Expert: Carl Fuglein - 10/12/2002

Question
Dear Carl,
My problem is this: I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now and he is about 7 years older than I am. I told him when we met that I was still a virgin and that I was planning to save that until marriage. The thing is that he never actually pressures me into having sex but he says things like "you just don't know how frustrating and hard this is for me" and "I can't believe you still don't trust me" It's not that I don't trust him or whatever it's just that my parents have raised me with the idea that it's best to wait until marriage and that God wants it that way also. I don't want to do something that is going to dissapoint God but I at the same time I am only human and I want to experience that with this person that I am with and possibly not have to wait until marraige. I just don't know what's right. Could you please give me your opinion and any kind of advice. Thanks for your time.  

Answer
Angel-

Thanks for writing.  The first thing I want to know is how old are you?  If you're under 18, then what your boyfriend is talking about, i.e., having sex, is a felony - even if you agree.  It's called statutory rape.  If you're 18 or older, then it's a little different - you're at the age of consent, and if you want, you can have sex if you want, but I'd recommend against it.

I admire you for wanting to remain a virgin until marriage -not too many people these days want to wait.  Stick to your guns - you're making the right choice.  If this guy is going to be your husband, he will stop pressuring you (and yes he IS pressuring you).  A future husband WILL respect your views.  

Your virginity belongs to you AND your future husband.  Why would you want to give such a gift to someone else?  Four months is not near enough time to determine if this guy is the one for you.  This is a one time choice - you don't get your virginity back once you've given it away.  

From every point of view, it's important for you to stay a virgin.  From an emotional point of view, the one you first have sex with will stay with you for the rest of your life, whether you want him to or not.  From a physical point of view, are you ready to have children?  If not, then you better not be having sex.  From a spiritual point of view - sex outside of marriage is a sin - you don't want to disappoint God, do you?  When you give up your virginity, you're giving away a part of your heart.

Angel, sex IS fun, everyone will tell you that.  But sex outside marriage is going to be more guilt than you can carry.  You DON'T want to do it.

Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:  

“On __________, 2002, I made a pledge before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here's my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband.  It'll be the best present you will ever give him (until you give birth to his child.)  Trust me on this.

I pray that will stay celibate until marriage.  Tell your boyfriend that that is your choice, and he can't change it, and that if he respects and loves you, he will no longer pressure you.

I hope I've helped.  Please take the time to rate my answer.

There are some Internet links you may want to check out below.

hugs,
carl

An essay about lies told about sex: http://www.ivcf.org/slj/sp95/sp95_why_wait_for_sex.html

http://www.family.org:8765/search/  this is a Christian site.  Enter “sex” then hit “search” – several good articles.

Ten good reasons to NOT have sex:
http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html