Expert: Carl Fuglein - 4/15/2002

Question
hi,
I am having a big problem with the youth ministers at my church. I am a 15 year old catholic girl. I was born catholic and have followed a catholic upbringing. I am very dedicated to my church and faith, but lately I have felt driven away because of this problem, and it is affecting other aspects of my life too. Here is the situation:
there are 3 teenage girls who are in the rcia program. I go to school with 2 of the girls(they are twins) and play on the same lacrosse team. one of the sisters is our team captain.
These two girls receive obvious favoritism from our youth ministers. One of the women, 'kay' comes to all of our lacrosse games (she gives them massages during half time), takes them out to dinner routinely, and has social time with them on the weekends. she pays for them to go shopping and eat out. kay has even referred to them as her 'closest friends'. kay is about 55, while the girls are 15.
The male minister is not much better, however, he doesn't shower them with money like kay does.  Both adults virtually ignore the needs of the other teens in our youth group.

I am upset that they receive star treatment all of the time, and that the adults act like I am 'just another number" at the church. Whenever I go, I feel like I am at the bottom of their priority list. I think their behavior is very inappropriate, and I am begining to feel uncomfortable around the adults and the twins. Nowadays I am hestitant to go to church and bible studies. This is also affecting how I play lacrosse, because I am not getting along well with my captain.

I am sorry for ths being so long and complex, but I really hope you can help me. What kind of coping strategies can I use to successfully return to my church and feel better around everyone? I think I am drifting away from God, and that upsets me, but I really don't know what to do. I am at the end of my rope with dealing with these people.

any advice you have is greatly appreciated. Please follow up if you need anymore info.
Thanks
erica

Answer
Hi Erica-

Thanks for having the courage to write.  I'm sorry you're having a problem.

The situation of favoritism is a difficult one - despite our best efforts, all youth ministers will have "favorites", but the hard part is not to let anyone know who they are - especially the favorites.  God does not show favoritism, but loves all His children equally, and I think that you need to focus on that - God loves YOU!  Jesus loves YOU!  Even if you were the only one on Earth, Jesus would go to the cross to die for YOU!

The behavior you have described is not at all appropriate, but if it is exhibited to any degree by both the male and female youth ministers, it's hard for you to go to one.  Would it be possible for you to go to your priest?  If they are volunteer ministers without any training, they may not realize what their behavior is - if they are paid staff, they should know better.  In either case, they have to answer to someone - i.e., someone in the church other than them is responsible for determining that they are doing a good job.  This could be your priest or some committee at your church.  You don't mention your parents, but you could probably find out from your parents who the appropriate person or committee is.  I would suggest that you discuss the situation with your priest, your parents, a favorite teacher, or another trusted adult.  Explain to them how you feel left out or feel like "just another number".  Trust me, someone, probably several someones, at your church and school care very much for you and how you feel.

You didn't mention how big the group is - are the two leaders the only ones?  Are you the only other girl in the group?  If there are others in the group, I would suggest that you make friends with them, and ask them how they feel about the favortism, and together you can then approach the priest or another adult.

Would it be possible for you to attend a different youth group?  Is there another Catholic church near you?  I know your parents might not want you to go elsewhere, but if you approach them with the problem, they might consider it.  I would also suggest that you might want to consider another denominations youth group - I recognize and respect the fact that you are Catholic (I am not) and may not want to change, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to continue to go to Catholic mass, and attend another denomination's youth group.  I am Methodist, and we have several teens in our group who attend Catholic mass on Sunday morning, and are very active in our youth group - we are all Christians, and I would hope that most any other youth group would welcome you as a member while also respecting your decision to remain Catholic - we can all learn from others, and who knows, perhaps you can teach THEM something!  I would suggest asking some of your non-Catholic friends if they go to church and youth group and if you could go with them.

Finally, and probably the hardest thing of all - PRAY for the youth leaders who are showing the favoritism, PRAY for the "favorites" and PRAY for God to give you the guidance to do the right thing.  Be assured that God does indeed love you.  We all suffer from injustice sometimes, and it's easy to blame God, but it is NOT God that is causing the injustice, but humans.  God wants you to be happy, and even if you feel like you're drifting away from God, He will never turn his back on you.  Trust me, I have felt the same way as you many times in my life, and I struggle with injustice too, and I know how easy it is to blame God - but we must not turn away from Him, but look to Him for guidance.

Erica, I'm sorry that you're having problems, and I will pray for you.  Rest assured that I DO care about you, and I'm certain that your youth ministers do, too, but they just don't realize what they're doing.  Please take action, whatever it is, and trust in God to help you through this.

Please feel free to ask more questions or just to chat or tell me how you're feeling.  I check my email for Experts questions almost every day.

God's Blessings!

Carl