Expert: Brenda Martin - 1/2/2006

Question
Hi. I need a lot of help. I am due in two weeks and my family situation is putting a lot of stress on me and my baby.

I'm 16. My parents won't help me out at ALL. My boyfriend and I had to select the doctors... fill out all the paperwork... Apply for state insurance... and a bunch of other stuff. We had to go pick out baby clothes, diapers, child proofing stuff and a whole lot more.

Do they not realize this is going to be thier grandchild that is entrusted to me by God?

My boyfriend is 23 and he makes decent money so I'm not that concerned... My parents say they will only help if we break up. He has been the only person who has stuck beside me!!! Really I trust him more than my parents right now. My parents even tried to have him thrown in jail!!! Luckily they couldn't because I am 16 now.

I want my parents to be a part of my baby's life... That can't happen until they accept Tre is a good person and will be a good father.

I have prayed for our family to be strong again since this started. I need some direction.

Since most of the people here are already parents I was hoping you could give me advice in getting my parents to understand. Tre is the baby's father. He loves me, I love him and he is sticking with me. How do I talk to them without leaving Tre?

I told them that all I wanted for Christmas was to accept Tre and for them to be active grandparents when the baby is born. I am getting no where.

I don't even understand why they hate him so much. He is so sweet but they won't even give him a chance. It could be his age... The fact he's not white... Or the fact they didn't even know about him until I was pregnant. Still.... After 8.5 MONTHS it seems like they could find time to get over it! He is great wonderful guy which is why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Help me relieve this stress... Help me find a way to communicate with my parents. Help me make them understand.

Answer
HI there Marissa, Please be assured I am not trying to hurt or offend you, I am trying to help you understand your parents and their feelings, because it is only by YOU understanding them, that you will have any form of communication, okay.

YOU SAID—“MY FAMILY SITUATION IS PUTTING A LOT OF STRESS ON ME AND MY BABY”.

I am sure it is however, I can also imagine how your parents must be feeling right now; they will be stressed beyond belief, and when you have your baby, then you will understand what its like to be a parent, and see this little bundle that you love with all your heart, soul and mind take a course in life that you never thought possible. Also keep in mind, your parents are not responsible for your “situation” you are, you invited this “stress” when you went behind your parents back and got yourself pregnant, you cannot expect your parents to be delighted, I know I wouldn't.

“I'M 16. MY PARENTS WON'T HELP ME OUT AT ALL”.

That must be killing them, it is one of the hardest things to do as a parent, standing back and letting your child get on with it, watching them struggle, hoping every day they will see what a mistake they've made and come running home. I would hazard a guess your parents hardly sleep and are totally miserable, so don't think for a minute that them “not helping” is some indication they don't care, in fact its quite the opposite.

Plus as I said, why should your parents “help you out” of a mess they are not responsible for.

“MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAD TO SELECT THE DOCTORS ETC.”

Yes quite right, after all, the situation is you and your boyfriend's responibility, not your parents. Your parents are saying to themselves; “okay if she thinks she is old and mature enough to have a baby, then she is old and mature enough to do all that is required of a Mother to be”.

“DO THEY NOT REALIZE THIS IS GOING TO BE THIER GRANDCHILD THAT IS ENTRUSTED TO ME BY GOD?”

Sorry you are mistaken,-

1. God tells us not to have “sex before marriage” and he also tells us;

2. Not to date while a teen.

So this situation has nothing to do with God. Obviously God wants you to take good care of your baby, but he in no way is happy how and when it came about, and he completely understands how your parents are feeling, because He entrusted the care of YOU to your parents and they will be feeling like they have failed themselves and God.

Of course they realize the child will be their “grandchild” which makes their stress even harder to bear. Assuming they are God fearing people they will also be devastated that, despite all their teachings, you went and committed fornication.

“MY PARENTS SAY THEY WILL ONLY HELP IF WE BREAK UP”.

I can completely understand where theyre coming from, if you were older they would probably feel different. You are a very lucky girl, because your parents love you so much they are willing to undergo pain and hurt, even the thought of not seeing their grandchild, in the hope you will mature and see sense.

“HE HAS BEEN THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS STUCK BESIDE ME!I TRUST HIM MORE THAN MY PARENTS RIGHT NOW.”

