Expert: Joe Norman - 8/18/2010

Question
I am member of church of christ. I was told by an elder and his wife to find a church but never come back their... My situation is very current %26 him looking for answers. 7 Months ago I've had an ongoing affair. I left my husband and took my children with me ( we were living with I'm). I came out to the world my secret. I couldn't hide anymore. My husband and I went to a love path seminar. but have remained separated. We were going to work things out %26 now he flip flopped. I'm getting divorce papers %26 he is fighting for custudy.Which I'm not to worried about because I am the childrens care giver. But now my family %26 I are worried that I am to remain unmarried the rest of my life. I of course am looking for a way that someday I can remarry. The man who I had an affair with is respecting me getting right with God. I tried to save my marriage but that didn't work. So yes in the future after i know I'm forgiven by God I do someday plan on marrying the man waiting for me.... I don't want us to be married and be living in adultery. I do not want us to risk our souls. I am looking for any help I biblically can get. Thank You!

Answer
Hi Desarae,

I am sorry to read about your story. I am also sorry an elder and his wife instructed you to find a church but never to return to theirs. Discipline within the church has always been something we struggle with regarding when to apply it and how to apply it. The purposes of withdrawing from a member from my understanding of God's Word were to help the unrepentant Christian to realize the error of his/her ways and repent - or if this person was causing turmoil and leading some astray, it was to help prevent that or stop the bad influence on weaker members.

Your situation was difficult. You knowingly had an ongoing affair. You left your husband and took your children with you while living with this other man who was not married to you. From what you shared though, you eventually were repentant and wanted to salvage your marriage and reconcile with your husband. But he flip-flopped and gave you divorce papers and is also fighting for custody of the kids.

Did you move out from the other man when you were trying to reconcile with your husband? That wasn't clear. It does sound like this other man is no longer living with you and is waiting for you to be free to marry him before you live together again and I am assuming the living together won't be until after there is a wedding.

Regarding being married and living in adultery, I am convinced such a thing is not possible. Divorce always ends a marriage even when done for wrong reasons. Let me list the sins you were guilty of so that you know what you need to repent of and how to repent.

You committed adultery with a man and you abandoned your husband. The divorce is being filed by your husband and he has every right to divorce you. You were unfaithful to him. You did try to reconcile and he is choosing not to reconcile. You repent of adultery by vowing to God that you will never again commit adultery against the man to whom you are married. You abandoned him too and that is a form of unfaithfulness to your husband. So you must vow never again to abandon your husband. That is repentance. Repentance never looks backward to the past. It is always looking forward. You are committing to God that you will make a major change from that moment on.

To read about abandonment, we turn to I Cor.7:10,11.

1 Cor.7:10, 11
10 But unto the married I give charge, yea not I, but the Lord, That the wife depart not from her husband 11 (but should she depart, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband); and that the husband leave not his wife.

Many in the church of Christ believe this passage to be about divorce when divorce is not ever mentioned. This is about abandonment. Paul clearly says the Christian wife is not to "depart" from her husband. But if she does leave him, she must remain "unmarried" or be reconciled to her husband. Now if she had divorced him and not just abandoned him, one...he would no longer be her husband...and two...reconciling would not be possible. She could remarry him, but not reconcile. So when Paul says she must remain "unmarried" it seems obvious to me, he is meaning as one unmarried because she is still bound to her husband since no divorce papers were given. Also at the time this was written to the church in Corinth, women were not able to divorce their husbands. Only men could divorce.

This passage above is the main one where people get the idea that anyone must live celibate after divorce, but divorce isn't discussed only assumed. Paul only encourages living celibate because it allows a person to be more focused on serving God. But it was also encouraged only because of the persecution the church was under at the time Paul wrote the first letter to the church in Corinth.

Some will also twist what Jesus said to his disciples regarding those who become eunuch's for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. But it doesn't take much study to see that those who become eunuch's are the ones who choose to do so. Also, it was after the disciples concluded it's best not to EVER marry at all. So many miss that fact. They assume the disciples were saying if a person divorces it's best not to marry again at all. But that isn't what they said. They said after all Jesus said regarding divorce and remarriage (under the law of Moses), it was best to never marry.

You can repent of the adultery and the abandonment. You can eventually marry this man who is waiting for you so long as you refrain from sex outside of marriage and are true to each other for life in the marriage. Learn from your mistakes and work to make this new marriage what God wants it to be and live for Him. This man who is waiting for you should seek to be right with God too. If he isn't a Christian, he should study and eventually become a Christian.

I am praying for you all. If you struggle with a specific Bible passage, please let me know and I will try to help you understand that passage better. If you have follow up questions, please let me know as well. I hope this has helped you.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman