Expert: Joe Norman - 12/29/2009

Question
I have a question regarding divorce and need answers. I am a member of a church of christ. I have been married for 21 years.  My questions is...my husband was previously married.  He and his first wife were nonpracticing, nonmembers of any congregation.  They were married less than 3 years.  They had marital problems, as well as other issues that effected the marriage.  It was destructive and abusive.  She decided that she did not won't to be married any more. So they preceeded to get a divorce.  We then met, his divorce was finalized, and we got married. As I said we have been married  21 years, have 2 healthy children, and have been trully blessed. Since marrying me, he was bapitized and attends church with me, but not regularly due to work schedules, which I tend to remedy.  I can honestly say for 21 years I have thought about his divorce.  One time in our marriage he did have an affair, and then I knew I had biblical reasons to divorce, but didn't do so. It was after this time in our marrige, he was baptized and our children borned.  In this time of my life, I am trying to get my life right with the Lord and raise my children in the way I should, but feel I need some assurance and some answers.  I have read the Bible scriptures concerning this matter, but not sure how to apply it to my situation involving 2 nonbelievers in a previous marriage, then with my husband becoming a member of the church of christ.  
Thank you and I trully look forward to your response.

Answer
Hi Michelle,

I apologize for taking so long to reply but due to the holidays I have not been able to get here to answer questions. Now I will seek to answer you as biblically as I can. I encourage you to make sure what is said is true. There are many who believe that the prior sins in a past marriage are not washed away by baptism. Many believe that if you (even a non-Christian) are divorced for reasons other than adultery, and married someone new that you are in a constant adulterous marriage. They will refuse baptism to this person until that person divorces to get out of the adulterous marriage and vows to never marry anyone ever again.

I do not see any support for this anywhere in the Bible or in "church" history. Baptism washes away ALL past sins and there is no Command, Example, or Necessary Inference to indicate anyone should be denied baptism for any reason other than if they do not truly believe Jesus is the Son of God and understand they are sinners who need Christ's blood to save them.

Now I have a question for you. What constitutes adultery (unchastity)? Is it only having extra-marital relations? Or can it be what Paul talks about in I Cor.7:2-5? Is depriving a mate of sexual privilege not sexual unfaithfulness? If not, why not? It is clearly wrong according to Paul's teaching if it goes on for any length of time AND without mutual consent and for a spiritual purpose. Sorry, that was several questions, but they are all tied together.

But in Matt.19:9, which is the main verse most in the churches of Christ focus on, Jesus mentions the cause of "fornication" which is much broader than the word adultery. Also, Christianity didn't begin in a vacuum. It's roots were deep in the soil of Judaism, and its branches reached out into the Gentile world. When Jews were offered the invitation to become Christians, they were not grilled about their marital, divorce, pre-marital, or extra-marital status prior to their baptism. Neither were Gentiles, some of whom Paul says, had been homosexuals. It was assumed the blood of Christ was powerful enough to wash away all sins.

In the Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek languages, the word "divorce" carried with it the right to remarry, so in the New Testament, when the word "divorce" appears, readers should read into the passage the right to remarry. But also keep in mind the words of Jesus regarding divorce and remarriage were directed at Jews and not intended to be Christian doctrine. In Matthew 19, Jesus was being tested by Pharisees regarding the Law of Moses. Many want to ignore this fact.

As I have said before, there were two main groups of Jews who disagreed over divorce and remarriage at the time of Jesus. The school of Hillel and the school of Shammai. Shammai taught the only legitimate cause for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness. Hillel taught divorce was due to the husband's discretion and he could divorce her for any reason. The teachings of Hillel were the most popular at that time.

In verse 3 of Matthew 19, the Pharisees ask..."Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?" They began with "is it lawful?" Jesus asks if they have not read the book of Genesis and quotes it by reminding them God made Male and Female and when they come together the two shall become "one flesh" and states what God has joined together, let not man separate (verses 4-6). Notice Jesus did not say, CANNOT separate.

It is pointed out that Jesus went back to the time of creation long before the Law of Moses so some will argue this means Jesus saw God's original purpose for man and woman to be universal applying to Christians, non-Christians, Jews, and non-Jews. This is not the case. The book of Genesis was part of the Old Law even though it covered time long before the Law of Moses...it was written by God through Moses. Also, God's ideal for mankind was that he never sin and always have a close and loving relationship with God. When sin entered the world it was no longer possible for man to have that same relationship with God he enjoyed in the garden of Eden.

