AboutHoyt Roberson Expertise I can answer just about any doctrinal, relational, or Scriptural question from a "traditional" church of Christ perspective, and from perspectives of somewhat more progressive congregations. If you want an answer from a particular perspective, let me know that up front, and I'll respond in that vein. If you want to peg me on the liberal-conservative spectrum, I would suggest a bit left of center. Depending on the question though, I might be far left, or perhaps rather toward the right.
Experience I am currently a shepherd of a congregation (which means, for those of you who aren't Church of Christ folk, I'm one of a handful of people responsible for the spiritual direction and maturity of the congregation, and who hire and fire the ministers). I have served in many capacities including adult class teacher (also current), deacon, administrator, and lay leader at two military bases. I am a life-long member of churches of Christ, mostly mainline congregations, but am quite familiar with more conservative and more liberal congregations and views as well. I read and subscribe to various books and periodicals for churches of Christ, and have discussed a variety of topics with representatives of our various groups both in person, and via mail.
Organizations Christian Association for Psychological Studies, American Association of Christian Counselors, and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Publications www.robersonblog.blogspot.com
Education/Credentials I hold a Masters of Ministry degree from Pepperdine University, as well as a Masters of Counseling degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Phoenix.
Question I have been married for three years.During these three years, I have dealt with physical abuse, and have been lied to on a daily basis. I walked in from my honeymoon with a 2000 dollar rent check taped to our door.My new husband at the time, lied about it, and made excuses to why it bounced, made up loans, and even said he felt so bad that he was going to ask the elders at church for help. This same behavior has continued for the last three years.I got to the point that I couldn't handle it anymore..a bill or something would start the cycle..I would get so mad , after sitting and asking nicely, to the progression of me throwing something..and then he would become physically violent to "keep me from hurting him" . We would sit on my chest, take my phone, he locked me in a room, pushed, and and got to the point he hit me...I stayed with him, and we both agreed to go to counseling..but we stopped going after we thought things were better...My first question is ..What does God expect in an abusive relationship? I felt he expected me to stay , and try to work it out. He almost killed me, and probably I him. Is the Bible clear on remarriage if this type of behavior is occurring.
After three months of being married ... I found him talking to a woman on a dating website, he had a new picture, his new job on it ( that he got after we got married)he had paid to be on the site. At this point, I went to the elders of the church and ask them for help. They sat down and talked to us, and said, this is wrong..you need to stop it. I was told I had no Biblical grounds for adultery..he didn't admit he did anything wrong..but I think your intention is clear if you are on a site and state you are single. Is that adultery?
3 months ago, I came home from a trip from my parents, and my husband informed me that he was moving out so we could get personal help, to save our marriage. He refused to come home, he didn't answer my phone calls, I saw him 5 times over a two month period.The only thing he did to help me was pay half the rent. I didn't feel this meet him obligation as a spouse per the New Testament, but the Church told me to be patient with him ( as I contacted the elders when it happened). After two months,he ask me to move out of the house so we could works things out...and I did...I however INSISTED that he his "vacation was over" and that he needed to come to counseling ( he and I had been going separately). He showed up, and said he wanted to work it out..Three days later, I went to our house( his residents) to pick up my dogs, and suspected something was up..so I hide my car, and he came home with his girlfriend, who he had been buying jewelry for, and had "dated before" she said, though I don't know when. I was told by the church I have the right to divorce., and remarry...He has never admitted that he was seeing this girl, he has never ask for forgiveness, he insisted on file for a divorce. I apologized to him, and did everything I could to get him to come home ( even some stupid things, because I was desperate..but none of which consisted of adultery).
Amongst the questions I asked above I have a few more.After I found out there was no hope, that he had cheated...I got on a Christian dating website myself..and put that I was divorced..I have not gone out on a date, and everyone I have talked to I have told I am in the process of divorcing...most of which have been through the process themselves and have been a great help to me. My point is, I want to do what is right. My marriage was over when he cheated...I guess, I am curious when God considers my marriage over... I was basically abandoned physically 4 months ago , and found him with another woman 1 month ago.Would it be wrong of me to go out on a "date". I know I would not allow anything physical to happen...but...I just don't know...what God expects of me. My marriage is over. Nothing I could do, would change the fact that he cheated on me, and ended our marriage. I am just curious if there is any indication of this type of situation in the Bible...none that I know of...
Does God forgive adultery and allow for remarriage of the adulterous partner? If he gets married is this considered a sin as long as he is married. I have a friend ...his wife cheated on him. He told her she could come home and work things out with him, and that he would forgive her. He considered his marriage over at that point, she moved out of state before the divorce. My friend started dating another woman, and had sexual relations with her, though his divorce was to be finalized that day. In the future, I would consider dating this person.As I believe he is now a strong Christian man. But , I do not know if God would consider that adultery. I know not every situation is spelled out in the Bible. But I am very confused about all of this. I apologize for the very long message, but I saw this website, and as a member of a Church Of Christ it is excellent to see someone providing this type of ministry. But it is hard to ask these questions to people at church that I know well.
I would appreciate any information you may have to give me ..
Thanks
Answer Hi Kelli!
You have have asked several questions, but it seems your question is really rather simple.
Are you free to divorce your husband and marry someone else? The technical answer is that if he has cheated on you, then yes, you are free to divorce him and marry again.
What is the status of your male friend? Again, the technical answer is that if he had sex with someone else while still married, he is guilty of adultery. However, relying on a technicality isn't in keeping with the will of God in this situation. His marriage was over at some point in the past whether or not the final paperwork was completed. God understands that.
There are other concerns though, that your question raises. There seems to have been some mutual domestic violence between you and your husband, and your male friend has six with folks to whom he is not married.
I suspect that before you enter another relationship, that you explore with a counselor, the domestic violence and anger in your past. I would also ask that you consider closely whether you want to be involved with someone who has sex with people to whom he is not married.
You didn't ask for that last couple paragraphs, but I thought they might be worthwhile.
Please let me know if I haven't adequately addressed your questions.
