AboutJoe Norman Expertise I can answer questions regarding acceptable worship, organization of the church, or any apsect of the Christian life. I am the son of a preacher and have studied the Bible from cover to cover since I was 12 years old. I am strong in my research skills and do not follow teachings of men. Many will label me as conservative and some might label me as liberal, but I just seek to be biblical. I understand proper exegesis and hermeneutics and apply them. My desire is to share my knowledge of God's Word with others. Please always keep in mind that none of us who are listed as experts here are divinely inspired and therefore it is possible to get incorrect answers from any one of us. Study the Scriptures and decide for yourself if what is taught is true.
Experience I am the 4th generation in my family to be a faithful member of the church of Christ. I was raised by a preacher and have studied the Bible everyday since I was twelve. I am 44 yrs old now. I am not a "scholar", but I am very familiar with the scriptures.
Organizations member of the church of Christ, served as a Deacon for a few years at LakeShore church of Christ in Waco, Tx. I currently live in the North Dallas area and worship with the Lewisville church of Christ.
Question First and foremost I want you to know I did commit adultery after I had been married for almost 20 years. The reasons are various but I make no excuses, I sinned and she was nice enough to take me back, the next 10 years were good/bad with us trying to heal our marriage but the same things that made me stray then were never far from me.
Then in her effort to find comfort she went to an elder in the church and they had an affair. This affected me deeply but I tried very hard to overcome this mainly because I loved her and she had let me come back when I had strayed. About a year and a half from this point I had another affair, and my wife left me and recently divorced me (June). I did not want the divorce and tried many times to get her to go with me to a year long session on marriage. I do not blame her for not wanting to work on our marriage anymore, we had issues which we both found hard to overcome.
After telling you all of this, let me say I was a deacon for several years with the church and she was a preachers daughter. We both have been taught that our only recourse after the divorce is to stay unmarried for the rest of our lives. I have read your comments and want to know if they apply to our situation. I still love my ex and will always hope we can reconcile but if not, I would like for both of us to find a partner and not be alone for the rest of our lives. Your answer I hope will shed new light and help of both to better understand God's purpose,
In Christian Love,
Ray
Answer Hi Ray,
Thanks for choosing me to answer your questions. I apologize for taking so long to respond. Normally I am responding within 24 Hrs. Anyway, the short answer is yes, my comments you have read apply to your situation. But please let me try to explain.
First, it should be noted that I strongly believe that God has ALWAYS wanted one man and one woman to become one flesh for life. That was His original purpose from the beginning since before sin entered the world. I also believe no marriage should end if it is at all possible to fix the problems that develop.
Now there are some problems I have with the traditional view of divorce and remarriage. The first problem I have is that they seem to take Matt.19:9 as the main verse on MDR for Christians and then force all other related passages to fit their assumptions about what was said by Jesus in that one verse. This is exactly what faith only people do as well. It is poor hermeneutics to say the least. Jesus was not addressing Christians at all in Matthew or the other parallel passages in the gospels. He was addressing the Jews in chapter 5 and the Pharisees in chapter 19 of Matthew.
To better understand MDR in Christianity, we need to look at the words of Paul. He spoke to Christians. I Corinthians chapter 7 contains the most detailed guidance for Christians on MDR. In the first 3 verses, Paul makes it clear that although it is good for a man not to touch a woman, because of fornication, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Then he goes on in verses 4 and 5 to explain that the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife. He says they should not deprive one another sexually except for a short period of time to focus on prayer. But only when both agree to it and only briefly to avoid temptation.
Before I go further I wish to explain another problem I have with the "traditional" view. As in your case when you first committed adultery against your wife, she forgave you - or tried to forgive you. You didn't get a divorce due to the first affair. But according to the "traditional" view, the power to decide who must live the rest of their lives celibate is in the hands of the spouse who was faithful. If the faithful spouse wants to be vindictive she can choose to divorce you because she knows (from the traditional teaching) that divorce will force you to live celibate for the rest of your life, or burn in Hell when you die. Kind of a you hurt me so bad by cheating, take this divorce and suffer either loneliness the rest of your earthly life, or burn in Hell for eternity. God doesn't work that way. God is a just God.
Now back to I Cor.7. In verses 7-9, we see that to be able to live a life celibate requires a certain gift from God. Not many have that gift that Paul had. Paul knew that. He says if a person lacks self-control, let them marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Unmarried can refer to widows and widowers. It can also refer to never married and those divorced as well. But in this chapter Paul speaks specifically to the widows, the virgins, the married, and the unmarried. I am convinced unmarried refers to both non-virgins who have never married as well as those divorced. So here is one section that tells me re-marriage does not result in an adulterous life.
Next we have verses 10 and 11. This passage is abused almost as much as Matthew 19:9. First, Paul begins by addressing the "MARRIED". He then says what he does about separation and not divorce. The Greek word for divorce is "apostasian". It is not there. Also, you can't reconcile with someone that divorced you. All you can do is get married again. The fact that Paul used the word translated as "reconcile" tells me he is speaking of separation and not full divorce. Yet those who hold to the "traditional" interpretation assume too much and abuse this passage in trying to make it fit their pre-conceived ideas.
I can go on in explaining this chapter but I think you have read my other things on this already. Let me just point out that in verses 27 and 28 of I Cor.7 Paul says that those loosed from a wife should not marry, but if they do, they have not sinned. A person cannot be "loosed" unless he was at one point bound. Had Paul meant only widows, he would have specified.
So the bottom line in your situation is you both sinned, but all sin is completely forgivable except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. You are both free to marry someone else but should do your best to remain faithful for life to that new spouse. I hope that I have answered you well, but if you need to ask a follow-up question or a completely new question I am more than happy to respond. I will try to respond faster the next time as well.
