply giving him a stirring speech, telling him that he is ‘a great person,' is not the answer. “He that is removing a garment on a cold day is as vinegar upon alkali and as a singer with songs upon a gloomy heart,” observes Proverbs 25:20. Such shallow efforts leave a depressed one emotionally cold and irritated, since they rarely address the reasons why that one feels worthless.

For instance, a depressed person may say: ‘I feel that I'm just no good and that I'll never be worth anything.' You could in a nonchallenging manner ask: ‘Can you tell me why you feel that way?' As he begins to explain, listen carefully. Such close attention assures him that what he is saying is worth while. As he opens up, you will be able to ask further questions to help him identify and correct the reasonings that can cause depression.

Use simple, direct questions, not in a scolding way, but in an effort to get the person to reason.  If you see that the person is doing things that are contributing to his problem, then in a nonaccusing way, you could kindly ask: ‘Is what you're doing up to this point helping you?
Do you need to do something different?' Getting him to offer suggestions may restore some of his self-confidence.

A depressed person tends to ignore all his good qualities; so focus his attention on his personal assets and capabilities. She may have a knack with plants or be a good cook. He may have reared happy, stable children. Look for areas where the depressed one has succeeded and draw these to his attention. You may even have him write down some of these to review later. It helps also when that one can use his talent to help you.

So help depressed ones to develop a few specific short-term goals that are within their ability and circumstances. These may be simple household duties, a handicraft project, or even wholesome words. As one severely depressed woman said: “I would try each day to say something upbuilding to either my family or a friend.” Reaching these small goals builds self-esteem.

Help From Others

“A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress,” states Proverbs 17:17. The genuineness of a friendship is evident during a time of distress, such as depression. How can a friend help?

“When I was depressed, a friend wrote to me several times and always included encouraging Scriptures,” reported Maria. “I would read the letter over and over, crying as I read it. Such letters were like gold to me.” Encouraging letters, cards, and phone calls are deeply appreciated. Warm visits also help. “If no one comes, it reinforces the idea that we're all alone,” adds Elizabeth. “Pray with the person, tell some upbuilding experiences, even cook a meal and bring it over as a family. One friend made me a box of little odds and ends. Unwrapping each item provided such a pleasant surprise.”

Of course, when it comes to things like running errands and doing housework for a depressed person, be discerning. Listen to him. Don't insist on doing something if he does not want it done. At times, knowing that someone is doing work that he should be doing may add guilt. The depressed one may prefer that it be left undone.

Knowing when to seek professional help is vital—in fact, it may save a life! At times the condition becomes so severe that arrangements should be made to see that the depressed one gets needed professional care. Don't count on the depressed one to decide. Often it means making the necessary appointment for him. You can reassure him by saying: ‘I'm sure your illness is not serious, but it should be checked to relieve everyone's doubts. Though I love you very much, I'm not a doctor.' Be kind but firm!

Helping a friend or mate defeat depression is not an easy task, but perseverance may be lifesaving. Often, your caring makes the difference. For instance, Margaret, when she reached her deepest low, told her husband that she wanted to give up and die. He warmly said: “I'll help you not to give up.” Overwhelmed to see his care, Margaret explained: “I knew then I could go on.” She did and eventually defeated her depression.

All the best
Brenda