Expert: Joe Norman - 9/10/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have read several of your responses to others regarding marriage, divorce,
and remarriage.  My particular circumstances are so rare I would greatly
appreciate it if you would be willing to help me analyze the scriptures as they
apply to my particular situation.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and still give you the necessary details.  
I grew up in a home where I was verbally and sexually abused.  At age 14 I
became pregnant for the first time.  Just after my 15th birthday and before
the birth of our child I became legally married to my first husband.  As you
can imagine our short marriage was very rocky.  He was abusive as well.  I
discovered his affair two years after we married and filed for divorce.  Before
it was legally final however I was sexually involved with someone else.  It was
only one time but I know that really doesn't matter.  Just before my 19th
birthday I married again.  This time to a wonderful man who has helped me
raise my first child and our common child who was born 8 years ago. We
have currently been married 10 years. I became a member of the Church of
Christ seven years ago without any questions about my marital status.  My
husband, despite my efforts to teach him and the fact that he is by the
world's standards a very moral man, is not a member of the Church.  

Since my baptism I have moved to a more conservative Church.  When I
placed membership there they did question me about my marital status. They
asked only why I divorced the first time.  I truthfully answered because my
husband was unfaithful and that was all that was said about it.  I've tried to
read and study in order to come to an answer myself but am still torn.  

Am I in a scriptural marriage?  What must I do from here?  I am only 29 years
old and hopefully have a very long life left ahead of me.  I was surprised as I
typed this at how very ashamed I am.  I've managed to overcome so many
obstacles.  My first child who was born under bleak circumstances has
flourished.  I've managed to educate myself, raise my children to be good
Christians, and build a strong marriage none of which would have been
possible without God's help of course.  This is a big hang up for me.  Any
assistance you can offer would be wonderful. I have far too much shame and
fear to take these questions to a member of my own congregation.

Thank you and may God bless you.

ANSWER: Hi Lindsay,

Your story was sad to read and at the same time inspiring. You have truly overcome so many large obstacles in your life. I am so sorry to hear of anyone having been verbally, sexually, or physically abused as children. You truly had to grow up fast and that is so sad to me.

I suppose I can understand why you have shame and fear, but don't believe you should have shame or fear. You are no longer guilty of the past sins you had committed prior to becoming a Christian. You did sin when you became sexually involved with someone before your divorce was final but again, this all happened before you became a Christian. All your prior sins are forgiven the moment you submit to water baptism.

There was a very respected Bible scholar in the church of Christ who wrote a book called "Divorce and Remarriage in the Early Church". His named was Pat Harrell. He researched all he could find in the first 400 yrs after the day of Pentecost that spoke of divorce and remarriage. He never found any historical evidence that anyone was told they were in an "adulterous marriage" or that anyone was questioned about their marital history prior to water baptism, ot that anyone was forbidden water baptism due to their marital status.

I have seen nothing in the Bible to indicate anyone was told they must divorce to be right with God either. Water baptism washes away ALL sin. The short answer is yes your current marriage is "scriptural" (whatever that means) and all you need to do now is remain faithful to your current husband. You may not ever be able to convert him to Christianity, but he has been a good husband and father to your kids. He also doesn't hinder you or the kids from attending worship or being involved in church work or study.

There aren't really any scriptures that apply to your situation other than the words of Paul to the church in Corinth regarding Christians who have spouses who are not believers. (I Cor.7:12-16)

If you are struggling with a specific passage I can evaluate that for you and help you to better understand it. Just send a follow-up question and let me know what passage you need help with so I can focus on it for you. If you have new questions, feel free to ask me as well. Please do not continue to feel ashamed. You are living your life for God and are cleansed from all past sins and continue to be cleansed from sins as you walk in the light as He is in the light.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The verse that troubles me most is Matthew 5:32. In my Bible it reads "But I
say unto you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual
immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman
who is divorced commits adultery."

