Expert: Carl Fuglein - 7/2/2007

Question
Hi- so i've been looking around for some help and advice on sexual purity. i've read some of your previous questions and your essay on sexual purity (in sam's question). i agree with a lot of it and am finding myself in that guilt-laden stage of having allowed myself to go further than i should have. my question isnt one of what's too far. my boyfriend and i have talked and prayed about our boundaries. we just cannot keep them. we last a few days and sooner than later rush past our limits. we know we dont want to have sex or oral sex, but at the rate we're going, i'm afraid its going to eventually be something i'm as insensitive to as to what we've been doing. i never imagined doing in my relationship with a boyfriend what i've found myself doing when we're alone together. so i'm asking for any advice or help as to how we can stop going past our boundaries. we've decided tonight not to be alone together in our rooms, as well as where we shouldn't put our hands... those kind of limits. do you have any other practical tips or encouragement to keeping our relationship as pure as we can salvage it to be?

Answer
Amber-

Sorry it took me so long to answer and thanks for writing.

It seems to me that you have already set a boundary - since you're crossing that line, perhaps you need to step back one or two steps to prevent going "there" again, whereever "there" is.  Making a decision to not be alone is an excellent one, as well as where you shouldn't put your hands.

The best way for keeping pure is to find things other than sex to do.  Stop and think about this - do you think married couples do nothing but have sex?  Of course you don't think that, and the answer is that they DON'T have sex all the time - the reason being that their relationship is based on other interests.  Your relationship, if it is to last, needs to be based on something more than sex as well - what brought you together in the first place?  Was it just physical attraction?  Or was it a common interest in a hobby or activity?  Explore new hobbies.  Go to the zoo, the museum, or take a drive in the country.  Look for festivals or arts and craft shows.  Go shopping.  Watch TV, go bowling or play golf.  If your relationship is going to last, you need to develop ways other than sex to occupy your time.

I hope this helps.

hugs,
carl