AboutJoe Norman Expertise I can answer questions regarding acceptable worship, organization of the church, or any apsect of the Christian life. I am the son of a preacher and have studied the Bible from cover to cover since I was 12 years old. I am strong in my research skills and do not follow teachings of men. Many will label me as conservative and some might label me as liberal, but I just seek to be biblical. I understand proper exegesis and hermeneutics and apply them. My desire is to share my knowledge of God's Word with others. Please always keep in mind that none of us who are listed as experts here are divinely inspired and therefore it is possible to get incorrect answers from any one of us. Study the Scriptures and decide for yourself if what is taught is true.
Experience I am the 4th generation in my family to be a faithful member of the church of Christ. I was raised by a preacher and have studied the Bible everyday since I was twelve. I am 44 yrs old now. I am not a "scholar", but I am very familiar with the scriptures.
Organizations member of the church of Christ, served as a Deacon for a few years at LakeShore church of Christ in Waco, Tx. I currently live in the North Dallas area and worship with the Lewisville church of Christ.
Question QUESTION: Joe, I would appreciate your thoughts on a rather thorny issue regarding divorce, remarriage, and the desire to continue worshipping as commanded in the New Testament. Since I have read your responses to several MDR questions and, for the most part, agree with your conclusions, I feel that you may understand the position of someone who does not agree with the mainstream Church of Christ doctrine on MDR and be able to offer your insight on how to resolve a matter of conscience. Like you, I was raised in the Church of Christ. My father is a minister, as are several of my uncles. Needless to say, I am very aware of how the Church regards those who divorce (for reasons other than the so-called exception clause) and remarry.
My question: If one who has been divorced for reasons other than an unfaithful spouse (e.g., her spouse is abusive and/or that person herself is the one who was unfaithful) and remarries, should she explain her situation to the elders of the congregation where she now attends and has attended for several years, even though this would most likely result in disfellowship since that Church follows the mainstream MDR beliefs of no divorce and remarriage except in the case of an unfaithful spouse, even though she believes the Church is in error in this regard? If she is disfellowshipped, there will be no other congregations in that area where she can worship since they all hold this view.
This is the quandary, then: Full disclosure at the risk of disfellowship or keeping quiet and being able to continue worshipping, all the while worrying about what might happen if someone finds out the mistakes she made 20 years ago? There is also the concern that if other members of the congregation knew about her past, they would not feel comfortable fellowshipping her and would, in fact, most likely ostracize her. Do they have the right to know?
Any thoughts or advice you can offer are most welcome. And may I also say that after 20 years of despair, it is because of recently finding sites like yours, Robert Waters, Olan Hicks, and others that I now feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time: Hope.
ANSWER: Hi brother Kenzo,
I agree that this is a rather thorny issue. You have probably heard the suggestion before about choosing your battles. This is just such a case that requires some careful consideration.
The brothers and sisters who believe the "traditional" view of MDR are very sincere and truly believe they correctly understand God's Word on this matter. But as you also know, a person can be sincere and still be wrong. Paul thought he was doing what pleased God when he was persecuting the church.
The problem is that there is no way one person is going to convince the preacher and the elders and all the fellow members they are incorrect on MDR. This is not a battle I believe can be won. The congregation I worship with is very similar and so I must choose my battles as well.
My personal advice is don't provide full disclosure. It is not really any of their business. The problem still remains that someone might eventually find out her mistakes of the past and she will continue to worry about it. I don't know how to change that. The only other way is to find a church that does not hold to the traditional view of MDR, but they are hard to find and you made it clear that all the congregations in the area believe the same on MDR.
If anyone asked, I would not lie to them. I would either tell them you don't wish to talk about it other than to assure them I am in good standing with God on the matter (phrase it how you think best).
I also desire full openness with my fellow Christians. My divorce is seen as "scriptural" by most everyone in the church, but my understanding of MDR would not sit well with most everyone. I am not afraid to discuss MDR with anyone who disagrees with me, but I also am not willing to enter into an endless argument. There comes a point when continuing to talk with someone on MDR is a waste of time and effort on both sides.
I love all people and especially those of the household of faith. I want to avoid causing any divisions within the church as well. So this becomes very difficult to know how to handle. I know that my position on MDR is correct. I have studied both sides of this issue for several years. I wish I could offer better advice, but all I can advise is do not give full disclosure, but don't lie either. It is between you and God (or her and God).
