Expert: Joe Norman - 8/7/2010

Question
I have been a member of the Church of Christ about 45 years or so, since I was 19. I was married to my first husband, who cheated on me after 4 years of marriage and I divorced him because of that.  I was then married to a member of the COC for about 25 years and it was a horrible marriage.  I met a man from my workplace, who had been in an awful marriage for about 35 years himself.  We ended up confiding in each other about how unloved we both felt all those years.  We were so drawn to each other that we both divorced and married each other.  I was withdrawn from my COC, and he was of the Assembly of God religion, but both of us quit going to worship any longer.  We have been married for 4 years now, and our marriage has been the most loving marriage a couple could have.  We love each other deeply, but I am torn between my love for him and my love for God.  I recently began reading my Bible again, and realized what a treasure I had given up as a Christian, and how much I missed being a Christian.  From my Bible study I also realized that we are living in adultery, and will lose our souls over this marriage.  Although I had always been aware of this truth - the result of an abusive 25 year marriage caused me to be angry at God, and selfishly persist in living my life the way I wanted.  I believe I chose to ignore God's word, but it was because I wanted to feel loved.  However, I love God and want to go to Heaven, and I want this man to go to Heaven as well; however, I believe we are living in the sin of adultery, and he believes we can be forgiven and continue in the relationship.  He also, believes my congregation is forcing this on me, which isn't true at all - I've told him that it is my own understanding of the scriptures that is guiding my decision to divorce him, and that I am the one who must give account of my soul.  Also, my husband is wandering if I divorce him, if that means he will have to remain unmarried like I am intending to do, because neither of us can return to our former spouses that are now married to someone else, nor do we really want to. Must we both remain unmarried to refrain from the sin of adultery?

Answer
Hi Susie,

I am heartbroken over the story you have shared with me. What saddens me most is that you are convinced you are living in adultery. First of all there is no way a married couple can live in adultery by remaining true to their current marriage. I have found nothing in the Bible to indicate such a thing is possible. This idea comes from many who misunderstand God's Word and take things out of context while inserting major assumptions.

If you are getting this idea from what Jesus said, let me help you to better understand what He actually said. In Matthew chapter 19 Jesus was being questioned and tested on the Law of Moses. Jesus was not giving new commands on divorce and remarriage to Christians. Jesus was merely trying to correct the teachings of the Pharisees regarding Deuteronomy 24:1-3.

The majority of Pharisees were teaching that a Jewish man could divorce his wife for any reason he wanted and marry someone new. The cause was not important. Jesus was trying to correct them. The Jewish man was not permitted to divorce his wife for any and every reason. When Jesus said Whosoever divorces his wife except for reason of fornication and marries another, he commits adultery, Jesus was saying the divorce and remarriage (both single acts# resulted in a single act of adultery. Why? Because adultery in essence means unfaithfulness. If a man divorces his wife to marry someone new and has no serious reason #a major breaking of the marriage vows by his wife) he shows unfaithfulness to her by divorcing for no valid reason to marry someone new.

Also, Jesus said "except for reason of fornication" and not "for reason of adultery" because fornication covers much more than just adultery. I am convinced "fornication" covers things like physical and verbal abuse among other major violations of the marriage covenant.

Now if you want to see what was written to Christians the most complete instructions we have are in I Corinthians chapter 7. Paul says to the unmarried and widows the following.

1 Cor.7:7-9
7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Unmarried covers both those who have never married and those divorced. Nothing indicates "unmarried" must be limited to just those never married. The ONLY reason Paul ever encourages celibacy is due to the current distress or persecution the church was experiencing at the time this letter was written to the church in Corinth.

Now many will point to verses 10 and 11 to try to prove that celibacy is required of any who divorce for no real reason. But the word divorce is not actually there although some less reliable translations insert the word. I am convinced those two verses are only speaking of separation and not divorce. One reason I believe this is that only the man was able to file for divorce at the time it was written. Also you can't reconcile to a husband that you have divorced. You can only remarry him. Paul said the woman who leaves her husband must remain unmarried or reconcile to her HUSBAND. She is still married to him because she left him but didn't get a divorce.

Now look at these verses.

1 Cor.7:26-28
26 I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

One who is "loosed" from a wife was once bound. Paul says if you marry you haven't sinned.

Although your current husband is Assembly of God (or was), he is correct in thinking you both can be forgiven and remain married to each other. Although I don't know that either of you have anything to be forgiven for beyond turning away from Him and the church. I believe your local church family was wrong to disfellowship you too. Your current marriage is legitimate and you are not living in adultery. God hates divorce and two wrongs don't make a right. I am convinced God does not wish you to divorce your current husband at all. Nor does God expect anyone to live celibate the rest of their lives unless they have the self-control to handle such a life and choose to so they can focus more on serving God.

If you have specific passages in the Bible you would like me to explain more thoroughly, please let me know. But you should not divorce your current husband and neither must remain unmarried to refrain from the sin of adultery. Stay married and faithful to each other. I do hope you can convert your husband to the Lord's church though. But the majority of the Lord's church has been taught incorrectly on divorce and remarriage for so long, that most blindly accept false teaching on it.

I am 4th generation in the Lord's church on both sides of my family. My dad was a preacher, his dad was an elder and preacher and his grandfather was a preacher as well. I served for a time as a deacon and have been a serious student of God's Word since I was 12 years old. I am almost 46 now. My understanding comes from deep study and I am very conservative in what I teach. Although many would view my beliefs on divorce and remarriage to be liberal, I think they are the most biblically accurate. Please let me know if you have followup questions or need help understanding a specific passage in God's Word.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman