Expert: Hoyt Roberson - 12/29/2009

Question
I have a question regarding divorce and need answers. I am a member of a church of Christ. I have been married for 21 years.  My questions is...my husband was previously married.  He and his first wife were nonpracticing, nonmembers of any congregation.  They were married less than 3 years.  They had marital problems, as well as other issues that effected the marriage.  It was destructive and abusive.  She decided that she did not won't to be married any more. So they proceeded to get a divorce.  We then met, his divorce was finalized, and we got married. As I said we have been married  21 years, have 2 healthy children, and have been truly blessed. Since marrying me, he was baptized and attends church with me.  I can honestly say for 21 years I have thought about his divorce. One time in our marriage he did have an affair, and then I knew I had biblical reasons to divorce, but didn't do so. It was after this time in our marriage, he was baptized and our children borned.  In this time of my life, I am trying to get my life right with the Lord and raise my children in the way I should, but feel I need some assurance and some answers regarding me and my choice to marry someone who was previously married. I have read the Bible scriptures concerning this matter, but not sure how to apply it to my situation involving 2 nonbelievers in a previous marriage, then with my husband becoming a member of the church of Christ.   I truly want to be right in the sight of the Lord. My question is...how do I get right in my life and have a place in Heaven after marrying someone who was previous married.  I keep telling myself that my husband would not have been baptized and become a member of the Church of Christ if it had not been marrying me.  I feel I was an active part in doing that.  I am now an active part of my congregation as is my husband and children. PLEASE HELP ME in my quest for answers.  
Thank you and I truly look forward to your response."

Answer
Michelle,

In short, you're worrying too much about stuff that doesn't matter - really. Depending on which Church of Christ you attend, or to whom you talk about this situation, you will get a different answer than the one I'm going to give you.

We should not interpret Scripture to mean that we SHOULD divorce anyone - even if they have had an affair or had been married before. There is nothing in Scripture to suggest that the preferred Christian response to your situation is to disrupt yet another family. You and your husband - presumably - have given yourselves to one another for life. That is the real expectation behind what Scripture says about marriage.

Jesus' statements in Matthew speak to a situation in which Jewish men - who could do just about anything they wanted - had the habit of trading in their wives for any reason they could come up with. That's the basis of the question "can we dump our wives for any reason, or just for infidelity?" Jesus' answer to that specific question (and not any other question) was - just for infidelity, not for any old reason. It is important to remember that in that society, men could do whatever they want and women had very little options in the whole thing. Women were at a distinct disadvantage and were essentially powerless.

All Scriptural passages should be taken with this background or a similar one in mind.

There is a view in many Churches of Christ that divorced people are somehow "still married in the eyes of God." There really isn't any basis for that view in Scripture. God does not pretend that people haven't been divorced, seemingly sticking his fingers in his ears and chanting "you're still married, you're still married."

If there is sin in divorce, it is in the divorce itself and not in any subsequent marriage. The Church of Christ view in the previous paragraph often comes with its corollary that goes something like "every time the new couple has sex, they both commit adultery forever." This corollary must depend on the first requirement that somehow one or both of them are still married. That is not the case and therefore there is no on-going adultery. You either are an adulterer or adulteress, or you aren't. You don't keep being (a new) one every day.

Another aspect of the standard Church of Christ view is that the 'fix' is normally stated as "ending your current marriage and returning to your previous spouse." The problem is that doing so is specifically stated as an abomination in Scripture. A husband who had gotten rid of his wife, and who had herself married someone else, could not be re-claimed.

In your specific case, your husband and his wife were forgiven of their sin of divorce (assuming they were both somehow guilty at the time) when they repented of following their own desires (assuming they both have) and became God followers.

Your husband's affair should not be used as an excuse for divorcing him and you seem to have made the righteous choice of not doing so at the time. It has been too long to now bring it back up and use it to "fix" a presumed current problem.

God wants his people to make commitments and live up to them. This is the background to his expectations for marriage. In the Old Testament, God is upset with Israel because they had broken the promises of their youth when they got rid of their earlier wives. He wasn't mad that they were re-married, but that they had broken their commitments. This is instructive in that God himself is faithful and he expects his people to be. Not because they have to, but because we are called to live as God lives. We are to live faithful lives, not lives that marry and reject various spouses for any old reason.

This forum is not an appropriate one for me to expand on all these concepts but there are books available that can help. Here are two:

-- Divorce and Remarriage, by Shelly
-- Down but not Out, by Maxey

These books do not present the standard Church of Christ view, but they will likely help you in your quandary.

Here are my views, in a nutshell:

--God wants his people to be faithful people. Therefore, the sin is in not remaining faithful to a vow of life-long commitment.
--The sin is, just like other sins, limited in time and space to the time that the vow was rejected (not just violated by an affair or because one or the other said something that stung) - when you jettisoned your spouse.
--God knows when people are no longer married and he doesn't pretend they still are.
--The sin of violating your vow, just as other sins, can be repented of and forgiven.
--Jesus' statement is primarily focused on wanton wife swapping by powerful men, and his response is based on both their question and the social situation at the time.
--It doesn't seem to make since that God's preference would be for you at this time, to divorce your husband and disrupt another family (your current one) simply because some folks don't understand Scripture and its application well.

Given the above, it remains true that God's preference is that we remain faithful to those to whom we have made a commitment. In this case, you have made a commitment to your husband and you should maintain that commitment. The fact that he has had an affair twenty years ago is largely irrelevant.

Now, let's use the standard Church of Christ view and apply it to your husband's first marriage. His wife decided she didn't want to be married. According to the Church of Christ view, he is free to remarry either at that time, or after we're sure she had had sex with someone else. At that point, his marriage to you was legitimized and you're fine.

You will notice that that view requires a bit of winking to come to that conclusion, but it is the standard view. Therefore, we see not only in my view, but also in the standard Church of Christ view, your husband is free to be with you - and you with him.

Enjoy your space in Heaven.

Blessings to you and your family,

Hoyt