Expert: Carl Fuglein - 3/6/2007

Question
hey carl well ok the reason that I don't want her to meet him is because he is shy to meeting I mean he is 18 and in his last year in high school but he is still shy with new people and I am afraid she will bombard him with a thousand questions.No there is nothing going on between us that I don't want her to know aboout.Yes, I am feeling a little guilty about lieing to her I told her we have only been dating for a few months but we have been together for a year long before she came she has only been here for a few months.Yeah I guess I am a little afraid she will try to get him to "convert" and I am a little afraid she won't approve!! Please if you could give me some more advice on what to do!!!
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Hi,I have question!!! I have a boyfriend and I have told my youth mimister about him but, she wants to meet him and she is begging me to bring him to one of our meeting but, I really don't want her to meet him and I can't figure out why
so what should I do?
-----Answer-----
Hi Sheigh-

Thanks for writing.  Well, speaking as a youth minister, I agree with yours - I'd want to meet your boyfriend.  So, I'd say, bring him to your next youth group.

But there's a much bigger issue.  Why wouldn't you want her to meet him?  Is there something going on between you two that you don't want her to know about?  Are you feeling guilty about something?  Are you afraid that she's going to try to "convert" him?  Is there something about him that you're ashamed of?  Are you afraid that she won't approve of him?

All these are valid questions, and possibly the answer to why you don't want her to meet him.  I would think really hard to determine the reason why.  You may want to actually discuss your feelings with your youth minister.

As a youth minister, I would guess that her intentions are noble - I like to meet my kids' boyfriends and girlfriends.  Not to convert them or judge them, but just to get to know them and what they're about.  As a rule, youth ministers are interested and inviting to ALL teens, and I wouldn't think that your youth minister is any different - she probably cares about you, and because of that, she cares about who you're seeing.

Hope this helps.  Please let me know.

hugs,
carl


Answer
HI Sheigh-

Aha!  I think we have an answer.  Yes, she probably WILL bombard him with a thousand questions.  But the answer is for you to be direct and honest with your ym.  Tell her that your boyfriend is shy.  Tell her that you've been together longer than you said.  Tell her that you're afraid you're going to "scare him off".  

Sheigh, if she's only been there a few months, think back to when YOU met her.  Did she scare you?  Or was she very inviting and interested in getting to know you?  I think probably the second answer is the right one.  

You have to understand, if she has any experience at all, she will know how to handle your boyfriend's shyness and make him feel welcome.  I would trust your ym with your fears, talk it over, and then bring your bf to youth group.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.

I've had 30 years experience, and some people tell me I'm pretty scary, but I don't recall that I've EVER run off a boyfriend or girlfriend of one of my kids.  That's my job - to bring kids to youth group, and keep them there.

Trust your ym.  I don't think you'll be sorry.

hugs,
carl