Expert: Joe Norman - 1/9/2010

Question
A young christian man in the church of Christ, married a god believing baptist woman.  After a few short years of marriage, she has decided that she doesn't love him anymore and wants out of the marriage.  He has asked her to go with him to counseling, but she will not even consider it.  He is heartbroken.  He has lost his wife and best friend. As far as it is known at this time, adultery may not be in the picture.  He has no way of knowing that for sure.  My question is, can he remarry if they divorce?  I can't say she is a non-believer, because she does believe but not a member of the church of Christ. This young man is tormented now.  He doesn't want a divorce, he still loves his wife deeply.  This all came as a surprise to him and his family.  He hasn't done anything to damage the marriage.  

Answer
Hi Dee,

Thank you so much for asking me your question. I will do my best to provide you with the most biblical answer I can. As I am sure you are aware, it isn't important what my opinion or any human opinion is; the only thing that matters is what is God's view. I am here to help you determine that, but it is up to you to study what is presented and determine what is true.

First off let me say that although your friend's wife is a "believer", she is NOT a Christian. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but this is a fact. Yet, I will also tell you even if they were both members of the Lord's church, she is wrong to want and get a divorce from him and he is free to marry someone new. We have not one example in the New Testament of anyone being told they can never have a marriage again for any reason. We see nowhere in the New Testament anyone being told their current marriage is an "adulterous marriage"...this term is not anywhere in the Bible. We never see anyone being interrogated regarding their marital status prior to baptizing them either. What do we see in the New Testament?

Well most in the churches of Christ will focus almost completely on Matthew 19. They may also mention Matthew 5. They generally focus on the words of Jesus though when teaching or answering questions on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage for Christians. Yet, they are making a similar mistake to that of the Faith Only doctrine. They focus almost completely on one verse and try to manipulate all other verses to fit their pre-conceived ideas about that one verse.

One thing they ignore is that Jesus was being questioned by Pharisees on the Law of Moses in Matthew 19. Jesus lived under this law and kept it perfectly while living a human life on earth. The context IS the Law of Moses. Jesus was not speaking to Christians in that passage and was not giving new commands. So where do we need to go to learn what is said to Christians regarding Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?

The chapter that covers this the most thoroughly for Christians is I Corinthians chapter Seven. First, notice what Paul says in verses 7-9.

1 Cor.7:7-9
7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Paul only encouraged celibacy because the church at that time was under persecution. But he realized that few had the gift he had to endure such a life without committing fornication. In verse 8, he mentions the "unmarried" and the widows. It is clear to me "unmarried" doesn't refer to virgins because he specifies virgins as virgins in this chapter. So who is "unmarried"? It can refer to those who have never been married but are not virgins. But it also can and does refer to divorced. I am convinced he meant those who are divorced. He clearly says if they cannot control themselves let them marry. It is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Verses 10 and 11 are misunderstood as well by many. So let's look at it together.

1 Cor.7:10, 11
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to leave his wife.

This passage is not about divorce but about separation. One thing that convinces me I am right about this is the word "reconciled" in verse 11. If a couple is divorced, they cannot reconcile. It is only possible to reconcile with someone to whom you are married. If divorced, the couple MUST get married once more. That is much different than reconciling.

Last I leave you with this thought. Forbidding to marry is included by Paul as a "doctrine of demons" in I Timothy 4:1-3. Divorce always ends a marriage and nothing supports the forbidding of marriage from anyone. Yet Christians must strive their best to make marriage be for life. He was not able to stay married to his Baptist wife. So if he ever chooses to marry a woman in the future, my hope is it will be a Christian woman and the second marriage will be for life and a very happy one. I pray God's blessings upon him and all those he loves. I pray blessings on you as well. If you have any follow-up questions, I am more than happy to answer them. If you have new questions in the future, I will do my best to respond quickly and thoroughly. To God be the glory.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman