Expert: Joe Norman - 5/24/2010

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I are members of the COC.  We have his, mine and ours family.  We were both married before and left for Biblical reasons.  However, we both committed fornication before the divorces were final.  In my heart of hearts, I felt that once I told my ex that I was leaving that I was technically unbound...I had no complete understanding of the scripture.  Now, as I have matured in the faith I question it daily and will divorce my current husband if I must...I just want to be sure.  He and I are active members and are striving to do our best.  If I am doomed to hell, I will still continue to go and take my children so they have a chance.  It isn't that I love my husband more than God, because I would leave if I must, but I am afraid if I put the three of them through another divorce BECAUSE of my belief that they will turn away from God and become unfaithful one day.  I feel I may need to sacrifice my soul so three others will make it.  Please help me, I pray daily for answers and I continually receive a loving husband who guides us to church and faithfully and lovingly takes care of us.  I continually beg for forgiveness for my fornication but I continually feel no peace, especially when it is the topic of our lesson that Sunday.  Am I to leave my husband of nine years to be right with God?

ANSWER: Hi Jennifer,

I am saddened by the damage caused by what is traditionally taught on divorce and remarriage in the Lord's church. It is not biblically accurate at all. First of all, it is important to know that God is not pleased by any divorce; even if it is for biblical reasons. Did you sin by the fornication? Yes you did. Would it have been a sin even if after the divorce was final? Yes. Fornication is sin. Sex outside of a marital relationship is always sin. Is the sin you both committed forgivable or forgiven? Yes to both. You both repented of the sin.

What I KNOW is that divorcing your current husband would not please God. Two wrongs never make a right. You are trying to unscramble an egg so to speak. What God wants is for you to remain faithful to your current husband and for him to remain faithful to you. So many in the Lord's church have trouble forgiving themselves of certain sins. It is in the past and leave it in the past. Live for today and focus on being faithful to God, His church, and your family. Live in a way that will show God you love Him. Divorcing your husband will not do that.

I have many posts explaining scripture on divorce and remarriage and recommend you read my most recent answers. Divorce always ends a marriage and contrary to what is traditionally taught, there is no such thing as an "adulterous marriage". I apologize for not providing scripture here. My time is limited. If you need help understanding a specific passage, I will be more than happy to assist you.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Joe for such a quick response, I was thinking I was considered a "guilty party" for the fornication BEFORE divorce and therefore not eligible for marriage.  I saw this post to someone else from another expert on the forum.

In your case, you were not legally divorced according to the law of the land (Romans 7:1-4) before you committed fornication, therefore you also are guilty of adultery and were not a candidate for scriptural divorce according to scripture.  Any "marriage" on your part to anyone other than your original husband would be considered ongoing adultery according to Matt. 19:9 and other passages.

No doubt this information is going to make you feel REALLY terrible, but I want to close by relating a story concerning a woman I worship with now.  Her name is Connie.  Connie was married and had a son, got divorced for unscriptural reasons, married someone else, had another son, then was converted.  She studied her way through the whole marriage issue and realized her second marriage was wrong and divorced the second husband even though she loved him very much.  They are still friends, but she does not do anything husband/wife with him.  Her choice was for God and she is one of the strongest Christians I know.  She is also one of the most upbeat, fun people I know.  Her sons see her example, too, and are faithful because of it.  

This is what I had recently read and thought I needed to break the marriage of my second husband...Our current preacher loves this topic and feels people should divorce a second time if necessary. I have even heard of them making people divorce on their deathbeds to be sure.  How can they be so convinced if it is open to so much interpretation?  

In Christian Love,
Jennifer

Answer
Hi Jennifer,

If you asked every expert in the church of Christ category about your marital situation, I would bet the only ones who would say remain with your current husband are me and maybe two others. The traditional teaching is the most widely accepted but that doesn't mean it is true and accurate. I am confident after much study that my current understanding is biblically accurate and true. They are convinced they are right about the traditional teaching on divorce and remarriage because they see it as the best way to prevent divorce from being widely done among Christians. Yet, the traditional teaching hasn't reduced divorce at all. On the contrary, it has increased divorce because they tell many that they are living in an "adulterous marriage" and must divorce to be right with God.

I agree that God hates divorce, but I say He hates all divorce and two wrongs don't make a right. In reading what you shared from another expert here, I have a response to it. I hope it is helpful to you.

He wrote that you were not legally divorced according to the law of the land before you committed fornication and he referenced Romans 7:1-4. The first mistake he makes in using that passage is, it never once mentions divorce and what makes a divorce acceptable to God. Paul merely used it as an analogy to explain our spiritual marriage to Christ Jesus and that we became dead to the Old Law prior to our marriage to Christ and the New Law. The only point Paul is making is there was a necessity for any under the Old Law to die to it before they could be joined to the New Law. Some try to point to this to show how permanent marriage is, but this passage never mentions divorce or a legitimate cause for it. If we only used this passage we could convince people that there is no way to divorce period.

The next problem with what the other expert wrote is he points you to Matthew 19:9 which wasn't instruction for Christians. It was a record of Jesus correcting the Pharisees about Deuteronomy 24:1-4. Also, his statement about what that verse means is also inaccurate. Jesus never said any marriage to anyone other than the original spouse would be considered continuous adultery. In fact there isn't any passage which says any such thing. Just compare all the action words in the sentence. Whoever divorces (single act) his wife and marries another (single act), except for fornication, commits (single act) adultery. Many try to convince us that "commits" or "committeth" implies a continuous act. But such would violate proper sentence structure. Also, if that were what Jesus meant, I am convinced we would see examples of people being told they were in an "adulterous marriage" somewhere in the New Testament. Yet, no example is seen. Lastly, in regard to what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage, what was the sin? Was the sin the divorce for reasons other than fornication? I say yes. The new marriage may also be part of it, but I still say it is a one time sin and not continuous. It is forgivable too without need to divorce the current spouse. Repenting is turning from a sin and vowing never again to do it. If you divorced and married someone new for "sinful reasons", then you must remain faithful to your current spouse and do your best not to divorce and remarry someone new for sinful reasons again. If your sin was adultery, vow never to commit adultery again. If your marriage ended because of your adultery, then when you marry someone new, vow to remain faithful to the new spouse and try not to commit adultery. This is repentance. It looks forward and never backward.

What we do see are some interesting and important facts in I Corinthians chapter 7.In that chapter we see that one purpose for marriage is to reduce the temptation to fornicate (I Cor.7:1,2) and that each man his own wife and each woman should have her own husband. In verses 7-9 we see that Paul encourages celibacy for those who are either widowed or unmarried (which would obviously include those divorced). Next we see verses 10 and 11 which are twisted very much by those on the traditional side of MDR. They think this passage is speaking of divorce for reasons other than adultery. Unfortunately for them, the cause is never mentioned here. Also, they assume it is regarding divorce when I am convinced it is speaking of separation. Paul begins verse 10 by saying "To the Married..." which tells me right away this is about separation. He didn't start by saying "To those wanting to divorce". Also, if a couple does divorce, they can't reconcile. They can only get married again. The next important thing we see in this chapter is verses 26-28. Paul says if one is "loosed" from a wife, they shouldn't seek to be "bound" and if one is "bound" they shouldn't seek to be "loosed". But the most ignored part is what he says next. He says, but even if you do marry, you haven't sinned; and if a virgin marries, she hasn't sinned. Why so many ignore these verses, I have no clue. Paul never talks about legitimate reasons to divorce. No one does in the New Testament but Jesus. Yet, Jesus was being questioned by Pharisees on the Law of Moses.

I don't believe God's view of divorce has ever changed. I believe He always hates it and if some couple divorces for shallow reasons, it is a sin to do so. But the sin is forgivable and because of fornications, each man should have his own wife and each woman should have her own husband. Pat Harrell was a great scholar in the brotherhood. He did major research and wrote a book that I think was published in the 1950's or maybe 1960's. He tried to find evidence of the teachings and practices of the church in the first 400 yrs after Pentecost. He didn't find one shred of evidence of anyone being told they must divorce to make their lives right with God. He also never found evidence of anyone not being allowed to get baptized due to their marital status. Please remember, repentance doesn't look back, it looks forward. You can't unscramble an egg. Stay married and live for God. Be a good wife. God forgave you of your past sins.

The expert's friend Connie is truly a strong person and it is a good story other than the fact that she believes something that is not true. She has been taught incorrectly but accepts it as true. A good marriage and family was destroyed by the traditional and biblically wrong teaching on MDR. The man Connie divorced is probably going to really struggle with refraining from fornications. I do not envy him. The traditional teaching is very destructive and contrary to all we know of the love and mercy God gives Christians under the New Covenant. I will pray for you and your family and I hope my message is well received.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman