Expert: Joe Norman - 12/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: Mr. Norman, Some history first- My husband and I have both been married once before to other people. He when he was 16 to a girl carrying his child and me at 19. My husband now and I dated briefly before he married at 16 and we did fall in love and he is who I wanted to spend my life with, he felt the same. A few years later we both divorced and were married only a few months later. He was raised in the church of christ and I never attended until after we were married. My husband has recently voiced some concern that the only way we will get to heaven is to divorce!  We have 5 children all together and have been married now for 18 years, I must tell you that I am devastated by this, he is torn, he does not want a divorce and neither do I. I can't believe that God would not forgive us for having made mistakes in our lives and send us to hell. How can ending another marriage be the right thing? Our family will be destroyed by this and I am at a complete loss as what to do, I love this man with all my heart and we have built a life together that I wish to continue together, our children will not understand this. Please offer us a solution, what is right? When I married at 19, it was not for love but for getting myself out of a bad home life, I had always been in love with my husband now, so how could the marriage I had first be genuine, we were not married long and I did not know of all this stuff with the church until a few years ago. Please help us, please help us stay together.
Thank you

ANSWER: Hi Paige,

I must tell you how sad it makes me when I read of situations like yours because I believe most of this heartache could and should be avoided with proper study of God's Word.

If I were to ask you what God's standard is in order to EARN salvation, what would you answer?

We all know that God's standard is that man live a sinless life. The ONLY way we can earn it is by living a perfect life. Is that possible? No. That is why God sent His Son Jesus to live a human life perfectly sinless so that He could be the perfect sacrifice for us by bearing our sins upon the cross. He became sin for us.

Now let me ask you what God's standard for marriage is?

We all KNOW (caps for emphasis only) that God's standard is for one man and one woman to be joined in marriage becoming "one flesh" for life. There are NO EXCEPTIONS. That was what He had in mind from the beginning of creation.

God provided a solution for man not being able to live a sinless life even though God's standard requires perfect obedience. I contend that God provided a solution to man's hard heartedness as well. That is why God gave commandment to the Jews regarding how to divorce a woman that he no longer is pleased with because he found something "unseemly" in her.

Let's look at Deuteronomy 24:1-4

1 When a man taketh a wife, and marrieth her, then it shall be, if she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some unseemly thing in her, that he shall write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. 2 And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. 3 And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, who took her to be his wife; 4 her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before Jehovah: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which Jehovah thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

Notice there are three parts to the divorce procedure as commanded by God.

1.write a bill of divorce
2. put the bill in her hand
3. put her away (send out of the house)

Also note that the bill of divorcement frees the woman to go and be another man's wife (v.2) I have not found anything in the New Testament to show me that a divorce does not end a marriage. Now let's look to Jesus.

When Jesus was asked by the Pharisees if it is "lawful" to put away a woman for any cause, the first thing we need to remember is that the Pharisees are seeking to catch Jesus teaching contrary to the Law of Moses. The second thing to remember is they are inquiring as to His understanding of the Law of Moses on this matter.

Let's examine Matthew 19 together.
(I am using the American Standard Version because it is the most accurate translation of these passages)

Matt.19:3-9
3 And there came unto him Pharisees, trying him, and saying, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? 4 And he answered and said, Have ye not read, that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?
6 So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 7 They say unto him, Why then did Moses command to give a bill of divorcement, and to put her away? 8 He saith unto them, Moses for your hardness of heart suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it hath not been so. 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that marrieth her when she is put away committeth adultery.

Notice Jesus first responds by asking if they had read God's original intent from the beginning of creation. The Pharisees respond in verse 7 with asking why Moses commanded to give a bill of divorcement and put her away? What was Jesus' response to that?

Jesus told them it was due to the hardness of heart Moses "suffered you to put away your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. God saw that there was a need for such a commandment. Also note that Jesus does not say he who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery. Jesus said whoever "puts away" a wife and marries another commits adultery. Clearly it is adultery if no bill of divorce is given. Jesus was bound under the Law and kept it perfectly. He did not teach contrary to the Law when the Pharisees were seeking to catch Him doing just that.

