Expert: Carl Fuglein - 5/12/2007

Question
Hello, I'm Sam and I've been on a relationship with a very Christian girl for 3 weeks or so. I'm not too big into faith and i don't have any moral issues with sex, but she does. Recently we were just cuddling and kissing as we usually do, but nothing more than that and she, all of a sudden, directed my hand to her breasts, I didn't oppose and i have to say we both enjoyed the experience, but I withdrew and just sat quiet, i didn't want her to do something that she would regret later. After a while she was sad, not because of me, but because of herself. We talked about it and I told her to  
find out what she considers to be too far and what's ok with her faith. My question is what's considered to be a sin in relation to sexual activities? I know that taking her virginity is not ok, and i understand that, but there are many forms of sex, is it ok for us to have fun and give pleasure without actual penetration (oral, manual), or is any kind of sexual activities bad? I love her and as much as
i would like to be intimate both sexually and emotionally, I
don't want her to have any regrets. Thanks in advance.

Answer
Sam-

I'm frequently asked this question.  I cannot set guidelines for what is right for you and girlfriend - if you have to stop and ask "is it too far?", then generally speaking, you've already crossed the line.  It seems pretty apparent to me, that your girlfriend realized, too late, that she didn't want to go that far.

So, the bottom line is this - since I'm asked this question all the time, I've written an essay about "How Far is Too Far?".  I suggest that you read it with your girlfriend, and then the two of you make a decision jointly as to how far to go.  I pray that you can reach a decision, and I pray that I've helped you come to that conclusion.  Please take the time to grade my answer.

Blessings,
carl

How Far is Too Far?
An essay by Carl Fuglein

God gave us sex.  He intended it to be used for creating children.  See the following Bible references:

(Gen 2:21-23 NIV)  
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.  Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.


Genesis 3:16 (NIV)
To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

An interpretation of 3:16 would indicate that sexual desire or affection is an okay thing, within marriage, because God said so.

Gen 4:1  Then Adam had sexual intercourse with Eve his wife, and she conceived and gave birth to a son, Cain (meaning "I have created"). For, as she said, "With God's help, I have created a man!"

Exodus 20:14 (NIV)
"You shall not commit adultery.”

Sexual relations before marriage is a sin.  This is perfectly clear, one of the 10 commandments,

Exodus 20:17 (NIV)
"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Not only is adultery a sin, but even "thinking" about it is a sin (verse 17 – covet means want or desire).

These references are pretty clear, a strict Biblical stance.  What is not clear is simply this:  "What constitutes sex?"  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”  There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One is that you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical. It's an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences, and it’s difficult to define.

So, I ask again, what sexual activity is a sin and what is not?  Before I try to answer that, let me talk to you about roller coasters.  I hope you ride roller coasters, because it will be easier for you to understand what I'm saying.  I know you're asking, what does this have to do with sex?  Bear with me, I'll make the connection.

Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Fear and excitement were the emotions I experienced.  You got into the car, and your heart started pumping faster and faster.  You went up the first hill, and you got even more excited, and more scared.  Maybe you screamed "let me get off" because you lost your nerve.  But, too late, you're on the road - you can't get off.  You hit the top of the first hill, and you're thinking, "oh I'm gonna die".  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush, that wasn't so bad, in fact it was really fun."  And there you go, up and down all the hills, and when you're through, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster, maybe one that turns you upside down.  And, if you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're NOT going to die, and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  And you will find that the first, roller coaster won't produce the same feeling once you've gotten on one bigger and faster.  (As a side note – this phenomenon is a proven fact.  The first Space Shuttle in 1981 had two people on board - John Young and Bob Crippen.  Young had been in space before - he had flown on an earlier Apollo flight into space.  Crippen never had flown into space before.  Right before lift off, Young's heart rate was about 90, Crippen's was 120+)

So, what does this have to do with sex?   Keep reading.

The feeling you get - excitement and fear, is caused by adrenaline, a hormone.  Other hormones that affect your body during sexual arousal are every bit as powerful in making you excited.   Some of the feelings that you experience on a roller coaster, you will experience during sex.  You'll experience other feelings, too, that are even more powerful.   The addiction you might get for roller coasters (i.e., wanting bigger, higher, faster, scarier), is similar to an addiction to sex, i.e., wanting more and more and more out of a physical relationship, and just like you have to ride a bigger rollercoaster to get the same adrenaline rush as you did before, you may have to get more or “different” sex to get the same rush.  And if you ride a coaster once, you'll ride it again, and again, and again.  Any member of ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) will tell you that they are always looking for bigger and better coasters.  But there’s another factor to sex that doesn’t happen with roller coasters – when you have sex, you give away some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.  It’s doubtful that you will become emotionally or romantically involved with a roller coaster.

Human sexuality is complex. Generally speaking, it’s said that women need a reason to have sex, men need a place. Women are sexually stimulated by receiving flowers from their boyfriends. Men are sexually stimulated merely by looking at their girlfriends without ever coming in contact with them. So, should you never look at your girlfriend or give her flowers? Should you never accept flowers and and chocolate from your boyfriend?   It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Peacocks strut their feathers, humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or foreplay.

The answer to “how far is too far”, I think, is where do you put the "line" and I also think that the "line" may be in different places for different people.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this:

1.   He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2.   They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3.   She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she LIKES him.
4.   He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he LIKES HER BACK.
5.   They talk some more.
6.   They go to the library to "study".
7.   On the way home, they hold hands.
8.   They go out on their first "date".
9.   They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10.   They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s  ear.
11.   After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12.   Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13.   While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him in a “private” place.
14.   Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15.   Ditto, only maybe without SOME clothes
16.   Ditto again, only with NO clothes.
17.   Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18.   Oral sex. (Could happen as early as 15)
19.   Protected sexual intercourse.
20.   Unprotected sexual intercourse.

Question - at which step above do they commit a sin?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between 1 and 20 is HUGE.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it.  Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff - and every step after that one will be tiny, but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.  Once you've decided where that cliff is, just like in real life if you were to walk to the edge of the Grand Canyon, take at LEAST two steps back, just in case, and say, "Okay, I feel comfortable looking at the Grand Canyon from here, two steps back, but if I get closer, the excitement of the view is not worth the fear and or guilt of getting too close to the edge.  Remember the roller coaster.  You get on the first hill and you want to get off, but it's too late - you're going to go down that first hill whether you want to or not.  For most people, getting on that roller coaster is step 11 or 12.  Once you get on, you have a really difficult time stopping that roller coaster car - once you're on, you're on.

Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  90+% of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun, and it is.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's not - it's guilt laden.  Trust me when I tell you that the excitement is NOT worth the guilt, much less the possibility of a sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy.  In addition to STDs and pregnancy, there are an awful lot of emotions that come into play; some of which you won't understand until you're an adult.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.

So, where do you put the cliff?  We've already talked about what the Bible says.  The Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex.  But despite what President Clinton said, oral sex IS very much "sex".  ANY genital contact, even with clothes on, in MY opinion, is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – ANY genital contact constitutes sex.  In my opinion, French kissing might fall into that category for some, too.  If you're wondering whether or not it's sex, regardless of whether you're right or wrong, there will always be that doubt in your mind.  Some people will decide that if you can’t do something with your mother or father, you can’t do it with a girlfriend or boyfriend – you might kiss your mom on the lips, but you certainly wouldn’t French kiss her.

Anything that would LEAD to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones.

So, couples should talk about this, and set their own limits.  

There are also other things to worry about, too.  The HIV virus has been found in saliva.  That means French kissing someone who has HIV could pass it on to you.  It’s unlikely, but if you don’t know who your partner has been with (and if it’s more than you, you also have to take into consideration who the other person is and how many partner’s they’ve been with, etc, etc.)

STD's (sexually transmitted disease) can be transmitted by oral sex.  Some STD’s are only painful, and some can be deadly.  Regardless, you don’t want them.  And many have no cure.  HIV most definitely would be passed on during oral sex.  And then if you DO get infected with an STD, out of respect for others, you should never have sex again to keep from infecting them.  A scary fact is this:  if you have sex with someone who has had multiple partners, it is almost statistically impossible for you to NOT get an STD.  Another fact is interesting – ALL STDs could be entirely eliminated, if an entire generation lost their virginity only with a virgin – think about it.

Pregnancy, although highly unlikely at step 13, can actually occur then - penile penetration is NOT necessary to make a baby - sperm have a single purpose in mind - to get to an egg, and they CAN get there alive if they are in near proximity to a vagina like they would be in step 15, even with clothes on.   The point is that even with protected sex, you can still easily make babies.  Condoms can be effective, but most people don’t know how to use them and in normal use are only about 85 - 90% effective.  Are you willing to take that risk?  A child is yours for life.  Are you willing to be responsible for a child for years just to have a few minutes of fun?  This is part of the joy of sex – the knowledge that you’ve created a new life.

And finally, think seriously about this statement:  guys will give away love to get sex.  Girls will give away sex to get love.

And if you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.  There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  

One way you can figure out if a relationship has gone too far is if sex is he only thing you do.  You used to go to the zoo to watch the animals.  Now you go to the library to hide in the back stacks and make out.  You used to go to the movies to actually watch the movie.  Now you go to hold hands, kiss, and more.  You used to come over to each other’s houses to play computer games when mom or dad are home.  Now you wait until you’re pretty sure you’re alone, and you don’t play computer games, but other kind of games.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:  

“On __________, 2007, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse.