Expert: Joe Norman - 6/28/2010

Question
QUESTION: I was divorced in 2004. I was married to a man I was not in love with. I am the one who cheated on him after 6.5 years. We met at another ministry. I knew I wasn't in love with him at the time I married him. I also knew he wasn't the right one for me. I was at a time in my life where he sort of saved me from the mess I was in. My story is too long to post. Basically I wish I had never married him. I wasn't a member of church of christ then but I am now. At that time I didn't know or understand the topic of marriage and divorce like I do now.  I had my reasons at the time why I cheated. I know I was wrong and have repented and since been baptized into the Church or Christ. Since the divorce I have had a host of worthless relationships. This is before becoming a member of or even knowing about C.O.C.     to make a long story short (I'm trying). About four years ago I decided to stop living like I was and to find a church and get back right with God. I visited a few different denominations but did not agree with their teachings. I then met a wonderful man who was a member of the Church of Christ. After knowing him for several months he finally invited me to a bible study. We had many debates before on bible topics.  On this first encounter with C.O.C I knew I was in the right place. I started attending church services and bible study. After about six or seven months I made the decision to be baptized. I had been "baptiszd" before but didn't feel I was taught right, basically "saved before baptizm" anyway my question is;  Since I was the one who cheated and divorced my husband does that make me unable to re-marry?  My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married next year and have already spoke with our minister who already said he belived that we could get married. But, me with my low self esteem issues and guilt, fear and doubt still struggle with this question. I love my boyfriend very much and he loves me. I have 3 children only one frm my previous marriage. He has been a great role model to them and they have all since been baptized into christ as well. Brother Norman I have read your other posts regarding this subject and respect your opinion and knowledge on the subject. The main reason I write you is that I could not find a post that specifically answered the question in my situation. I am the one who cheated, am I allowed to re-marry?   Thank You very much for your time.

ANSWER: My dear sister Lisa,

I thank you for choosing me to ask your questions. From what you have shared with me, your situation is not complicated at all. You were not a Christian when you were in your first marriage and when you committed adultery. Also you were not a Christian when you were having sexual relationships unmarried and having children out of wedlock. You stated only one of your 3 children is from your previous marriage. So two were conceived out of wedlock. You met a man who is a Christian and eventually you were taught the truth and became a member of the Lord's church as well.

Let me ask you a simple question. Does baptism remove all past sins or only all but adultery? Now many who hold to what I call the "traditional" doctrine on divorce and remarriage will deny water baptism to those who are in what they see is an "adulterous marriage". They demand some to get a divorce and either return to their first spouse or vow to live celibate the rest of their lives. But I see no example of any such thing being done in the New Testament. Also, there was a great scholar in the Lord's church(Pat Harrell) who did extensive research into the first 400 years after the church was established (33AD). He found no evidence that anyone was ever denied baptism due to their marital status. He also found no evidence of anyone being told they were in an adulterous marriage and they must divorce and either return to the original spouse or live celibate. That study has never been proven to be false by anyone either.

I believe that Christ's blood forgives completely. I also know that repentance doesn't look backward, but only looks forward. What I mean is when you repent, you vow from that moment on, you will do you best not to commit that sin of which you are repenting. Also, I do not accept that it is even possible to have an "adulterous marriage". The two words are not compatible. Adultery is cheating on your spouse. If you are faithful to your current spouse, you are not guilty of perpetual adultery. Also, there is no evidence that sometimes divorce doesn't end a marriage in God's eyes. The idea of an "adulterous marriage" comes from believing that some divorces do not end a marriage. This is a huge assumption with nothing in God's Word to lead one to such a conclusion.

When Jesus spoke of divorce and remarriage, it is important to remember He was correcting the Pharisees on the Law of Moses. There were two main schools of teaching among the Jews in the time of Jesus. The school of Hillel, and the school of Shammai. Hillel taught that a Jewish man could get a divorce from his wife for any reason. His teaching was by far the most widely accepted. Shammai taught that the only legitimate cause for divorce is adultery. I contend that Jesus rejected both and clarified what Moses taught in Deut.24:1-3. Jesus didn't say adultery is the only cause for divorce that doesn't make divorce and remarriage an act of adultery. Jesus said if the cause for divorce is anything other than "fornication", then the divorce and remarriage results in adultery. Fornication is a much broader term than adultery. In Deut.24:1-3, Moses mentioned a cause as well. The Hebrew word is "Ervah" which is defined as "nakedness", "uncleanness", "unseemliness", "blemish", or "shame". It is anything that might cause shame or disgrace. I believe Jesus' use of "fornication" is equal to Moses' use of "ervah". If there is a severe breaking of a marriage vow, then divorce was permitted under the Law of Moses and didn't result in sin. Divorce was never something to be done for any and all reasons.

