Expert: Joe Norman - 4/6/2010

Question
Dear Bro Joe Dorman,

I have found this site to be quite interesting and above all, I’ve got to it at the right time.

I have a friend, a sister who confides in me concerning her personal issues and in particular her marital life.

I have a story to tell before the questions.
*Identity but not real names: Rejoice (my friend) and John (the man, Rejoice’ husband)

Rejoice was born and brought up in a Christian home, as she grew up, got influenced by peers, decided to keep a boy friend who was not even a member of the Church of Christ. In the process she got pregnant and was delivered of a baby girl. Her parents being faithful Christians refused the continuation of the relationship even after the erring man apologized and sought to marry her. After some years Rejoice decided to leave her small village to the City, there she could not hold herself and wait upon the Lord for her spouse to come in due time. She had an affair with John and in the process, got pregnant. They both contemplated abortion to be a solution since she had faced challenge in coping with premarital pregnancy before. This John was not a Christian but she converted him as it was the sole reason for her to accept him in marriage. John got baptized, went to see her parents and they started living together, they informed the Church that they are married and the Church prayed for them. Years after, no child was forthcoming, John became worried as he is aging. Rejoice also became worried and they undergo several medical examinations, one of which indicated that her womb was damaged as a result of the abortion but that there is still hope. In the mean time, John’s job is not that paying for him to make a proper celebration of their marriage (as is the custom of our people). Now Rejoice is getting worried that she has not been properly married.

For Rejoice, it is no longer blissful as they’ve not got a child, her own daughter cannot visit her on holidays, and every minor mistake which could ordinarily be overlooked, would always be capitalized on by John just because he needs a child desperately – saying that Rejoice has got her own child but he has not.

Rejoice got a job in a private office, with the motivation of her boss, she taught of furthering her education, purchased a part-time programme form in one of the nearest tertiary institutions and was offered admission, but John would not allow her to attend stating that she needs more time to take care of herself and have enough rest so that she could possibly conceive.

Rejoice loves her boss and her boss loves her as they care much about each other, spend more time together, confide in each other and … that’s all I know.

Her office became more comfortable to her as her boss began to take up all her financial needs. She uncovers everything that happens at home to her boss and receives advice from him. In fact, “she hears him”.

Her boss also does the same by telling her about his wife, her deeds and her misdeeds and they at this point know everything about each other. Her boss begins to see reasons not to love her wife again and also take up little issues seriously. He contemplated divorcing her wife on the ground that she usurps authority over him. As things unfolded itself, her boss’ wife began to investigate them privately and laying ambush, even accused Rejoice of having affair with her husband (Rejoice’ boss). She went as far as making reports to the Police and the Church but all efforts she made was futile as she had no tangible evidence, save verbal. Finally, Rejoice’ boss took up for divorce proceedings in Court which will soon dissolve the marriage.

Back to Rejoice and her husband – she says: (1) she no longer have love for her husband (2) John has not publicly married her by mounting a ceremony (3) He has not given her a wedding ring (because even though she happens to conceive, it will be as if she is carrying unwanted pregnancy), and more flimsy reasons.

She has gone to the Church to demand a letter of disfellowship if they object to divorcing with her reasons first stated above. Her father says he has given her out for marriage but her mother says she has not – everyone has their own opinion.

Her boss, the principal person who knows every bit of the man’s (John) weakness has already condemned him that he is not good enough to marry Rejoice and certifies a second man who is in love with Rejoice to forge ahead. As Rejoice’ boss is working out his divorce and remarriage plan, Rejoice is also trying to get herself out of John and the Church, yet remain justified.

Question:
Is it true that John has not married her properly? If yes, what are the things that embody marriage?
Whenever John gets angry and talk about divorce, should she cease the opportunity?
Should sister Rejoice divorce her husband as she no longer loves him enough to live with him?
If her boss openly indicates interest in her for marriage, should she accept? (Her boss is not a member of the Lord’s church but practices Christianity)

Please just help with all information that would be necessary for this situation, I’ll make sure she get them in details so that she can get herself out of this mess as I urge you to help pray for her because she may decide not to listen to me as she is far older than me and the only person who she tends to hear from is her boss.

Cornelia

Answer
Hi Cornelia,

I thank you for asking me your questions. First, from what you shared with me, it is true that John has not married her properly. There was no legal marriage ceremony or certificate. What makes a marriage official in Christianity? It is getting married based on the law of the land you live within. There MUST be something recognized in your country's government to be an official marriage in order to make it a marriage. It seems to me, they are just living together or "shacking up". If there has been no legal marriage, how can there be a legal divorce?

The whole situation is a mess. I don't think she should remain with "John" because they are currently living in sin because they were never really married. I don't think she should get involved with her boss either, but my opinion is probably not going to matter to her. The boss seems to be behaving inappropriately with her already. He is in a position of authority in the work place and has been "taking up her financial needs" as you said. I am not exactly sure what you mean by that, but it seems to be trying to gain her affection by taking up her financial needs. Also, if a person is not a member of the Lord's church, how can that person truly practice Christianity?

Sadly, I don't know that she will listen to me or you or anyone. We all are responsible for our own lives and we all make mistakes. She can choose to live in a manner pleasing to God or she can choose not to live for God. Her soul is in jeopardy. She can't go back and fix all her past mistakes. But she CAN choose to change the course she is currently on. There isn't anything in the New Testament to tell us how to perform an official "Christian" marriage ceremony. There is also no instruction as to how to obtain an official "Christian" divorce. The reason is because Christianity is able to spread into every nation on earth and so whatever makes a marriage official in any country will be what makes Christians in that country married. The only time this is not true is if a marriage is done between same sex because marriage in God's design is ONLY between a man and a woman. I am sorry for not providing scripture, but I can not think of any passage which would cover the situation you presented to me.

In Christ, Joe Norman