Expert: Joe Norman - 7/28/2009

Question
I have been married for 25 years and from day one have been miserable. I filed for divorce and am being pressured by church members and my husband to reconsider since I do not have a scriptural reason (adultery) for the divorce and because we have 2 children. I was subject to a few physical incidents early on in the marriage and much mental and emotional abuse in all the years that followed. I never felt any intimacy, love or oneness with my husband, only rejection. I tried to be a good wife, but would rather be alone or dead than to remain in the marriage. I would have divorced years ago, but feared eternal damnation and knew I would not be permitted to remarry (I wanted children so badly). I'm at the point now, I will risk the wrath of God.

I am told I would be a lifelong adulterer if I remarried, which seems to conflict with the teaching of forgiveness. I thought blasphemy of the Holy Spirit was the only unforgivable sin, but many Christians add divorce and remarriage, too.

I also need to confess that I added silently to my wedding vows. When I repeated the promise to "forsake all others" I added to myself, except ______ (the name of the person I truly loved). I wanted to marry that person, but was told I could not because he was Catholic and I was a Christian. Being a new Christian I followed the advice I was given and married what I thought was a good Christian. I'm not sure what God's position would be on my vows, but I asked the preacher about them before the wedding, but he refused to let me know what they were until the ceremony. Had I known them, I would have reconsidered the wedding.

I still want the divorce, scriptural or not, but feel like I will be rejected from the local congregation for it. I currently teach a children's Bible class and am active in the church. I may not be permitted to continue teaching and that saddens me. It seems so many of the divorced members of the congregation have a diminished role and I do not know if it is because they are shunned or because of a hardness of heart. Please advise me and help me understand the scriptures in an accurate manner.

Answer
Hi Sue,

I must apologize for accidentally puting this question in the question pool. My mouse went crazy. I am so sorry to hear your story. Unfortunately I hear many stories like it that break my heart. So many need to know the truth on this matter of MDR. I am very conservative as a member of the "mainstream" church of Christ. I follow the trusted hermeneutics of studying writings and Direct Command, Approved Example, and Necessary Inferrence. Having said that, we are all just uninspired humans today, so each person must determine for themselves if what someone is teaching is the truth. I ask that you do this as well. I am more than happy to share with you my insight into God's Word on MDR and to offer advice as well. Just keep in mind I am not a trained counselor.

First, is divorce ever called a sin in the Bible anywhere? Is it listed in the New Testament as a sin? I tell you right now the answer is no. Covenant breaking is listed as a sin, but not divorce. This is significant. It is possible to break a covenant (especially a marriage covenant) and not get a divorce. Sexual adultery is a breaking of the covenant of marriage. I believe ANYTHING contrary to the marriage vows is adultery too. Most of the time when you see the word "adultery" in the Bible it is used to speak of general unfaithfulness of the nation of Israel or of some person or group toward God. If a man beats his wife, he has been unfaithful to her in that according to God, the man must love his wife as Christ loves the church. Any form of abuse is contrary to what God expects from the man who is married.

Now let me cover the scriptures I am sure you are confronted with by your preacher, elders husband, and others. They tend to put all their focus on Matthew 19, but might also refer to Matthew 5, so we will cover those but I will only paste chapter 5's verses. To fully cover everything the Bible reveals on MDR, it would require a pretty large book, but I will try to condense for you. To begin in Matt.5:17,18 Jesus made a significant statement that many ignore.

"Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled."

Jesus was not giving new commands in this chapter. He was correcting Pharisee teaching on the Old Law. Next we will focus on the verses that always get the attention.

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

The most popular teaching on MDR in Jesus' day was from the school of Hillel who taught that a man could divorce his wife for any cause. So what most were taught that the cause for divorce was not important at all. Jesus was merely correcting the Pharisee teachings concerning Deut.24:1-4. Jesus was not giving new commands to Christians here or in chapter 19. He was more concerned with who carried the blame for the divorce and trying to reduce the number of divorces. He was telling them that the cause should be significant. The word "porneia" in what is known as the "exception" clause actually is equivalent to the words translated in Deut.24 as some uncleanness. It is also important to point out that in Matthew 5 Jesus says that putting away the wife causes her to commit adultery if there was no fornication (v32).

As I see it, the reason this so-called "exception clause" is only found in two places in the book of Matthew and not at all in the other gospels is because Matthew's gospel was the only one written to the Jews. This is another indication that Jesus was speaking on the Law of Moses and not giving new commands to Christians. Also, the "commits" adultery I am convinced does not indicate a continuous action, but rather a one-time act. It would be wrong in some cases to divorce and to do so would be to sin...commit adultery by being unfaithful to the spouse you married. But nowhere does Jesus or the apostles tell anyone they are in an "adulterous marriage" and to make their lives right with God, they need to divorce and return to the original spouse or live celibate. There is not one example of such in the New Testament.