I am also thankful that Robert Waters, Olan Hicks and others have helped me to understand the truth on MDR and that together we are helping educate many who have lost all hope and provide hope once more.
I found another good book called "Down But Not Out" by Al Maxey that is excellent on MDR. It is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. The only thing I am compelled to add is be careful about reading anything else by Al Maxey. He rejects "patternism" and the Direct Command, Approved Example, and Necessary Inference along with the tested and true hermeneutics.
But I found he used these tools he claims to reject when he wrote his book on MDR. That book is full of great information and well researched material.
Last, I wish to let you know that even though most everyone sees my divorce as "scriptural", they do not treat me as an equal Christian and I can sense they are uncomfortable being around me. This is just sometimes the reality. The problem is in the people who treat you poorly and not in anything from your past as long as you have repented and been forgiven of God. Again, I apologize for not having better advice. If you have any follow-up questions or would like to ask a totally different question, please know that I am always willing to help.
God bless!
In Christian Love, Joe Norman
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QUESTION: Brother Joe,
I appreciate your quick response, and I would also beg your forgiveness for being rather deliberately vague and ambiguous in my earlier question. You see, I am Sister Kenzo, and, of course, the situation I described is my own. It is something that has tormented me for several years because I have this feeling of being dishonest in attending this congregation while holding this secret from my past to myself. I do feel that it’s possible that some of the elders and ministers may realize my position since this church is one city away from the church that I left when I divorced. They have never approached me, though, but I fear that it will eventually become an issue.
As you say, I truly believe that the people who accept the traditional view of MDR are not only honest and trying to please God but are also completely sincere, yet it is still possible to be completely sincere and sincerely wrong. I have considered talking to one of our ministers about it, but again, as you’ve so astutely pointed out, it is unlikely that I could ever convince anyone that they might be wrong or to consider another viewpoint. In addition, I sometimes feel that there are some in the Church who hold the view that most women are incapable of being serious Bible scholars and would never accept a challenge to traditional thought if presented by a woman. Therefore, I really do have to agree with you that it is best to avoid this battle and simply continue attending and worshipping.
Interestingly enough, this past week I’ve ordered and received books by Olan Hicks and also the book you suggested by Al Maxey. While I don’t agree with everything Mr. Maxey believes regarding legalism, patternism, and CENI, I do admire his scholarship and the fact that he makes me think and question what I’ve always blindly accepted, which I believe is a good thing. What I’ve read so far in his study of MDR appears to be solidly researched and well written, and I’m looking forward to delving more deeply into his book.
Joe, I want to thank you for your advice and your compassion. It is very difficult to be either divorced or divorced and remarried as a member of the Lord’s church, because I do believe it’s true that one in this position is treated differently by their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Best wishes to you, and my sincere thanks to you for helping me think this difficult situation through and offering your insight.
In Christ,
Sister Kenzo
Answer Thanks for clearing some things up for me. I didn't want to assume who was writing to me and so made an incorrect assumption as to whether it was a man or a woman writing to me.
I did not realize that you had been a member of another church nearby prior to your divorce. I can only assume that since the elders of the church you are a part of now have not approached you, it most likely won't happen in the future either. They probably figure they would not be able to succeed in anything other than driving you completely away from God so they have opted for hoping you will just do your best to live a Christian life and let God deal with your divorce and remarriage.
I could be wrong about that, but it seems there are many elders who would rather just not get involved these days in something as difficult to deal with as divorce and remarriage.
I can only imagine what it is like for a Christian woman to deal with church leaders. There is a real difference in the humility and submission women are to show to men. I personally have longed for having a wife who was as serious about the study of God's Word as I am. I think it is rare to see in women because I think many think it is only for men to be that scholarly.
I think women need to be just as serious in the study and maturity of their knowledge of God's Word as any man. They need to be able to teach and convert other women and help their husbands to raise children who are also good students of God's Word. They also can be better teachers in Bible classes for young kids and women.
I do agree that it is good to have someone challenge what you were raised to believe - to think and question. I just think we need to make sure we use good hermeneutics when we seek to answer questions. My dad always taught me not to blindly believe anything anyone teaches - not even him. He encouraged me to study to see if what is taught is true.
That has stuck with me more than anything. In my Christian walk I have learned that sometimes I can be too focused on the letter of the law and forget about justice, mercy, and faith. It is easy to forget that the laws of God were made for man and not man for the laws too.
I am thankful that you truly have a love for God and a desire to really study His Holy Word. If I can ever be of any service, please let me know. You are in my prayers.
