Expert: Joe Norman - 11/11/2008

Question
Joe,
 I know that you have answered questions like this in the past. I hope that you will answer my specific question.  I have been divorced for 11 years. I am the one who committed adultery.  My ex does not want to reconcile.The last time I talked to him he had left the church of Christ.(Does this make a difference in my remarrying)?I realize that what I did was sinful? I have asked GOD to forgive me.  I know that if I am given the opportunity to marry again I will cherish and honor my marriage and be faithful. If God has forgiven me (why) do I have to remain unmarried?  I do not want to condemn my soul to hell. i do not want to live the rest of my life alone if I do not have to?

Answer
Hi Regina,

Thank you for choosing to ask me your question. I will do my best to give you a biblical answer. You begin by asking me if it makes a difference in your remarrying that your ex left the church of Christ.

The answer depends upon whether or not you understand all that the Bible reveals about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. My short answer is no it doesn't matter whether or not your ex has left the church. I believe most in the church would say it doesn't make a difference in your remarrying. The difference between what most will tell you and what I am telling you has to do with whether or not you can ever marry anyone again (other than your original spouse).

I can tell you that most in the church would tell you that you can never marry anyone other than your original spouse and if he won't take you back, you must remain celibate the rest of your life. I believe the Bible says otherwise and will prove it to you. Let us look at the words of Paul in I Corinthians chapter 7. I am using the American Standard Version.

1 Cor.7:1-5
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be by consent for a season, that ye may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again, that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.

First we see that it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But keep in mind that the reason Paul says this has more to do with the persecutions of Christians at this time. In verse 2, he tells us that because of fornications, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Marriage is supposed to help men and women avoid the sin of fornications. He even explains to the Corinthian church that each spouse has power over the other regarding sexual needs. In verse 5, he explains that we are not to withhold ourselves from our spouse unless it is mutually agreed on to focus attention on prayer - but only for a short time to avoid the temptation to fornicate. Do you see the importance of spouses not withholding themselves from their mates?

Now let us continue looking in this chapter.

1 Cor.7:6-9
6 But this I say by way of concession, not of commandment. 7 Yet I would that all men were even as I myself. Howbeit each man hath his own gift from God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they have not continency, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

The "concession, not of commandment" is in regard to living celibate. Paul never married and abstained from sex completely. He wanted men to live as he did for two reasons. The first reason is so they can focus more on the work of the Lord. The second reason is because got the tribulation that Christians were having to endure at that time. In verse 8, he speaks of the "unmarried" and the "widows". The term, "unmarried" can mean two things. It can refer to anyone who has been divorced and it can refer to those never married (virgin and non-virgin). But later in the chapter, Paul speaks to virgins directly and calls them virgins, so I do not think this is referring to virgins here. Anyway, he asks that they remain single as he is single. Yet, if they do not have the self control, they should marry because it is better to marry than to burn with desire or passion (other versions say).

If what is traditionally taught regarding divorce and remarriage were true, I think this would be one place where Paul would have classified more specifically who the "unmarried" are that he says can remarry, but he doesn't. Let's continue.

1 Cor.7:10, 11
10 But unto the married I give charge, yea not I, but the Lord, That the wife depart not from her husband 11 (but should she depart, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband); and that the husband leave not his wife.

These verses do NOT refer to divorce, but rather to a separation. The word translated above as "depart" is a Greek word, "chorizo" which does not mean divorce, but merely to go away or put space between. The word translated as "leave not" is the Greek word "aphiemi" which also does not mean divorce. The Greek word for divorce is "apostasion". Also, I contend that a spouse can only "reconcile" a marriage that is not ended by divorce. If the couple is merely separated, there is hope for reconciliation...but once they are divorced, there is no chance for reconciling a relationship that no longer exists.

I will skip ahead in the chapter only because I want to focus on passages that apply to your situation. If you want me to cover the sections I skip, just ask me to in a follow-up question and I will be happy to oblige.

1 Cor.7:26-28
26 I think therefore that this is good by reason of the distress that is upon us, namely, that it is good for a man to be as he is. 27 Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. 28 But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh: and I would spare you.

Here is the proof that the churches were under "distress" at the time this was written and hence causes Paul to encourage celibacy. But notice verses 27 and 28. Paul clearly says if you are "bound" to a wife, don't seek to be "loosed" and if "loosed" don't seek to be "bound".  Again there are no qualifiers here for how one is "loosed" but in order to be loosed one would have had to have been bound at some point prior. This would mean widows and those who are divorced are the ones who are loosed. To limit it only to widows is to go beyond the Word of God. In verse 28, Paul says they do not sin if they do marry. Then he speaks to virgins. So he has covered the "unmarried", the "widows", and the "virgins" in these two verses.

There is more I can share with you, but I fear this answer is already too long for this format. In regard to the words of Jesus, He was correcting the Pharisees in regard to the Law of Moses. He was NOT giving new commandments to Christians. Also, many who have the "traditional" understanding of divorce and remarriage make major assumptions with nothing from God's Word leading them to such assumptions. Most of the time, they avoid speaking of I Corinthians chapter 7 at all because it conflicts greatly with their understanding of what Jesus taught. The bottom line is they believe and teach that divorce only ends a marriage if one spouse was guilty of adultery but that the sinner guilty of adultery only has two options - 1) Reconcile with the original spouse. 2) Remain unmarried for life.

I do not see anything that clearly shows only certain divorces end a marriage. The original intention of the COMMAND from God for how Jews are to divorce was to free the woman to marry whomever she chooses. (Deut.24:2) There was obviously a problem in Israel that caused God to provide instructions as to how a man is to divorce his wife. Since men were generally the providers, an adult woman who was not married was almost guaranteed to be destitute. Men were "dealing treacherously" with their wives by "putting them away" without any freedom to marry anyone else. God's instructions protected the woman from being mistreated - taken advantage of by her husband. She was free to marry whomever she chose to marry as long as her husband gave her a bill of divorce.

Also, in Israel, adultery was a sin punishable by death so there would be no need for the husband to give an adulterous wife a bill of divorce. She (and the man she sinned with) would be stoned to death.

In the Christian age, there are no instructions for how to perform a "Christian" wedding ceremony or how to perform a "Christian" divorce. Obviously, God intends for us to obey the law of the land regarding how to marry and divorce. Also, all sin is sin to God.

How does someone repent of murder? Can they return the life they ended? No. They must vow never again to murder anyone. The sin was "murder".

If a spouse commits adultery, the sin is "adultery" and that is what must be repented of by the sinning spouse. If the spouse who did not commit adultery chooses to divorce the one who did sin against him or her, then there is no way the adulterous spouse can remain faithful to the one who divorced him or her. Yet, if that person finds someone else to marry, they can vow to be faithful and true to the new spouse. Repentance for committing adultery is complete in the eyes of God. To say otherwise is to place adultery as a greater sin than murder or any other sin. God has forgiven you and you are free to marry.

Last, divorce is not listed anywhere in the Bible as a sin. In fact, God Himself said he divorced Israel so that should prove it is not in itself a sin. Can divorce be done frivolously and for poor reasons? Yes. Would it be wrong? Yes. But no sin is unforgivable except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

I hope you find a good Christian man who will marry you and that God will always be at the center of that marriage. If you have any further questions, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to reply quickly and thoroughly with Bible answers.

         In Christ, Joe Norman