When we study Paul's teachings on divorce and remarriage, his most thorough coverage of it is found in I Cor.7. Paul doesn't seem concerned about how a person becomes "unmarried". In verses 1 and 2 he says because of fornications, let each man have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Then in verses 8 and 9 we see him tell those "unmarried" and "widowed" to remain as they are (but he only wants them to remain as they are because the church was being persecuted at that time) but if they lack self control it is better to marry than to burn with passion. It seems to me, if only a small few are "eligible" for remarriage, Paul would have specified that what he said in 8 and 9 only applies if you were divorced for fornication. But he doesn't seem concerned at all. Never once in the entire chapter does he mention what causes are legitimate for divorce. Also, there is nothing indicating that "unmarried" only refers to those never married. I would say there is actually evidence indicating that "unmarried" refers both to those divorced for any reason, and those never married but not virgins. Where is such evidence? Look at verses 27 and 28.

1 Cor.7:27,28
27 Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. 28 But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh: and I would spare you.

The evidence is in verse 28. He says if one who is "loosed" from a wife marries, he hasn't sinned; and if a VIRGIN marries she hasn't sinned. So "loosed" obviously refers to those who were once bound - which can be either those widowed or those divorced. Again, no concern for how a person became loosed is seen. Then he specifies if a virgin marries, she hasn't sinned. A virgin is separated from those "loosed". But Paul tells them all, if they choose to marry, they do not sin.

I don't believe anyone is ever ineligible for remarriage. I do believe marriage should be once and for life. But none of us are perfect. We should strive for the ideal. One man joined to one woman until death parts them is the ideal. No matter the cause for divorce, if you are remarried, stay married and faithful to that current spouse. Strive never again to be unfaithful or to divorce.

In your specific case, your sins were prior to becoming a Christian. When you were baptized you were spiritually born again. You died to your old self and were raised from the watery grave to live a new life in Christ Jesus. Do your best to live for Him. Study His Word and live by it. Marry your Christian boyfriend and live faithfully as his Christian wife. Raise your children and teach them God's word while being living examples to them. May God bless you both in your future marriage.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Could you explain the scripture "and whoever marrys a woman who is divorced also commits adultery " does my future husband need to repent after he marrys me?

Answer
The short answer is no but I will explain the passages to you. First, what we call the "exception clause" is only found in Matthew. It is not in the other gospels. But as I said before, Jesus was not giving new commands for Christians. In Matthew 19, Jesus was merely correcting Pharisees on their understanding of Deuteronomy 24:1-3. Now there are some important differences in Matthew 5 when you compare it to Mathew 19.

Matthew 5 is called The Sermon On The Mount. But this too is not Christian instruction. Look at the evidence.

Matt.5:17-19
17 Think not that I came to destroy the law or the prophets: I came not to destroy, but to fulfil. 18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass away from the law, till all things be accomplished. 19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

Now let's continue in chapter 5.

Matt.5:31, 32
31 It was said also, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery.

Verse 31 is what most Pharisees taught about divorce. They had no concern for the reason a Jewish man wanted a divorce. They taught he could divorce for any reason. Again, Jesus sought to correct error on Deuteronomy 24:1-3. Jesus says there is an acceptable cause under the Law of Moses. That is the cause of fornication. Adultery was not specified and fornication covers a broader range of reasons when you realize it can be literal and figurative. He was trying to say that if the cause was not fornication, the mere divorce of a wife makes her an adulteress. If the cause was fornication, then divorcing her didn't make her an adulteress. The man who marries her would commit adultery because the divorce wasn't justified under the Law of Moses.

The part you asked about was "and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery". My explanation is that this is Old Covenant. If we lived under the Old Covenant still, your future husband would have to repent after he marry's you. But we are not under the Law of Moses anymore. Also, nothing Jesus said was considering someone in your specific situation because water baptism is not even mentioned. Water baptism cleansed you completely of all sins up to that point. You are white as snow at the moment you are raised from the watery grave. Because of that fact, your future husband does not need to repent of anything because you are no longer guilty of any sin regarding your previous marriage. Marry this good Christian man and live the rest of your life as a Christian servant of God and submit to your husband as to the Lord.

May God Bless You and Your Future Husband,

Joe Norman