Expert: Carl Fuglein - 3/9/2003

Question
I have teens (13 and 17).  We have always attended Sunday mass together (with some resistance).  About a year ago, I started receiving strong resistance on this issue.  My 17 year old has made his confirmation and I want to leave his future spirituality up to him.  My 13 year old is preparing for confirmation I want her to finish that step then give her the choice of further spirituality.  My husband wants them to attend mass as a family.  I am tore between the issues.  Please advise.  I don't like to attend mass with all involved being at odds with each other.

Answer
Hi Debra-

Thanks for writing.  Yours is a tough issue, but a common one.  Forcing a child to go to church is really difficult, because they will then associate church with authority, not with love, which is what church really is.  For the 17 year old, I don't think you can force him – he's of an age where he should be able to make his own decisions.  As for the 13 year old, however, I would suggest a couple alternatives.  If there is a training or catechism class (other than confirmation), or a youth group activity on Sunday – tell your girl that she has to go to at least one, but she gets to pick which one.  Hopefully one will attract her.  If there is no alternative to mass, you just have to make the decision as to whether you “make” her go or not.  But the most important thing is that she learns that God loves her, and wants her to go.  I would recommend that you tell her that she has to go until she completes confirmation.

I don't know how you feel about other churches, but another alternative is to let her go to a youth group from another church with some of her friends.  Again, the important thing is that she learns that God loves her, and all churches will teach that, even if you might not agree with them theologically.  For example, I am a leader of a United Methodist youth group that meets on Sunday nights.  We have several kids whose parents go to other churches, including Roman Catholic.  We respect their beliefs, and their church's beliefs, but welcome them and teach them that God loves them, period.  If you don't wish to let her go for theological reasons, I totally respect your feelings, but encourage you to ask what Jesus would want – for her to not go at all, or go somewhere else.

Believe me, I know what you're going through.  Our daughter fought us for years about going to church when she was an older teen.  We insisted, and she kept going until she was 18.  She's now 32, and goes to church occasionally, but not as often as we'd like.

Another important factor is for you and your husband to agree first, before you make a final decision.  This may even be harder, but you have to agree.  If you don't, your girl will play one of you against the other, not a good thing about going to church, or anything else.

I pray that I have helped, and I will pray for you and your family.

Carl