Expert: Carl Fuglein - 9/6/2007

Question
I'm sure this isn't a new question but it is one that is affecting my life greatly on a daily basis. I'm 20 years old and have grown up in a Christian home; going to church and on missions trips my whole life. I met my boyfriend just at the end of high school when I was still very much in a walk with God. I went away for one year and the two of us kept in contact the whole time just to get to know eachother more. While I was away I started to drift and do things I normally would not have (nothing TERRIBLE... kissing boys, ect.) Halfway while I was away we started to make our relationship official and we have been exclusive ever since. The kissing random boys was the extent of my risky past. Him on the other hand? Now, while he is a beautiful christan and honestly trying to maintain his walk with God.. he wasn't always this way. He never knew anything about God until 2 years ago. All through high school (3-4 years ago) he had sex with random girls/who knows what else. He had an 8 month relaionship with another girl and that KILLS me. Knowing he has taken showers with her/cared about someone else, ect. He sometimes even lies about it and he says its because he is ashamed and its in his past. He tells me God has forgotten about it and so should I.

I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that he loves me very much-that is never an issue. He is kind and caring. But it hurts that I gave my first time to him and he has done so much!!! Plus, he cant even give me the truth about it. I HATE THAT HE HAS A PAST!!!----HELP. Its ruining our 11 month relationship.

(It's perfect in every other way--but because of this its just not enough.)

Answer
Samantha-

Thanks for trusting me with your issue.  I'll try to help.

You're probably not going to like my answer, but I have to be blunt - His past is not ruining your 11 month relationship - YOU are ruining your relationship.  Yup, YOU.  Your BF is right - it's in the past, and God has forgiven him, and forgotten about it, why can't you????  This happened BEFORE you were in the picture, and BEFORE God was in HIS picture.  Have you been perfect?  By no means.  by your own admission, you kissed random boys.  Is that so different than him having sex with random girls?  Why do you put degrees on it?  "Well, I only kissed, but you did more, so you're worse."  Samantha, it isn't like that.  What's done is done.  Leave it alone and forget about it and concentrate on God and concentrate on what's good in your relationship and make it better.

You gave yourself to him.  (I'm assuming you had sex, if not, then correct me, but it sure sounds like it.) BTW, that's a sin - you're not married.  So, anyhow, God forgives you for that sin (as he forgives him for his past sexual encounters.)  So, consider this scenario.  What happens if your boyfriend gets really tired of you bringing up his past?  What if you talk about it too much, and he gets mad at you?  What happens if he finally snaps and says, "Enough of this.  I'm sorry for what I did.  I asked God for forgiveness, and He granted it.  But you won't.  I cannot change my past, but I can change my future.  I'm sorry, but we cannot continue our relationship.  I'm dumping you.  Sorry, because I really love you, but since you can't get over my past, I can't be with you any more."

Now if that happens, two other things are gonna happen:

1)  You're going to be sad, because you think that your relationship is perfect, except for something that you cannot change.

2)  You have now placed yourself into the exact same situation that he's in - you have a sexual history. It's happened.  It cannot be undone.  What happens when you develop another perfect relationship with a guy who's a virgin?  What happens when he starts harping on you about your sinful past?  What happens when HE breaks up your perfect relationship because of your imperfect past?

Samantha, getting over someone else's past is NOT your job.  If he didn't do it while you were together, it's none of your business - drop it and get on with your life.  He's a keeper.  As long as you keep bringing this up, all you're doing is ruining what I think is otherwise a good relationship.  Forgive him, forget his past, and look forward to the future.

Sorry for being so blunt, but I don't pull punches.  You needed to hear this.  After you get done being mad at me and saying I don't understand, please take the time to think about and let me know if you think I'm right or wrong.

Blessings,
carl