In order to read what was written to Christians, we need to study the writings of Paul and he wrote most about MDR in I Corinthians 7. I will only focus on key parts for you here. This is already getting to be a long post. In the first two verses of that chapter, we see that Paul tells the Corrinthian church it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But then he tells them to avoid "fornications" let each man have his own wife and each woman have her own husband. In the next few verses he tells the married couple that they are to render to each other the affection due them. He reminds them that they belong to each other and not themselves. In verse 5 he says they should only withhold themselves from each other by mutual consent to focus on prayer, but should not stay apart very long to keep satan from tempting you to sin.

Then in verses 7, 8, and 9, we read that Paul encourages men to be celebate as he was, yet if they lacked self-control it would be better to marry than to burn with passion. In verse 7 he even points out that to live celebate requires a gift from God and few have this gift. Paul addresses two groups in these three verses. He is speaking to the "unmarried" and the "widows". Later he speaks to "virgins" so we KNOW that "unmarried" does not include virgins. I am convinced that "unmarried" covers the divorced as well as the non-virgin who never married.

Now when you get to verses 10 and 11, Paul speaks to the "married". Many unfortunately mis-interpret these verses as well. Paul is not speaking of divorce at all in these two verses. He is speaking of mere separation. The word "reconcile" tells me I am correct about this fact. If a couple is divorced, they cannot "reconcile" they can only get married all over again. Yet, two people who are living as best they can to be Christians who are married should be able to resolve any problems in their marriage. It is only when one or both develop a hard heart that divorce becomes inevitable.

The next section deals with married couples where one is not a Christian (12-16). I recommend careful study of the whole chapter, but I am going to skip down to verses 27 and 28. Paul tells them if they are "loosed" from a wife, not to marry and if they are "bound" to a wife, not to divorce. But he also tells those who are "loosed" if they do marry, they have not sinned and then adds that the virgin who marries does not sin either. To be "loosed" one must have at one point been "bound" as logic indicates. Paul gives no qualifiers like only if you are a widow or one who divorced due to adultery. I have many posts on this site about MDR. My understanding has changed slightly, but I am convinced there is no such thing as an adulterous marriage. I never want to encourage divorce though. But God does not want anyone to endure a life of mental, emotional, and/or physical abuse in any marriage.

Now let me speak on your personal story. Was it wrong to add what you did to your vows? Yes it was wrong. You should have never married the man you did, but you know that. Your heart belonged to another. I understand how and why you married someone you should not have married and that makes me sad as well. The people who pressured you to marry your current husband bear the guilt of encouraging a marriage doomed to fail. I dare say though that you are to be admired for trying to make your marriage work for 25 yrs. As I see it though, your husband is guilty of unfaithfulness due to his abuse toward you and you should have left a long time ago. Again, I think you know this.

To divorce and marry someone else is not something I encourage but to stay in a bad marriage full of any kind of abuse is wrong too. I will tell you that the church in general does treat those who are divorced differently. My divorce was "scriptural" according to most in the church and yet my role has become diminished. I have not taught a Bible class since my divorce. I think there is a good chance that your local church will disfellowship you if you divorce and marry another. If they don't, you will no longer be able to teach a Bible class at the very least. I think the reason divorced people are treated so differently is both because the others shun them and/or because they have a hard heart. It will be difficult in many ways to divorce, but you must determine whether or not staying in the marriage is worse. It sounds to me like staying in it is worse. I recommend you move to an area where no one knows you and you can start over with a new congregation. It is no one's business to know about your being divorced and/or remarried so I would not share that with anyone. It is between you and God. I do hope you will not leave the church though.

One last thing, celibacy was only encouraged by Paul due to the current "distress" the church was under at that time. But he also points out that "forbidding to marry" is a doctrine of demons in I Tim.4:1-3. I do believe some divorce is sin, but not in your situation. Yet, even if it were a sin for you to divorce him, that sin is forgiveable as you said. Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is the only "unforgiveable" sin. I want to recommend a book to you called, "When Marriages Bomb, There Is A Balm In Jesus Christ" by Lavelle Layfield. The only thing I really disagree with him about is that he thinks all divorce is sin, but forgiveable. I believe only some divorces are sin. I am praying for you Sue. Please feel free to read my other answers here. If you wish to write me directly for further study my email address is:

joetenor1066@gmail.com

In Christian love, Joe Norman