This is the verse that our Church uses in teaching that to remarry following a
divorce for any reason other than adultery is unscriptural.  The first time I
read this I wasn't troubled at all since I did divorce my first husband primarily
because of his infidelity.  I didn't think about my own transgression which, at
the time, to me really wasn't one until later.  In my mind the marriage was
already over.  We were legally separated and I wasn't thinking as a Christian. I
failed to mention this before but thankfully my husband has only been
married once to me.

Does my young age at the time of my first marriage make any difference?  
The age of accountability has always been a confusing topic for me.  I know
that years ago it was common for girls to marry at this age so my guess is
the answer is no.  Still, while I have always been mature in some ways I
lagged behind in others.  It may have something to do with my particular
history.  

Thank you for your kind words and continued willingness to help me
understand and have peace regarding this part of the scriptures.

ANSWER: Hi again Lindsay,

Let me begin this time with analyzing Matthew 5:32.

Matt.5:32 but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery.

Above is the American Standard Version because most scholars believe it to be the most accurate English translation. According to what Jesus said, if the CAUSE for divorce was NOT for fornication then when a man divorces his wife he MAKES HER an adulteress...and whoever marries her when she's divorced (for reasons other than fornication) commits adultery.

The first thing I want to point out is the divorce is what makes her an adulteress. The reason is because once he divorces her, she can no longer remain faithful to that marriage. She is MADE an adulteress against her will. The second thing I need to point out is that if the cause was "fornication" the divorce would not make her an adulteress. Keep in mind Jesus was speaking regarding the Law of Moses here and no one guilty of adultery would be given a divorce because they punished adultery with stoning you to death.

Many in the Lord's church make two huge mistakes when they read the words of Jesus on divorce and remarriage. The first mistake they make is they ignore the context. They believe He said these things for Christians. But Jesus was speaking to Jews and not Christians. Christianity wasn't even established until 33ad. The second mistake they make is they read "except for fornication" and are convinced Jesus said "except for adultery". But that isn't what Jesus said. He used the Greek word "porneia" which we normally translate to "fornication". They forget that at the time Jesus said these words, adultery was met with stoning to death so there would be no divorce.

I am convinced Jesus was using the word "fornication" because He intended to use a word with a much broader definition. Moses spoke of a cause for divorce when He gave instructions regarding divorce in Deuteronomy 24:1-3. The cause was a Hebrew word "ervah" which is usually translated as "nakedness, uncleanness, or blemish". It can also be figurative and refer to something causing disgrace or shame. I believe Jesus' use of "fornication" was equivalent to Moses' use of "uncleanness".

The bottom line message from Jesus was that divorce must ONLY be a last resort and for a serious breaking of the marriage covenant. I am convinced that verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse are valid reasons for divorce. But if you want to read instructions to Christians study I Corinthians chapter 7.

In your situation too, the only sin I saw was the sexual relationship you had prior to your divorce being final. But all this occurred prior to you becoming a Christian. Water baptism washed away all these sins. You are now in a good marriage even though he at this time is not a Christian. He is a good husband and father. Again you are living for God now and are in a happy marriage. God is pleased as long as you remain faithful to your husband.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman






---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I think I understand now.  Thank you so very much.  This has troubled me for
some time and like I said I didn't know who to go to for help.  I think I can have
peace about it now.  

Answer
I am so thankful if I have been of any help to you at all. I really am confident that you are forgiven of your sins and your current marriage is pleasing to God. I will continue to pray that one day your husband will convert to Christianity, but even if he never does, remain married to him and faithful to him as long as he is willing to remain with you and be a good husband to you and father to your kids. Please feel free to leave me positive feedback if you are willing.

One more thing I meant to say about the "exception clause" that I forgot to add. This section is only found in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19. It is not in the other gospels and not even hinted at in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus was not seeking to provide any "loophole" for anyone. Anyone seeking to please God will never even think of divorce as a possibility. God's ideal should be our goal always. But as you know, it takes two working to achieve God's ideal and sometimes one isn't willing to work toward this goal. Divorce always ends a marriage though. You are in good standing with God and no one needs to know all the details.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman