Expert: Joe Norman - 3/18/2010

Question
Hi Joe,
I am a member of a "traditional" Church of Christ in a very small town. I have been having marital problems for the past 2 years. My husband took it upon himself to call my preacher and discuss the matter with him (which did not make me feel confortable at all.) I think his main reasons for doing this was to guilt me into staying or try and embarrass me. My husband isn't a member of the Church of Christ. He has stayed out all night in the past, he restrains me and puts his hands on me in a manner that I am not confortable with. He watches pornography, drinks alcohol, curses in front of our children, and verbally abuses me both in public and private, and on two different occassions I've found text messages in his phone from two different women. Things have gotten so bad that I have developed an anxiety disorder and I'm having problems focusing on everyday tasks. My preacher has told me that God would want us to work things out and that divorce shouldn't be an option unless I have proof that he is being unfaithful to me. He also suggested that if I try to leave my husband I will face serious consequences because we must pay the price for the sins that we commit. I supsect that my husband is cheating, but he is very secretive and I don't have any proof. We are on a limited income (I am a stay at home mom and he got fired from his job for losing his temper with his boss), so hiring a private investigator or a lawyer is simply not an option. I don't want to remain in a negative environment for the rest of my life and risk damage being done to my children, but I also don't want to go to hell or make God angry. What would you suggest in this situation? Is my preacher correct in what he's saying or do you think it would be best for me to get out of this relationship? Thanks for your help.

Answer
hi Karen,

I must tell you that your story broke my heart. It seems to me you have enough proof that he is being unfaithful to you already. He is being unfaithful to you sexually as well as in his mind, heart, and soul. He is lusting after other women in his heart when he views porn. He restrains you and puts his hands on you in a manner you are not comfortable with so he is not treating you as he should. He also verbally abuses you. These are ALL breaking his marriage vows and what is clearly unfaithfulness to you and the marriage covenant.

God always wants us to work out our problems in marriage and divorce should ALWAYS be a last resort. But it seems pretty clear, based on what you shared with me, that he does not have any desire to be the kind of husband and father he should be. The preacher was correct in telling you God wants you to work out your problems, but he is incorrect in telling you divorce shouldn't be an option unless you have proof he is being unfaithful to you. You have more than enough proof. I am not sure what "serious consequences" the preacher was talking about if you chose to leave your husband. But I suspect he would encourage the local church to disfellowship you. It is sad that so many in the Lord's church are taught incorrectly on divorce and remarriage and that many make divorce for reasons other than physical adultery and unforgivable sin. The only sin that is not forgivable according to God's Word is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

You have the responsibility to protect yourself as well as your children from this man. He is already damaging them and things will only get worse from what I can tell. Don't worry about making God angry with you or that you might go to hell if you leave and divorce your husband. God knows your husband is being unfaithful to you both by having sex with women not his wife and by his poor treatment of you. He is also damaging the children by his sinful behavior with getting drunk, losing his temper, cursing, verbally abusing you, etc. We know from the New Testament that a husband is to love his wife as himself. You become one flesh when you get married. A normal person will do nothing intentional to hurt himself or herself. So neither should a normal person do anything intentional to hurt his wife or her husband.

Paul said husbands should love their wives as Christ Jesus loved the church and laid down His life for the church. A husband should be willing to die for his wife. Any husband who truly loves his wife with the deep love Christ has for the church will be a husband any wife would have no trouble submitting to and honoring and respecting. Yet, when a husband is harmful to his wife and children, he is no longer fit to be a husband or father. I strongly recommend you get out of this situation as fast as you can. I never wish to encourage divorce, but your situation is one which requires you to divorce him.

It may be necessary for you to relocate yourself and your children to a larger city. I recommend you find a church of Christ where no one knows you. Do not hesitate to tell anyone who asks, that your divorce is scriptural because it will be scriptural. Then find a good Christian man to marry and make that marriage last for the rest of your lives. Divorce is not something anyone should do for just any little reason, but it is not unforgivable and there is no such thing as an "adulterous marriage". Divorce always ends a marriage. In 1 Cor.7:28,29 Paul says if a person is loosed from a wife, not to seek to be bound. He also says if he is bound to a wife, do not seek to be loosed. Then he says if one loosed chooses to marry, that person does not sin. A person loosed is a person who was once bound. Clearly it could be someone who is widowed or who is divorced. BOTH are possibilities and Paul never restricts it to only widowed. He ends by adding that if a virgin chooses to marry, the virgin doesn't sin. Clearly indicating a difference between one who is loosed and a virgin.

You have plenty of proof that your husband is seriously unfaithful to you and the marriage covenant. He is also not being a proper father figure to the children. You must get out of this terrible situation and do so immediately. I pray God will watch over you and your children and protect you. If you have more questions, please feel free to send me follow up questions. Or if you have new questions on other topics, please send them to me as well. I recommend you read my most recent posts here on divorce and remarriage where I explain scripture on divorce and remarriage in more detail.

God bless you and your children.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman