Expert: Joe Norman - 5/9/2008

Question
Hi joe,

I just want to ask a question on a particular situation:
For example a couple who haven't been married yet but they  enagaged in a pre-marital sex. As a result the girl got pregnant. The couple then realizes that what they did was totally absolutely wrong and asked God for forgiveness. But unfortunately there is already a consequence on what they did (which is the unplanned pregnancy). Now the couple are still dependent to their parents. Is living with someone you aren't married it to is a sin? Should they marry at once since they already have a child or should they just wait for the right time to enter into marriage? What does the bible say about this? Hope you can give light to this. Thank you. :)

Answer
I want to thank you for asking me about this particular situation. I will do my best to answer biblically. What this couple should do depends upon certain details that I do not know. The first question you asked can be answered easily regardless of the other details I do not know about this couple.

You asked if it is a sin for a couple to live together when they are not married. That is not exactly the question, but I think it is basically what you are asking.

The Bible is pretty clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin. There is no doubt about that one. Here is one passage to consider.

1 Corinthians 7:1 & 2 (ESV)
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

Paul is basically telling us that one of the main reasons for marriage is to help us avoid "sexual immorality" (some versions say, fornications). If you look at the definition of the Greek word "porneia", it covers a very wide range of sexual sins. Just one is sex outside of a marriage relationship.

Now whether or not this couple should get married depends entirely upon whether or not they really love each other and intend to remain married for the rest of their lives. Couples should never get married ONLY due to pregnancy. Two wrongs do not make a right. I have seen many young couples get pressured into marriage by their parents because of a pregnancy and within a year or two, the couple gets a divorce - or there is physical and/or mental abuse. The only couples who should get married are the ones who do so for the right reasons.

Many women plan all their lives for their wedding ceremony and want it to be perfect. It is sad that more focus and energy is not spent on planning the marriage itself - how to make it happy and life-long. If someone thinks they will be happy when they get married, their thinking is wrong. They need to be focused on making the man or woman they marry happy each and every day of their lives. The focus should not be on his or her self.

Now the Bible does not have much to say directly to this situation, but when you study all it presents on marriage, it is clear that the husband and wife should be focused on each other and not on themselves. One of the best passages on marriage is found in the letter to the Ephesian church. I would like to share it with you.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (ESV)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Marriage requires a very unselfish attitude. Consider one more passage.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 (ESV)
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.

I do hope that I have been of some help to you regarding this particular situation. If this couple wants to get married for the right reasons, I see nothing at all wrong with that, but they should abstain from sexual intimacy and not live together until after they are married. The guy needs to get some way of supporting the family if they choose to get married. Yet, if they do not really love each other, they should not marry at all. It would be good though if the guy will at the very least, be involved in the raising of the child.

If you have any follow-up questions or need any clarification on anything, just let me know. I pray God will watch over this couple. Thanks again for allowing me to offer some assistance in understanding God's will in this matter. To God be the glory.

              Immersed Into Christ, Joe Norman