Expert: John Fields - 1/21/2010

Question
My first husband and I both committed adultery and divorced. We have both since remarried. I repented of my sin of adultery and even got forgiveness from my first husband. My second husband and I have a child together. He was converted and we are faithful Christians.

My question is, were both my ex-husband and I free to remarry or are we both living in sin?

Thank you for your thoughts,

Lisa


Answer
The short answer to your question is neither you nor your ex husband were free to re-marry but ALSO that neither of you is currently "living in sin."

There are many things that could be said on this. I'll try to keep it to the most concise answer possible. Keep in mind that scholars have been debating this for centuries. I do not have all the answers on this. But I believe that you can be shown enough so that you can have peace.

It's heart breaking when we do not follow what God says. His perfect plan is one man and one woman for life, come what may. But God, knowing our propensity for sin, is yet able to help us when we make a mess of things.

The example that God Himself gave us was one of long-suffering. The prophet Hosea entered into a marriage with a prostitute named Gomer to demonstrate what God was enduring with Israel. God and Israel were in covenant. He represented this covenant figuratively by referring to Israel as His bride. This is why you will find many cases of Israel being referred to as "playing the harlot" when the people of Israel went after false gods. Any time that they went after these He punished them in severe ways. Each time they repented and came back, He took them back. Again, and again, and again God took back adulterous Israel. Only when she refused to come back was He said to divorce her. Compare this long-suffering and forgiving attitude of God with what many use as the justification for getting out of marriage without attempting one shred of forgiveness or reconciliation with their spouse. While His situation only involved one guilty party, I feel confident that while yours had contained two that He would have wanted you two to reconcile and repent toward each other.

Where are you left since you did not do so? Because you and your new husband are Christians, you are forgiven. The only time a person can be living in sin where adultery is concerned is if one, who is still married, habitually goes out and sleeps with others they are not married to or moves in with one of these while continuing to sin sexually.

When Jesus was talking to a group of men who were trying to trap Him he was referring back to the Old Testament Law of Moses. There were two groups of disciples who were vying for supremacy on the issue of divorce. Jesus’ answer pleased both sides when he said this:

Matthew 19:3-9 (3) Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" 4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" 8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Jesus would have caused a riot that day had they understood Him to be saying that anyone who was IN a new marriage was already IN a state of adultery, of living in sin. Many erroneously teach that being in a marriage that God did not want to happen constitutes an ongoing adulterous state, a “living in adultery.” Their reasoning is that since sex is assumed within the marriage that each time the marriage bed is shared adultery happens. They explain that this happens because God never recognized the divorce from the first and He never recognizes the re-marriage to the second. Therefore, according to their reasoning, a perpetual state of adultery occurs. However, this is not biblical.

The certificate of divorce under Moses assumed the right of remarriage. Jesus was speaking to that Old Testament law when he was addressing their trap for Him (they were trying to accuse Him so they could bring charges or alienate those who would disagree with Him). Here is the passage that included that law:

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (1) If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.

These women were being divorced for many kinds of reasons and were going and becoming other men's wives. The certificate allowed them to do so. They were given this certificate so that they would not go and become another man’s wife and then the first husband come back and claim she was still his. If this happened, both she and the man married to her could be punished and killed for adultery. This law specifically prohibited the man who divorced his wife to take her back if the second husband died or if he divorced her as well. It was there so hard-hearted men could not victimize their wives.

There is NO DOUBT that these women were lawfully married in Moses’ times. This means that since they were under that same law in Jesus’ time that they were STILL in lawful marriages. So why was there a problem? Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery.” Does adultery occur with the re-marriage? Jesus said there was. So looking at the nature of this sin, is it a final one-time breaking of the marriage vow made before God and one’s spouse or a continued adultery caused by the shared re-marriage bed because one is really still married to the first spouse? I favor the first view. Jesus commanded that men “not separate what God has joined together.” Would Jesus command us to not do something that could NOT be done? When a man and woman are joined in marriage in what ways are they joined? They form promises to God and each other, a sexual one-flesh bond, and a legal arrangement with the state. It would also seem that one should include Paul’s teaching on the matter.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (10) But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11 (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

This seems to say that for those without the grounds Jesus spoke of that they should remain unmarried or be reconciled if they divorce.

So what happens when a couple divorces? The promises to God and one another are broken, the legal arrangement with the state is dissolved, and the one flesh relationship is severed. At this juncture, the divorced couple is told they should forgive one another and be reconciled or stay unmarried. What happens when either of them disregards this and marries anyway? The final act of marital unfaithfulness has occurred. A NEW set of promises of marital faithfulness has been made which completely disregard and destroy the other vows. People who refused to honor the previous covenant have created a new one. This is a travesty, yet, not unforgivable. Though it’s an adulterous act, it doesn’t create an adulterous marriage. The marriage may have begun by adultery, but it does not continue in it. If all four of these aspects and bonds of marriage have been broken, there is nothing left for anyone to say that they are still married or joined in God’s sight. The old marriage has been sinfully and illegitimately replaced with a new one. But the new one IS a marriage. Though dishonorably begun, if repentance occurs, it can continue in honor.

Jesus says do not separate, men say you cannot separate. I know who is right on this, Jesus is. Jesus says the act of marrying again after divorcing is in itself an act of adultery. Men say that sex in this second marriage is assumed and that the marriage itself is not the act of adultery but the sex is (each time it occurs). I will listen to what Jesus says.

Also consider the illogic. Here is one example: A man cheats on his wife multiple times and she, after trying really hard to take him back, decides she has had enough and can no longer remain married to him. She divorces him and goes and becomes the wife of another man. The formerly guilty ex-husband goes ahead and marries again. He repents and never repeats with his second wife what he did to wrong the first. Many traditionalists will say the innocent first wife is no longer bound to the guilty ex-husband, yet, the guilty ex-husband is guilty of adultery because he is still bound somehow to his innocent former wife, though they are divorced and each is remarried. This is foolish in the extreme and makes NO sense. How can one be bound to the other and yet the other is not bound at all? It is illogical.

Furthermore, if a man and woman has sex and neither of them is married, the sin is fornication, not adultery. If a man who is married has sex with a woman not his wife, he is guilty of adultery. To adulterate something means to add to something. He has ADDED to his marriage a woman who does not belong; therefore he commits adultery against his wife. According to many, when a man and wife divorce, and fornication is not involved by either, they are supposedly still married in God’s eyes. Considering the obligation to reconcile in 1 Corinthians 7:10, this would be true in that sense. However, let’s look at the applications men come up with. Of the people who believe the couple is still married in God’s eyes, I have never met any who think the man and woman who divorced each other could move back in under the same roof without marrying each other again. Why not? If they are still married in God’s eyes, why bother? Why don’t we go out here and tell these people who are having trouble with the government getting their benefits because they are married and making too much money, just to get a divorce and continue cohabitating so they can get the money? By the way, if they ARE sinning by doing this, what sexual sin are they guilty of? If they are guilty of fornication (and they are), that is proof that they are NOT married, in God’s eyes or anyone else’s.

Also, look at the damage this irrational construct does to God’s word. Jesus said whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery (except for fornication). One of the fixes I used to hear growing up for this so-called “adulterous” marriage, was for the two to live together under one roof, but to never have sex anymore, since the sex constitutes adultery. But Jesus said whoever marries another commits adultery. Which is it? Is the sex assumed? I cannot find that without jumping to conclusions and traveling without authority. If you go by the letter of the Law, Jesus actually said the act of marrying again is adultery. I’ll stop where Jesus does. The adultery committed by the one who divorces his wife and who marries another is a one-time offense that permanently prevents the possibility of them getting back together, hence the final destruction of the covenant.

Consider the following example, if sex is assumed in order for the adultery to be present: A Vietnam Vet had been gravely wounded and no longer had the ability nor the inclination to perform sexually. What if he divorced his wife who stood by him despite his tragedy and went and married another woman? According to many, since sex would not be involved, it would not be adultery. Jesus said, if they marry another they commit adultery, man says if they marry another they do not necessarily commit adultery UNLESS they share the marriage bed.

I hear people talk about a divorced and re-married man or woman having a living husband or wife. WRONG. A remarried person who is divorced from their first spouse has a living EX spouse.

Finally, if the existing second marriage was not adulterous in Old Testament times, does that mean that God would treat it like adultery in one time and not in the other? So today it is adulterous when it happens, but then it was not? Wouldn’t that mean God, who went to so much trouble to save man by allowing His Son to die on the cross, arbitrarily made it HARDER for men to be saved under the New Dispensation than the Old one? So it is easier to receive grace under the Old Law then the New Law? That is an impossible pill to swallow. If God could reach us then because the cross was yet to come, why could He not also deal with it now that the cross has come? As Jesus would say, “GO your way and sin no more.” As Christians, that is exactly what you are doing. I hope this helps.