When Jesus pointed out God's original intent, the Pharisees asked why Moses COMMANDED to give a bill of divorce and put her away. They saw the instructions in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 as a command and Jesus never states that it wasn't a command either. But they omitted the cause for divorce. Moses, through God mentions a cause. It is in verse 1 of Deut.24. Some "uncleanness" is the cause given. The Hebrew word is "ervah" which is very broad in meaning. It literally means some nakedness or a blemish, but was used both literally and figuratively. All we know is it was something which caused her to lose favor in his eyes. It could not have been adultery because there is a Hebrew word for adultery and it was not used. The Hebrew word is "na-aph".

Jesus responds by saying Moses permitted them to divorce their wives for the hardness of their hearts, but from the beginning it wasn't God's ideal (vs.8). Then in verse 9, He says this...

Matt.19:9  
9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

I firmly believe Jesus is merely re-establishing what was written in Deut.24. He was not giving new law and was not contradicting the Law of Moses. He was not speaking to Christians. Now we need to understand the word translated as sexual immorality or fornication. I know many will disagree, but I believe this covers a wide range of things from physical or verbal abuse to withholding sex, to abandonment, to adultery. Anything that is a severe breaking of the marriage vows is included here. I believe this was true in Deut.24 as well. The other thing we need to address is the word translated as "commits". Many claim this is a continuous action but some and I am one contend it is a one time sin act. If "commits" were continuous all other actions in that sentence would need to be continuous. There is only one divorce and on re-marriage and these result in one committing of adultery if not for reason of fornication. If done for reason of fornication, no sin of adultery is committed by the divorce and re-marriage.

Jesus never tells anyone they can't ever have a marriage again. No one in the entire New Testament tells anyone they must remain unmarried because they divorced for reasons other than fornication. The woman at the well was told by Jesus she had 5 husbands and the man she was currently with, was not her husband. It is very unlikely she had become a widow 5 times, yet Jesus called them all husbands. He didn't say you have had one husband and 4 adulterous marriages. Divorce ALWAYS ends a marriage and implied in the word divorce is the right to marry someone new.

Your situation is not covered by scripture, but enough is covered by scripture to guide us in all situations. Neither your husband nor his first wife were Christians and therefore were not bound to the Christian standards. When your husband was baptized into Christ becoming a Christian, his entire past sins were washed away. Even his sin of adultery against you in your marriage was washed away because the blood of Christ is that powerful. You forgave him and so did God. God hates divorce so why would God expect you to divorce your current husband now? You forgave him his adultery and then he became a Christian and you had children together. These children are born into a Christian home. Stay together and continue to grow in your love for one another. The best gift your children can be given is to have a mommy who loves daddy and a daddy who loves mommy. You have stayed together 21 years too. We can't unscramble an egg and this is what it seems many try to do.

I leave you with these verses from I Corinthians to keep in mind.

1 Cor.7:27, 28
27  Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28  But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

To be loosed from a wife, you can either have never been married or you can be divorced or widowed. None of these options are limited by anything in the passage and therefore all are possible ways to be loosed. Paul says if a loosed man marries, he hasn't sinned. He also specifies virgins and says if a virgin marries she hasn't sinned. The church was under a time of distress and this "distress" is the only reason for encouraging (not commanding) celibacy.

1 Tim.4:1-3
1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.

Forbidding to marry is included as a "doctrine of demons" and this is because it encourages fornication. Paul states in the first two verses of I Cor.7 that because of fornication each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Even in a marriage Paul says not to deprive one another because it encourages the temptation of fornication. Please stay with your husband and let the past stay in the past. Repentance doesn't look backward it is always looking forward. It is being determined from this day forward to never again commit a particular sin.

If I did not answer adequately, please let me know. If you have follow-up questions or would like me to analyze a specific verse for you, I am more than happy to do so. I pray God's blessings on you and your family. You are truly striving to be pleasing to God; not because you are trying to earn your salvation, but to express your love for God and your trust in God's promises.

In Christian love, Joe Norman