What sad, who has brought you up for the last 16 years of your life? Your parents are the ones who have “stuck beside you” made sacrifices, done without, looking forward to the day when you're Dad would walk you down the isle, you have shattered their dreams, they are extremely hurt and need to hear that you appreciate all they have done for you over the years.

“I WANT MY PARENTS TO BE A PART OF MY BABY'S LIFE... THAT CAN'T HAPPEN UNTIL THEY ACCEPT TRE IS A GOOD PERSON AND WILL BE A GOOD FATHER.”

So YOU want your parents to 1. accept Tre. 2. Be a part of your baby's life, correct? What about what THEY want.

1. They wanted a lovely white wedding,
2. They wanted to see the daughter they love walk down the isle with her Dad
3. They wanted to see you get married when you were mature enough to.
4. Most definitely they wanted to have grandchildren.

They didn't get anything they wanted or dreamt of, so maybe spare a thought as to how they are feeling. They have lost everything, so giving them ultimatums like- (if you want to be part of my baby's life you have to accept Tre) will not make any difference, in fact you are only adding salt to their wounds.

“I HAVE PRAYED FOR OUR FAMILY TO BE STRONG AGAIN SINCE THIS STARTED. I NEED SOME DIRECTION.”

I hope I have given you some “direction” now think about it this way, if I as a stranger can feel as strongly as I do about your situation, imagine how your parents are feeling, they want nothing more than “THEIR family to be strong” but you changed that situation, not them. You are right though, it is YOU who needs direction, not them.

At the end of this letter I will enclose a bible article which will give you “direction” from God, as to how to handle your situation.
  
“I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HATE HIM SO MUCH”

At 16 we don't “understand” a lot of things,thats why God gave us parents to guide us. I don't think they “hate him” they are angry at him for taking their daughter away, especially since he is 23 and should know better, you have youth on your side as an excuse for your wrong conduct, they will look on it, he has no excuse, he is a mature man.

“HIS AGE, HE'S NOT WHITE, THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HIM UNTIL I WAS PREGNANT”.

These will all be factors in how they feel, however, even if your boyfriend was white, 18 and they knew all about him, they would still be hurt, as you are only 16.

“AFTER 8.5 MONTHS IT SEEMS LIKE THEY COULD FIND TIME TO GET OVER IT! “

The voice of youth and inexperience speaking :¬) just wait till YOUR child is 16 and hits you with a tornado like this, then think back to this day and remind yourself to “get over it”

You don't get over;- the daughter you've brought up for 16 years and all the hopes and dreams you had for her shattered; "in 8 months” they may never recover, it will be up to you to mend their broken hearts, not the other way round.

“HELP ME RELIEVE THIS STRESS... HELP ME FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY PARENTS, HELP ME MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND”.

Well firstly you need to be thinking about THEIR stress and when you try to communicate with them, have their welfare in mind and you may find a listening ear, it is you who needs to “understand” your parents, they understand completely the situation. Remember, they are far older than you, so it is only natural they know and understand more than you.

As I've said, I hope I have not offended you, but rather enlightened you, you are not wicked ,you are just young and inexperienced, all youths are the same, only seeing it from THEIR standpoint, what I mean is-

1.   YOU went behind your parents back and dated.
2.   YOU fell pregnant.
3.   YOU in turn caused this stress.
4.   YOU then moan your parents wont help you out.
5.   YOU resent having to do everything yourselves.

How come you caused all this and yet it is your parents who are getting all the blame, that is like smoking and getting cancer, then blaming the manufacturers??? Do you see what I mean?

I enclose a bible article that I know will help, if YOU apply what it says—

Why Don't My Parents Understand Me?

IT'S only human to want to be understood. And if your parents are critical of—or uninterested in—things you love or think are important, you can feel very frustrated.
Sixteen-year-old Robert feels that his father does not understand his choice of music. “All he does is scream and say, ‘Turn it off!'” said Robert. “So I turn it and him off.” Many youths similarly withdraw emotionally into their own private world when parental understanding seems to be lacking. In one extensive study of youths, 26 percent of the youths surveyed admitted, “I try to stay away from home most of the time.”A huge rift, or gap, between youths and parents thus exists in many homes. What causes it?

“Power” Versus “Gray-Headedness”

Proverbs 20:29 states: “The beauty of young men [or women] is their power.” This strength, or “power,” though, can lay the groundwork for all sorts of conflicts between you and your parents. The proverb continues: “And the splendor of old men is their gray-headedness.” Your parents may not literally be ‘gray-headed,' but they are older and tend to view life differently. They realize that not every situation in life has a happy ending. Bitter personal experience may have tempered the idealism they once had as youths. Because of this wisdom born of experience—“gray-headedness,” as it were—they just may not share your enthusiasm over certain matters.

Says young Jim: “My parents feel that money should be saved to buy or spend on things of importance. But I am living right now too. . . . I want to travel a lot.” Yes, between one's youthful “power” and one's parents' “gray-headedness” may lie a huge gap. Many families are thus bitterly divided over issues such as dress and grooming, behavior with the opposite sex, use of drugs and alcohol, curfews, associates, and chores. The generation gap can be bridged. But before you can expect your parents to understand you, you must try to understand them.

Parents Are Human Too

“When I was younger, I naturally felt that Mom was ‘perfect' and didn't have any of the weaknesses and feelings I had,” says John. Then his parents divorced, leaving his mother to care for seven children alone. John's sister April recalls: “I remember seeing her cry because of the frustration of trying to keep up with everything. Then I realized we had a wrong viewpoint. She can't do everything always at the right time and in the right way. We saw that she had feelings and was human too.”

Recognizing that your parents are simply humans with feelings like yours is a big step toward your understanding them. They might, for example, feel very insecure about their ability to rear you properly. Or, feeling overwhelmed by all the moral dangers and temptations you face, they may tend to overreact to things at times. They also may be contending with physical, financial, or emotional hardships. A father, for instance, may hate his job but may never complain. So when his child says, “I can't stand school,” it is no wonder that rather than respond sympathetically, he retorts, “What's the matter with you? You kids have it easy!”

Take a “Personal Interest”

How, then, can you find out how your parents feel? By “keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.” (Philippians 2:4) Try asking your mother what she was like as a teenager. What were her feelings, her goals? “Chances are,” said 'Teen magazine, “that if she feels that you're interested in, and aware of the reasons for some of her feelings, she'll try to be more aware of yours.” The same would no doubt be true of your father.

If a conflict arises, do not be quick to accuse your folks of being insensitive. Ask yourself: ‘Was my parent not feeling well or worried about something? Was he or she perhaps hurt over some thoughtless deed or word on my part? Do they simply misunderstand what I mean?' (Proverbs 12:18) Showing such empathy is a good start at closing that generation gap. Now you can work on getting your parents to understand you! Many youths, though, make that extremely difficult. How?

Living a Double Life

Seventeen-year-old Vickie was doing just that by secretly dating a boy against her parents' wishes. She was sure her parents just wouldn't understand her feelings for her boyfriend. Naturally, the gap between her and them widened. “We were making each other miserable,” says Vickie. “I hated coming home.” She decided she would get married—anything to get away from home!

**Many youths similarly live double lives—doing things unknown to and forbidden by their parents—and then bemoan the fact that their parents ‘do not understand them'! Fortunately, Vickie was helped by an older Christian woman who told her: “Vickie, just think about your parents . . . They raised you. If you can't handle this relationship, how can you handle one with someone of your own age that hasn't put 17 years of love into you?”

Vickie took an honest look at herself. She soon realized that her parents were right and that her own heart was wrong. She terminated her association with her boyfriend and began closing the breach between her and her parents. If you have similarly kept an important part of your life secret from your parents, isn't it time to be honest with them?

Take the Time to Talk

‘It was the best time I ever had with my dad!' said John of a trip he and his father made together. “I'd never spent six hours alone with him in my whole life. Six hours up, six hours back. No car radio. We really talked. It's as if we discovered each other. There's more to him than I thought. It made us friends.” Why not similarly try to have a good talk with your mom or dad—regularly?

It also helps to make friends with other adults. Recalls Vickie: “I had absolutely no rapport with older ones. But I made a point of tagging along with my parents when they associated with other adults. In time I developed friendships with these who were my parents' age, and this gave me a more rounded outlook. It was easier to carry on conversations with my parents. The atmosphere at home improved dramatically.”

