Expert: Ernie Laurence, Jr. - 7/17/2008

Question
QUESTION: My name is Keonna and the reason i am questioning you is hopefully to attain a clearer understanding of my situation. I was referred to by Joe Norman. I feel that I must deliever all of the details before I post my question. At the age of 20 I got married to a guy from Sudan. During our time together there was infidelity on his part which caused us to split. I became a member of the Church after we split but before the divorce was final. It took him a while to come around and finally sign the papers; however, there is a huge gap in between the time that the papers were signed by us and the divorce was final. The lawyer I had was careless with her work and filed them with the courts a year later only after I phoned to inquire about the status. Well, during that time a new relationship was started between myself and another guy and I am extremely unclear of my status to remarry because I moved on before the divorce was final. I understand the Bible and it's teaching on divorce, but am I at fault also because I was in another relationship before the first was final, or because the marriage bond was already broken did it even matter. It is my worst fear to fall from grace and enter into another marriage without out bibilical grounds. Please enlighten me on this issue!!!!  Thanks in advance.


ANSWER: Hello Keonna.

Thanks for the question and I appreciate Joe referring you to me.  I apologize for taking so long to get back with you.  I am in the process of buying my first home and my internet access is sporadic at best this summer.  Please forgive me.

Also, this reply is going to be pretty blunt because of the nature of the question.  Please don't be offended by the nature of my words, but I want to be absolutely clear so that there can be no misunderstanding between us.

Your situation is very cut and dried and it is one I've encountered before and studied quite a bit about.  The only question I have for you is this:  in the second relationship that you began, have you had any kind of sexual activity with your new boyfriend?  

1.  If the answer is "none", that is, you were dating and perhaps kissed or whatever, but no sex of any kind took place, then you are fine.  You shouldn't be having any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage anyway and not doing so avoids any complications like what you are asking about.  So if you haven't, great, you are in the clear according to scripture, which I'm sure is a relief.

If the divorce is now final BY LAW (Rom. 7:1-4) then you can go ahead and remarry and then whatever you want to do with your new, scriptural husband is between the two of you.

2.  However, if you did have any kind of sex (fornication is what the Bible calls it and it is more than just that required for reproduction) with your new boyfriend before the divorce was finalized according to the law of the land, then you are guilty of adultery as well.  If that is the case, let me know and I'll expand on option 2.  If not, then there is no need to expand unless you are just curious.

I should have constant access now so I will check every day for your reply.

I thoroughly commend you for putting your relationship with God first and wanting to study about this before you go ahead with anything.  It shows an honest heart and a strong faith in our King, Jesus the Christ.

In Truth and Love,

Ernie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so....... much for responding. However, yes fornication did occur before I got the final papers. I truely want to know the truth. A former church member of mine once told me that it would be okay for me to remarry because the marriage bond had already been broken, does this even matter. I guess where I get hung up at is when the bible says that unless the divorce was for fornacation or adultery and we did divorce because of adultery on his part, so are we both quilty and can not remarry? Please enlighten me....

Thanks!

Answer
It is very important for you to read Romans 7:1-4.  The "marriage bond" that the other person told you about is not dissolved unless the law says it is.  God recognizes the legitimate law of the land and in fact legitimate governments receive their authorization from God to exist.  So whatever that marriage bond entails, it is not broken until the law says it is or until death...and THAT is just in the case of adultery, the one acceptable spiritual reason for divorce.  A legal divorce for any other reason is not sufficient to break the marriage bond spiritually.

In your case, you were not legally divorced according to the law of the land (Romans 7:1-4) before you committed fornication, therefore you also are guilty of adultery and were not a candidate for scriptural divorce according to scripture.  Any "marriage" on your part to anyone other than your original husband would be considered ongoing adultery according to Matt. 19:9 and other passages.

No doubt this information is going to make you feel REALLY terrible, but I want to close by relating a story concerning a woman I worship with now.  Her name is Connie.  Connie was married and had a son, got divorced for unscriptural reasons, married someone else, had another son, then was converted.  She studied her way through the whole marriage issue and realized her second marriage was wrong and divorced the second husband even though she loved him very much.  They are still friends, but she does not do anything husband/wife with him.  Her choice was for God and she is one of the strongest Christians I know.  She is also one of the most upbeat, fun people I know.  Her sons see her example, too, and are faithful because of it.  

I am here if you ever need me.

In Truth and Love,

Ernie