A hard-hearted man is very likely to treat his wife cruelly and beat her or even worse. Mankind is full of hard-hearted people. We are full of flaws. We do stupid things. This has not changed.

So we should know these things for certain. First, Jesus was being questioned by the Pharisees regarding the law of Moses. Second, Jesus was NOT giving Christian commands. If Jesus had said anything that contradicted the Law of Moses, he would have been arrested that very moment. Third, Jesus gave God's original doctrine on marriage.

Let me now ask you some thought questions:

If a person tells a lie. How long is he a liar? When God forgives him, is he still a liar? When God forgives adultery, how long will that person be an adulterer?

Now I want you to focus on some key passages in I Corinthians chapter 7

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

The first two verses are important. In the first verse Paul says it is good for a man not to touch a woman. The context of this whole chapter is that the church is currently under "distress" or "tribulation" (they were being persecuted). Obviously, men are more able to focus on God's work when there is not a woman in his life. Verse two explains one main purpose for marriage. When a man and woman are in a good and healthy marriage, they can more easily avoid the temptation to commit fornications.

3 Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be by consent for a season, that ye may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again, that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.

In verses 3-5, Paul explains that the man and woman belong to each other and should not withhold themselves from their spouse unless it is mutually agreed for the purpose of prayer...but they need to return to each other's arms soon to keep Satan from tempting them. Even in a marriage, it is possible for temptations to enter in.

6 But this I say by way of concession, not of commandment. 7 Yet I would that all men were even as I myself. Howbeit each man hath his own gift from God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they have not continency, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Verses 6-9 are another important section. Keep in mind that the main reason Paul is encouraging celibacy is due to the persecution of Christians at that time. But he tells the "unmarried" and "widows" that if they do not have the self-control, let them marry because it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Now the unmarried cannot refer to virgins because Paul calls them virgins in this chapter. That means that the "unmarried" can be either those who are not virgins and yet have never married or they can be those who are divorced. Considering this letter is to Gentiles, do you think there might have been some converts who were divorced? (Of course the same would be true of Jewish converts too because divorce was allowed under the Law of Moses.

I won't post verse 10 and 11 to save time and space, but that part is speaking to "married" couples who have "separated" and not divorced. Many of the more modern translations cause confusion because they poorly translate those verses.

I could analyze the entire chapter verse by verse, but my time is limited and this is already a very long response. Let me conclude with one last part of chapter 7 and some additional comments and the lesson is yours.

27 Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. 28 But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh: and I would spare you.

Paul could have specified how one became "loosed" in this chapter had he felt the need to and I am sure he would have if what has been traditionally taught were the truth. But Paul merely says that if you are "loosed" (obviously one formerly bound) and you marry, you have not sinned.

I wondered why Paul felt the need to state that the one loosed who marries does not sin by getting married. Clearly, some members of the church in Corinth might have thought it would be a sin to marry. Paul says it is not a sin.

I was raised in the church of Christ by a preacher. His dad was an elder. His grandfather was a preacher. At one time I believed what many in the Lord's church teach on divorce and remarriage. I was sincere. Everyone who teaches what I call the "traditional" view is sincere as well. But it is contrary to what the Scripture reveals and it is contrary to the nature of God Himself.

You can't unscramble an egg. Your sins are in your past. Repentance does NOT include retribution. Repentance involves the present tense and the future tense...not the past tense. I am sure that the ex-spouses moved on with their lives as well and would never be willing to take either of you back. Those past marriages are dead. How does a murderer repent of the sin of murder? He vows never to kill anyone ever again and does his best to live his life by God's standard. You can't return to the marriages you originally had any more than a murderer can bring back the life he ended.

Two wrongs do not make a right. Divorce is destructive and painful and much like death. It is wrong to deprive your children of a mommy who loves daddy and a daddy who loves mommy. I want to recommend a book to you as well. It is a book called, "When Marriages Bomb, There Is A Balm In Jesus Christ. It is by Lavelle Layfield. He is a preacher in a church of Christ in Athens Texas. It is probably the best study of divorce and remarriage that I have ever read. I only disagree with him about one thing. Several times in the book he refers to divorce as a sin. It has never been listed in the Bible as a sin and God Himself said He divorced Israel for the reason of adultery when they worshipped idols. I do believe there is never a time when God is pleased with a divorce, but that does not mean He does not see them as divorces. When Jesus spoke to the woman at the well and asked her to get her husband, she said she didn't have a husband. Did Jesus say, You are correct...you had one husband and four adulterous marriages? No. He said, you speak the truth for you have had FIVE HUSBANDS and the man you are with now is not your husband.

You both have learned from your past mistakes and have lived the past 18 years as best you could by God's standards and have built a family that is centered on God. That pleases God. To destroy your loving home would not please Him. Love each other and know that God forgave your past sins. Live the rest of your days showing your love for God and your thankfulness for His Grace.

         In Christ, Joe Norman

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your response. I would like to add that my children are no longer babies, we still have 2 in high school but the others are older. Your answer was helpful to me, I'm not sure it will be for my husband, he is sure that we are doomed if we stay married and I know he does not want a divorce, he is so torn by this as I am. I have become consumed. I'm not sure I alone can convince my husband that we are ok. I can't believe that God would want us to go through the rest of our lives alone, the thought of not having the man that is MY HUSBAND with me to share my life with is unbearable.  I have not shown your answer to him as of yet, I will tonight. Thank you again for trying to help.

Answer
Thank you Paige. If you get the book I recommended to you, I think it can convince him to stay married. Again, the book is by Lavelle Layfield and is called, "When Marriages Bomb, There Is A Balm In Jesus Christ."

I am also happy to study with him either over the phone or by email. Considering the vast amount of information to study and cover, it would probably be best to correspond with your husband via email. My
personal email address is joetenor1066@gmail.com

I hope that if he is not convinced by my first response to you, he will be willing to study with me by email. He can call me as well at 940-391-1736 but I will not be able to talk until after 3:30pm on Friday. I am taking night classes and have finals this week through Thursday night.

I am the 4th generation of my family to be a member of the Lord's church and have served as a deacon for over 3 years back when I was married. I am as "conservative" as one can be without being a modern-day Pharisee. I prefer to avoid terms like "conservative" and "liberal" because as I see it, a person is either biblical or he is not biblical. I am convinced that my current understanding of the marriage, divorce, and remarriage issue is the correct one. What surprised me is that my dad and my grandfather and even my great-grandfather came to the same conclusions. My great-grandfather helped plant more than 100 churches of Christ in Texas alone.

I am not looking for "loopholes" in this matter. I started noticing problems with what has been traditionally taught in the churches of Christ on MDR since I was in highschool. I have studied all the passages that speak on this in the entire Bible many times. I have even studied respected scholars' teachings on this topic. Most of them are wrong. They are sincere, but are wrong.

No other sin is treated like the sin of adultery - and some call all divorce an equal sin to adultery. A murderer who gains freedom from our legal system is accepted completely as a brother in Christ if he became a Christian. It is only when one has been divorced that some think they need to interrogate this person regarding the cause of divorce prior to "allowing" them to be baptized. I see no record in the New Testament of anyone being asked questions about prior marriages and divorces before they are allowed to be baptized. I see no example of anyone being told they need to break up an "adulterous marriage" and live celibate the rest of their lives if they want to get to Heaven. If what many in the churches of Christ believe were true, there would have been several examples of people being told to divorce to make their lives right with God...and Paul would have clarified how one became loosed if only some were free to marry and not sin by doing so.

I am praying for you and your husband.

   In Christ, Joe Norman