Expert: Carl Fuglein - 11/5/2006

Question
Hello, my name is Michelle, and I became a Christian pretty recent. I was married for 4 years, and my husband abandoned me and my two children. He then fled back to N.Y.C. He never paid for our divorce as promised, and I could never afford it. Since then, I have been with a younger man for the last 2 years. He is extremely attached and in love with me, but  I feel that he may be obsessed with me also, even though he doesn't agree. He has been sexually harassing me almost everyday about being intimate, when sometimes I don't have the energy. I take care of my household, I work, I suffer from major-depression, and have a severe anxiety disorder. I have stopped drinking, he has not. The bills were going up that he was responsible for since I could only afford the rent.  I asked Jesus to show me a sign on what I should do.  That same week we got into an argument, and I asked him to leave. I felt so much peace until he said he realized he was wrong. He will not leave me be. He thinks I am punishing him. I told him numerous times that I want to educate myself more with Jesus. He makes me feel bad for him, so I ended up getting intimate with him a couple of times. I felt extremely confused and guilty, because I wanted to commit to Jesus.  He cannot understand why, and he discourages me. He doesn't understand how I will not be intimate with him anymore when we have been intimate for the last two years. Recently He went to church to see if he can try to understand and try to change, but I don't want to change him. He is a great guy, shy, gullable, and I don't want to hurt him. I feel I am sinning, and others are telling me that I am not. He wants to pay for my divorce and marry me, but I know that he does not want to wait to be intimate for 6 months for my divorce to be final. My question to you is, "Am I really fornicating?" Should I take his feelings into consideration, or continue to educate myself with the Lord? Thank you so much if you can help.
Michelle

Answer
Michelle-

I think you know the answer to your own question.

The question you asked was, "Am I really fornicating?"

The sentence before, you said "I feel I am sinning" and before that, you said  "I felt extremely confused and guilty, because I wanted to commit to Jesus"

Are you sinning?  Yes, because you are still married to your first husband.  By Biblical law, you should not be having sex with anyone but him until you get divorced.

But that's not the real issue here.  The real issue is that you want to get your life straight with Jesus.  If you truly do want to do that, then you need to insist that your boyfriend NOT move back in with you and NOT have sex with you.  It sounds like all he wants you for is sex - if he truly loves you and is a man of God, he will wait until your divorce is final.  If he cannot live with that decision on your part, then I think you'd be better off without him.  By your own admission, he is "sexually harrassing me."  This is unacceptable behavior, regardless of whether you have said yes or not in the past. According to the law, NO means NO. I know you don't want to do this, but your only recourse may be to get a restraining order if he won't leave you alone.

Michelle - you are a person of worth - God loves and sees into your heart.  What you are trying to do is to live a pure life, and unfortunately, your boyfriend is getting in the way.  You will have to make the difficult choice between him and God.  You KNOW which is the right answer.  If he truly loves you, he will understand - if he's willing to spend time with you, go to church with you, go to the zoo with you, go to the movies, etc, WITHOUT sex, then I'd let him pay for your divorce and stay with him.  But if he's unwilling to give up the sex, then you need to get away from him.  What it sounds like is that he is emotionally abusing you and trying to "buy sex" from you by trying to make you feel guilty about HIS needs, while all the time, he is not thinking about YOUR needs.  A good relationship has to work both ways - his way is one sided.

Michelle, you may not agree with my advice, but it's the best I can give.  I pray that you can work out the situation - please write again and let me know about your decisions and how it's going.  I will pray for you.

blessings,
carl