Associating with those who have gained wisdom over the years will also prevent you from adopting a narrow, limited outlook on life, which can happen if you keep company only with your youthful peers.—Proverbs 13:20.

Communicate Your Feelings

“I talk straight from my heart and speak sincerely the knowledge coming from my lips,” said young Elihu. (Job 33:3,) Is that how you talk with your parents when you clash over such matters as clothes, curfews, or music?
Young Gregory felt that his mom was totally unreasonable. He coped with the heated conflict between them by staying away from home as much as he could. But then he acted on the advice of some Christian elders. He says, “I began to tell Mom how I felt. I told her why I wanted to do things and did not just assume she knew. Often I poured out my heart and explained that I wasn't trying to do anything wrong and how bad I felt because she treated me like a little child. Then she began to understand and slowly things got a whole lot better.”

You may likewise find that speaking ‘straight from the heart' can help settle many misunderstandings.

Handling Disagreements

This does not mean, however, that your parents will immediately come to view things your way. You must therefore keep a grip on your emotions. “All his spirit [impulses] is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” (Proverbs 29:11) Calmly discuss the merits of your viewpoint. Stick to the issues instead of arguing that “everybody else does it!”

At times your parents are going to say no. This does not mean they do not understand you. They may simply want to forestall disaster. “My mother is strict on me,” admits one 16-year-old girl. “It bothers me that she tells me I can't do something, or [that I must] come into the house at a certain time. But deep down inside, she really cares. . . . she looks out for me.”

The security and warmth that mutual understanding brings to a family is beyond words. It makes the home a haven in times of anguish. But real effort is needed on the part of everyone involved.

Youths who resort to cover-ups often suffer the pangs of a wounded conscience. (Romans 2:15) Their errors can become “a heavy load,” too weighty to bear. (Psalm 38:4) Almost inevitably, they are forced to deceive their parents by lying, thereby committing further wrongs. Their relationship with God is thus damaged.

The Bible says: “He that is covering over his transgressions will not succeed, but he that is confessing and leaving them will be shown mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) As 19-year-old Betty puts it: “God sees everything anyway.”

**If the matter involves serious wrongdoing, seek God's forgiveness, confessing your wrong in prayer. (Psalm 62:8) Next, tell your parents. (Proverbs 23:26) They have experience in life and can often help you leave your mistakes behind and avoid repeating them. “It really can help you to talk about it,” reports 18-year-old Chris. “It's finally a relief to get it off your mind.” The problem is, how do you tell your parents?

 The Bible speaks of “a word spoken at the right time for it.” (Proverbs 25:11; compare Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7.) When might that be? Chris continues: “I wait until suppertime and then tell Dad that I need to talk to him.” The son of a single parent tried yet another time: “I would usually talk to Mom right before bedtime; she'd be more relaxed then. When she came home from work, she was all wound up.”

 Perhaps you might say something like, “Mom and Dad, something is troubling me.” And what if your parents seem too busy to care? You might say, “I know you're busy, but something is really troubling me. Can we talk?” You might then ask: “Did you ever do something that you were too ashamed to talk about?”

 Now comes the hard part: telling your parents about the wrong itself. Be humble and “speak truth,” not watering down the seriousness of your error or trying to withhold some of the more unpleasant details. (Ephesians 4:25; compare Luke 15:21.) Use words your folks will understand, not expressions that carry a special meaning only to young people.

***Naturally, your parents may feel hurt and disappointed at first. So don't be surprised or indignant if you are hit with an emotion-packed volley of words! If you had heeded their earlier warnings, you probably wouldn't be in this situation. So stay calm. (Proverbs 17:27) Listen to your folks and answer their questions, regardless of how they ask them.

No doubt your earnestness about setting matters straight will make a deep impression on them. (Compare 2 Corinthians 7:11.) Nevertheless, be prepared to accept some well-deserved discipline. “True, no discipline seems for the present to be joyous, but grievous; yet afterward to those who have been trained by it it yields peaceable fruit, namely, righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11) Remember, too, that this will not be the last time you will need your parents' help and mature advice. Get into the habit of confiding in them about small problems so that when the big problems come along, you won't fear telling them what's on your mind.

All the best
Brenda