Expert: Carl Fuglein - 7/25/2005

Question
I am an 18 year old Christian male and I have a couple questions regarding sexuality. To start with, my girlfriend (17) and I have been going out for about 2 1/2 months, but we have been best friends for almost 3 years, so we are very close for a relatively "new" couple. My problem is this: I am a virgin and she is not. Before we were dating, about 2 1/2 years ago, she had sex just one time with her former boyfriend, and ever since (we were best friends) has told me how much she regretted it and how morally ashamed she was because of it. I know she is not just saying this for my benefit, because she told me this long before we ever started dating. She said it totally changed her life, and although "she doesn't believe in regret because all things happen for a reason" she wishes she could take back what she did and has vowed to not have sex again until marriage (which I think is great). I have been raised in a very Christian family, and I have always believed that sex should be saved for marriage. However, I know that I love this girl very much and I am trying with all my being to overlook her past, especially since its not something she's proud of. There is just one thing that keeps nagging at the corner of my mind though, and that is whether or not she has asked for forgiveness from God. I know she asked forgiveness from her parents, me, and everyone else, but I just honestly don't know how her relationship with God is, and that bothers me, and I don't really know how find out without hurting her feelings by flat-out asking (plus it would be rude and awkward), but I just feel like I have to know. Also, I am unclear if the Bible says anything about a virgin and a non-virgin being together. Hypothetically, if we ended up getting married and having sex, would it be adultry since she's not a virgin? Or am I making something out of nothing? Please advise.

The second question I have is in regards to my own sexuality. I have only had one girlfriend (my current one) and I have never had sex. I don't plan on having sex until I am married, but I am very conflicted on a few other issues. As a male in today's society, I am constantly bombarded by sexual images and innuendo, making it virtually impossible not to think about it at all (which I would like to, believe me, but its just not possible). I do not masterbate (I have been told I am in the vast minority) and although the urge is sometimes extremely strong because its just so easy, I try not to look at porn either. Basically, I am trying to live a sex-free life, and it has gotten me very stressed. I have a lot of wet dreams, even at the age of 18 (I started having them around 13), which, are nice at first but after having them with some frequency for 5 years, they tend to become just plain annoying and stressful), probably because I don't masterbate (the medical reason I've been told). Sometimes I wonder if my problems would go away if I could just pick up a Playboy every now and then, but I am a very stubborn and determined individual, and I am very intent on following God's laws and not the "laws" of a perverse society. My difficulty, however, is that I don't know if I'm going to the opposite extreme. Is my abstaining from all sexual activity TOO much? Is my completely sex-free lifestyle goal until marriage too much to demand of myself, especially since there is so much of it going on around me? Is this even what God wants? I kinda feel like I'm going a little overboard with all of this, and you might think I'm a little weird for even asking these questions, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately, and I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you for you time to read my lengthy letter.

Mike

Answer
Mike-

Thanks for trusting me with your issues.  I don't think they're weird at all - it's important to discuss life issues with someone.

Question 1- If the question bothers you so much, I think you have to ask her at the risk of hurting her feelings.  Think about it:  if she HAS asked for forgiveness, God has already forgiven her.  If she hasn't, she needs to.  Your asking the question could speed her into forgiveness and redemption.  If you're considering marriage, don't even go there until you are absoutely settled on this issue.  Leaglistically, it would be adultry for the two of you to have sex, but since God will forgive her sin; it's not.  Look at it from this point of view- are there sins that you're ashamed of?  Does she know about them?  Sexual sin is no worse than other sin- if you have asked for forgiveness from ANY sin, you are forgiven, and you must forgive her for her past sin, and go on with life.  The issue won't ever go away, but you have to resolve it one way or another before you get married.

Question 2.  Yes, you are definitely in the minority.  It's been said that 92% of males masturbate, and the other 8% lied on the survey.  Wet dreams are indeed nature's way of releasing sexual tension.  Don't consider it stressful, it's actually a release from sex by your body.  If you haven't masturbated yet, don't start.  If you haven't looked at pornography, don't start.  I admire you for remaining pure until marriage - it will be the best gift you can give your wife.  You may want to pick up a book called "The Struggle" by Steve Gerali http://www.navpress.com/Store/Product/1576834557.html  Yes, it's all about masturbation.  I have met Dr. Gerali, and I believe his book presents a very balanced view of a topic that we don't like to talk about.

Please take the time to rate my answer, and if anytthing is still unclear, please ask again for clarification.

Blessings,
carl