Expert: Brenda Martin - 1/10/2003

Question
Hi!  Thanks for your time!  I don't know what is wrong with me and i'm really starting to scare myself, not to mention my friends.  Well, now i'm 16 years old, and it started about a year ago when I went through a period of depression and self mutilation.  I just had the lowest self esteem and was upset because it seemed like all of my friends were getting either new friends or boyfriends and I didn't understand why I, who is just as pretty as my friends (but i'm not conceited, actually i'm far from it), didn't have a boyfriend, and I was also going through family problems.  But I stopped the cutting because it was scaring my friends and the addiction wore off (it was really hard for me to stop grabbing a razor every time I was upset).  But now, I don't know what's wrong with me because I started again...but I don't know why!  I mean, I have a boyfriend now, a lot of friends, and it's weird because up until only about a little over a week ago, I was really happy.  But now, i'm soo depressed and it seems like I get depressed and cut myself at the most stupid things, like just if my boyfriend doesn't kiss me goodbye or something, I'll get really upset, cry, and cut.  But the main thing that's been bothering me is family problems again (my mom and stepdad problems), but besides that, i've been really happy.  What's wrong with me?  It hurts even more now because my boyfriend found out about the cutting and actually starting shaking when he found out and cryed when I told him what I did ( and the last time he cried was when he was 9 years old).  I don't want to lose him over this, and he seems really sad and distant now and he's even more upset because I just can't bring myself to talk to him about it.  What should I do?  And is it a sin to do what i'm doing?  

Answer
Dear Ashley, it was heartbreaking to read your letter as I have been where you are and I know personally how awful it was, so I will do my best to help okay.

DEPRESSION, SELF- MUTILATION, LOWEST SELF ESTEEM.

these are not illnesses in themselves, they are symptoms of an underlying problem, what you have to do is find the cause, there is always a root cause, I suffered like you and traced it back to my childhood and abuse, only you will know what the cause may be.

something has happened in your life and it has left you with low self esteem, allowed to go on it inevitably develops into depression, and to get some relief from the terrible feelings, you cut yourself. Here is some advice that has helped many people like yourself—

This is taken from an article entitled “winning the fight against depression”

Proverbs 12:25 states: “Anxious care in the heart of a man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice.” No other human can know the intensity of the anxious care in your heart unless you open up and talk about it. By confiding in an empathetic person who can help, you will likely learn that others have had similar feelings and problems. Also, putting feelings into words is a healing process, for it relieves the heart to give expression to the painful experience rather than bottle it up. Therefore, depressed souls should confide in a marriage mate, a parent, or a compassionate and spiritually qualified friend.—Galatians 6:1.

Feelings of worthlessness are a big factor in depression. Perhaps because of an unhappy childhood, some people have low self-esteem. But even though physical, emotional, or sexual abuse in the past has left emotional scars, this does not change a person's worth. Thus, you must strive to have a balanced view of your true value as a person. “I would say to every one of you,” urged the apostle Paul, “not to estimate himself above his real value, but to make a sober rating of himself.” (Romans 12:3,) While guarding against arrogance, you should try not to go to the other extreme.

Still, many depressed persons respond as did a severely depressed Christian woman, who admitted: “Though I work very hard to clean and cook and to be hospitable, I turn around and pick myself to pieces about every little fault.” Such unreasonable faultfinding greatly undermines self-esteem. Remember that our God is understanding and does “not for all time keep finding fault.” (Psalm 103:8-10, 14) If God, who has a higher sense of right than we have, does not badger us about every little fault and is willing to show such forbearance, should we not endeavor to imitate him in our dealings with ourselves?

All of us have flaws and weaknesses. Yet, we have strengths as well. Likewise, depressed ones should focus on the things that they do well. Even if our own heart condemns us, we need not conclude that God has condemned us. “We shall assure our hearts before him as regards whatever our hearts may condemn us in, because God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” (1 John 3:19, 20)

Misunderstandings with others and being overly concerned about having their approval also contribute to having a lack of self-worth, perhaps even to a feeling of being rejected. many misunderstandings can be cleared up by telling the person how you were affected by the remark. (Compare Matthew 5:23, 24.) Also, Solomon advised: “Do not give your heart to all the words that people may speak.” Why? “For your own heart well knows even many times that you, even you, have called down evil upon others.” (Ecclesiastes 7:21, 22) Do not unrealistically expect perfection of yourself or of your relationships with other imperfect humans. Be quick to forgive and put up with others.—Colossians 3:13.


IF MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T KISS ME GOODBYE OR SOMETHING, I'LL GET REALLY UPSET,CRY, AND CUT.

this type of behaviour was explained to me like this, people who have not had some terrible trauma affect them, go about with an “empty bottle” inside, so when a problem big or small comes along it drops into the empty bottle and the person is able to distinguish a small problem from a big one quite easily and act accordingly.

Now when a person has had some trauma in their life i.e. abuse, parents divorcing etc. they are walking about with a “full bottle” inside so what happens when a problem comes along? big or small, well the person feels overwhelmed because they are already full inside and feel unable to tackle any more.

Your bottle is already full, evidenced by the fact your cry easily, now what its full of, you have to discover, it may be full of bitterness, anger, hurt, guilt, any number of emotions kept back from your parents split (just as an example) but you have to find the cause of your “full bottle” then small things will be only small things, do you see what I mean.

a boyfriend not saying goodbye,to someone with an "empty bottle" would be okay and probably laughed at.

a boyfriend not saying goodbye to a person with a "full bottle" is interpreted as the boyfriend rejecting her,telling her she's not loved etc.

THE MAIN THING THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME (MY MOM AND STEPDAD PROBLEMS)

Now this may be the cause and all other things are symptoms of it , I don't know. If you want to tell me what exactly the (mum and stepdad) problems are, maybe I can help you see if they are the cause or not.

BOYFRIEND FOUND OUT AND CRIED, DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM OVER THIS, SAD, DISTANT AND CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.  WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Shame it's only natural, he's young like you, and these things are deep, intense and difficult for any mind, let alone a youngster. Maybe once you find the cause, then you could discuss it more easily with him, in the meantime tell him you are getting help and he's not to worry, its not him or anything he has done, it is something you have to tackle and then you will be able to move on with your life.

IS IT A SIN TO DO WHAT I'M DOING?

Depression is awful and God understands better than anyone just how awful. There is only one sin in the bible that is “unforgivable” and that is “sinning against the holy spirit” and you have not committed this. God does not look for our sins anyway Ashley, he looks for our good points, here is what the bible says.

Psalms 130 ;3 “If errors were what you watch, O God, who could stand?”

Ps. 103;12 “As far off as the sunrise is from the sunset, So far off from us he has put our transgressions.

However in your case you are not well so it is not a sin to be sick is it? Depression makes us think negative so we start thinking “how could God love me” and things like that. A saying I always try to keep in mind is, “if you believe what your thoughts tell you, your sunk” do not believe the negative thoughts in your head, they are wrong, they are just a product of a mind that is not feeling on top form. See your thoughts for what they are just wrong thoughts.

I hope to hear from you and maybe together we can discover the source of your low self esteem.  all the best brenda