Expert: Joe Norman - 7/5/2010

Question
QUESTION: First let me begin by saying that I have been talking to a guy online for almost 7 months. I just found out this week that he is married and is a member of the Church of Christ. He told me that the reason that the two got married was to shut everyone up because of their age and she wanted to show her parents that she could marry him. Her family doesn't like him and puts him down every time they can. They have never lived under the same roof, he is disable and can't work but she doesn't support him with any money at. She does call and come by to check on him. So, he believes that he doesn't have a Biblical reason to divorce her and if he does divorce that if he marries me that we will be committing adultery the rest of our lives. He tells me that he loves and in his heart wants to be with me. So, does he have a biblical reason to divorce and if so can he remarry without it being adultery for the rest of our lives.

Thanks

ANSWER: Hi Charlotte,

I can only speak from what you have shared with me because I do not know the couple or anything beyond what you have shared. But it sounds to me like he is only married technically but has never joined with her as one flesh in that marriage so it really isn't a marriage at all. They have never lived under the same roof. I don't know whose choice it was to not live under the same roof and not join as one flesh in the marriage, but Paul makes it clear that the man should not withhold himself from his wife and she should not withhold herself from her husband except for a short time to focus on fasting and prayer, but it must be agreed upon together. He also says they should join again physically to avoid the temptation to fornicate. Paul says the husband belongs to the wife and the wife belongs to the husband. (I Cor.7:1-5#

Also, your guy who says he loves you is incorrect regarding your marriage causing you to commit adultery the rest of your lives. He is wrong for two reasons. The first reason is that he has never been sexually intimate with his current wife #at least that is my assumption after what you shared). So if he divorces her and married you, you will be the only woman he has been intimate with and therefore it could not possibly be adultery. But also, when Jesus said what He did in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19, he was speaking of the Law of Moses which we are no longer under. Please read my most recent answers on divorce and remarriage here to get a detailed study of these passages. It is beyond doubt that Jesus was not giving new law to Christians regarding divorce and remarriage.

The problem among Jews in the time of Jesus was that most Jewish men were divorcing their wives for any and all reasons. The reason was not a concern at all. Jesus was trying to correct their error. But also, when you look at the sentence where he says "whosoever divorces his wife, except for fornication, and marries another commits adultery" it is important to notice the verbs. The word "divorces" refers to a one time act. The same is true of "marries" so "commits" must also be a one time act. It is not continuous adultery, but a one time sin that can be forgiven. But again this was under the Law of Moses. Everyone assumes so much regarding what Jesus said. They assume when He said "commits adultery" that He means perpetual. They also assume Jesus was giving instruction to Christians which is easily seen to be false when one carefully notes who Jesus is speaking to and the proper context of the passage. People assume that Jesus is saying some are no longer eligible for remarriage ever again (at least not to someone other than the original spouse). Problem is, there is not one scripture anywhere in the Bible that says anyone is forbidden marriage. In fact the only passage in the New Testament that speaks of forbidding to marry is the following.

1 Tim.4:1-3
1 But the Spirit saith expressly, that in later times some shall fall away from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 through the hypocrisy of men that speak lies, branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron; 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by them that believe and know the truth.

Forbidding to marry is a doctrine of demons.

Too many in the church of Christ have been taught error on divorce and remarriage for so long, they just accept it as truth without any real investigation. A greatly respected scholar in the church of Christ did extensive research and wrote a book on his research. His name is Pat Harrell. He studied the first 400 years after the church was established. He could not find one instance in the first 400 yrs of Christianity that anyone was ever told they were living in an adulterous marriage and must divorce their current spouse and either live celibate the rest of their lives or return to the original spouse. He also found no evidence of anyone being forbid water baptism due to their marital status or even being questioned about their current marriage prior to water baptism.

Celibacy was only encouraged by Paul due to the current distress the church was under at the time he wrote to the church in Corinth. Read I Corinthians 7 carefully but focus on verses 27 and 28 where Paul says, "Are you bound to a wife? Don't seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Don't seek to be bound. But if you do marry, you have not sinned and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned."

Paul is not concerned one bit how a person became "loosed" but the fact is a person who is "loosed" was once bound. Which means Paul was speaking of those both divorced and those widowed. The bottom line is your guy has never actually married anyone yet because he has not become one flesh with his wife. Also, even if he had become one flesh with his wife, they are neither one living faithful to the marriage vows. It concerns me that he has been speaking to you online for 7 months and only now told you he was married.

But no sin is unforgivable other than the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. It is possible for him to divorce his current spouse and marry you and the new marriage will not be perpetual adultery. But it is important to commit to the new marriage and work to make it for life. I do not know beyond what you have shared so I prefer to just focus on helping others to better understand God's Word. We all have the responsibility to make our own choices based on our understanding of God's word and no one is perfect. I pray God's will is done in this situation but do not claim to know enough to guide you.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for you answer. He has been sexually intimate with his current spouse. Will that make a different? Also could this be considered desertion between two believers because she will not move to his house nor will he move to her house. When they got married, he was agreed that they would find a new house and live in it together but she will not leaver her current home because she likes it too much. Also, he told that he knew that when he was marrying her that is was wrong but went ahead anyway to make everyone leave him alone. He knows that was a stupid reason to get married. Once again thank you for you time.

Answer
It makes little difference. She is still being unfaithful to him by withholding herself from him sexually which is cause for divorce. She is also being unfaithful because she is not true to her vows to submit to her husband as to the Lord, etc. But he needs to repent of his sins. He needs to from this point on understand the importance of marriage and that no one should enter into one unless they are serious about committing to love each other the rest of their lives. Repentance does not look backward but only forward. It is making a vow to not repeat the sin of which one is repenting. In your guy's case, he needs to vow to only enter into a new marriage for the right reasons and to be the kind of Christian husband God expects him to be. He needs to fully commit to the new marriage and vow not to divorce again.

I meant to add another major assumption people make about what Jesus said in my last answer. Many people assume that when Jesus said, "except for fornication" He meant adultery. They believe and teach that the only biblical ground for divorce is adultery. But the word Jesus used was not the one translated as adultery. He used the word "porneia" which is always translated as fornication. This word has a broad range of meanings and can even be figurative. It is wrong to limit the word to adultery as so many have done.

In closing, there is not one example in the New Testament of anyone being told they are in an adulterous marriage and must divorce and live celibate or return to the original spouse. Also, such a thing is not part of repentance but I would call it penance or punishment. Many in the church want to punish people who divorce. They think God wants them to suffer the rest of their lives for their sin. Divorce though is not an unforgivable sin. I hope I have helped in some way.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman