Expert: Joe Norman - 11/15/2010

Question
Hi, My name is Raymond, and I am 61 years old.  I converted to Christianity 3 years ago and have never looked back.  I was not raised in a church or even attended church until 3 years ago. I have been married and divorced 3 times before becoming a christian.  I know I failed at marriage due to not have sound christian beliefs to live by.  I have meet a woman in the church and we have been instructed by the elders that we are never to marry.  We love each other very much, but are concerned we could lose our salvation, if we were to marry.  We don't fornicate or live together, but we want always to glorify God.  I don't understand how my sins are forgiven yet I carry this burden of adultery with me as a permanent scarlet A on my forehead.  I wish I could have a hearing with the father to get his view, but I can't.  I feel like a second class citizen in the church at times as I see married couples with there arms around each other and the affection that is coupled with marriage.  I do burn with desire but I hold it in check.  We are careful not to be a stumbling block to others by any public display of affection or even the touch of each others hands in public.  I love this woman and would like to marry her but all seems lost. I think it would be much easier to die for Christ than to live for him in this way.  Please comment and give me your thoughts.  I feel so hopeless in this life.  I can only pray that our Lord comes quickly.  

Answer
Hi Raymond,

To be honest your story was very heartbreaking to read. Sadly the majority of people within the Lord's church have been taught incorrectly regarding divorce and remarriage that it is very difficult to convince them their understanding of this topic is flawed. It is even more impossible to convince ministers, elders, and deacons that it is even possible they are incorrect on this as well. As much knowledge as I have of God's Word and especially of the topic of divorce and remarriage, I would most likely not be able to convince an elder, deacon, or minister they are incorrect about their understanding of divorce and remarriage. Their minds are made up for the most part. Also, with Elders we are to submit to them as shepherds of the church.

But the reality is all your sins were forgiven when you became a Christian. You should not carry any burden or punishment the rest of your life for sins that have been forgiven. God doesn't work that way under the New Covenant. Now there are always consequences for sins committed but not punishments. Many in the church confuse consequences and punishments. They will tell you your having to remain celibate the rest of your life is a consequence of the sin of adultery that continues even after you have been forgiven. But they are misunderstanding what a consequence is because consequences are not enforced by the church and not required by God.

For instance, a consequence of murder is you might be put in prison for life or even put to death by the laws of the land. But if you repent of murder, God forgives you and there are no punishments applied by God or the church. A consequence of adultery might be your spouse divorces you and your family might be torn apart for good. But requiring a life of celibacy is NOT a consequence of adultery. There is nothing in God's Word that teaches such either.

The idea the guilty person must live celibate the rest of their life comes from major assumptions made when they read what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage and what Paul said in Romans 7:2,3 as well as what Paul said in I Cor.7:10,11. There are many problems with their assumptions. When you carefully study the words of Jesus on divorce and remarriage it is very clear He was not giving guidance to Christians but rather correcting the Pharisees teachings of divorce and remarriage based upon Deut.24:1-3.

Most within the Lord's church focus on Matthew 19:9. They ignore the proper context. I find similarities in their approach to divorce and remarriage and those who believe in faith only. They focus primarily on one verse or passage and ignore passages which conflict with their understanding of that verse or passage. The problem with their application of Romans 7:2,3 is divorce is never mentioned and the purpose of that passage was not to teach about divorce and remarriage but rather to help us understand what it means to become a Chirstian. Paul is using just one aspect of marriage to explain that those who were once bound to the Law of Moses are now free to be joined to the New Covenant because the Old Covenant is dead.

The problem with their understanding of I Cor.7:10,11 is they assume it is speaking of divorce when it is actually about separation or abandonment. When Paul wrote this, only men were able to divorce. Also, if a couple is divorced, there is no way to simply "reconcile" with that spouse. You can only marry that person all over again. Why? Because divorce always ends a marriage. There is no evidence that some divorces are not recognized by God as ending a marriage; even when the reason is sindul or selfish or petty.

It is important for us to realize there are no instructions on how to perform a "Christian" marriage or how to get a "Christian" divorce. God leaves that to the laws of the countries we live in. Now having said that, obviously some things like incestuous or homosexual marriages would not ever be recognized by God as real marriages even if the law of the land chooses to recognize them as real marriages. Sadly we are beginning to see states permitting same sex marriages. But there isn't any indication a person who commits adultery under the New Covenant is no longer permitted to have a marriage or if he does marry, his marriage is considered by God to be an "adulterous marriage". I don't believe it is even possible to have an "adulterous marriage".

I read a book by a very highly respected Bible Scholar a while back. The book is called "Divorce and Remarriage In The Early Church" by Pat Harrell. He was well respected even outside the Lord's church as a great Bible scholar. He was also a minister in the church of Christ. In the book, he investigated historical records of the first 400 years AD and found that no one was told they had an adulterous marriage in that first 400 years after the church was established. No one was instructed they must divorce their current spouse and either return to their original spouse or live a life of celibacy to be right with God. He didn't find that anyone was interrogated about their current marriage and marital history prior to being permitted to be water baptized either. Also, we see no example of any such thing occurring within the New Testament.

Think on this too. Many men had divorced for reasons other than fornication in Israel. Most of the Pharisees taught a man could divorce his wife for any reason. So on the day of Pentecost when over 3000 souls were saved (i.e. water baptized), none were told they had adulterous marriages and must divorce and live celibate to be right with God and permitted to become Christians. I would think the percentage of men who were in their second or third marriage when they became Christians was fairly high.

So, this is my advice to you. I believe you and the woman you love are free to marry each other and would not be living a sinful life if you marry and remain true to each other the rest of your lives. BUT, sadly you will have problems if you remain where you are and continue to worship with that congregation. It is a sad reality. If I were you, I would marry her and then move somewhere where nobody knows either of you. Join a congregation and if they inquire of your past just tell them according to God's Word you are free to be married to your new wife without sin. They do not need to know any details and you would not be lying because the truth is you will not be living in adultery if you marry her and are faithful to her.

I wish there was a better solution but I can't think of one. You do not need to feel trapped in a hell on earth and forced to live celibate the rest of your life. You don't need to feel hopeless in this life. God forgave you of your failed marriages and all past sins. Don't let anyone try to impose punishments on you for sins of which you have been forgiven.

If there are specific passages of God's Word you would like me to help you understand better, please let me know. If you have follow up questions or new questions, I am happy to assist you as best I can. I didn't get very specific in explaining any one passage but am happy to do so if you would like. I am praying for you both and hope that you will eventually marry and live happily together the rest of your lives knowing God has blessed your union.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman