Expert: Hoyt Roberson - 11/19/2011

Question
Regarding Divorce. We have children , but not ours. He has a daughter and a step son,  (we have a relationship with him) from his first marriage, I have 3 sons from my first marriage. ( I lost youngest son this past February, I am still devastated) Children are all grown now. My husband is 10 yrs older than I and my children were small when we started our relationship 23 yrs ago. We are married now for 14 yrs. We raised my children together, his were grown.  He owned 2 homes and a cabin in a resort area when we married. 4 yrs ago,  together we bought a very nice home and rented our home, his children have lived rent free in the other home and only his kids have keys to the cabin for use at any time. My children have never use it. His daughter has a serious drug problem and and out if jail. We rarely see or hear from her. His stepson only works a few days a week to  support his marijuana addiction. We have bought (only) his children cars, vacations etc.. My boys went to college on scholarships and no help from us. They both have bought homes and work very hard.  Last year my husband tells me we need to sell our home and move back to the rental, so I did as a wife should and honored my husbands decision, we remodeled and moved in.  Now I have discovered a bank account with a substantial amount of money that could have more than paid off our home. plus an additional 2 bank accounts . All with his daughter listed as beneficiary. He has just told me his intent is to leave her all the monies, our home ( which is why all the remodeling) and the cabin, and give his stepson the home he is living in and "only" $100,000 of the monies. Me and my children nothing . I was raised in the Church of Christ , walked away for many years. 14 yrs ago I rededicated myself to the Lord and a few years later my husband became baptised member.  We attend worship every Sunday, I attend all studies and we often talk about scripture in our home. I am beyond hurt,anger, no self respect and betrayed by the only person I adored. Some days I tell myself it's just vapor, other days I want to run. I have lost so much respect , adoration and don't feel  protected and safe with my husband. I feel if i keep allowing myself to feel this way about him and struggle with my marriage I am not being the wife God tells me to be , and I am causing God to see my husband differently too. ( make sense?) Please,  some scriptural advise and guidance would be appreciated. Conservative answer please ~

Answer
Good afternoon, Lynn

[disclaimer: I am not familiar with Family Law in California and am not a lawyer of any sort. You may have legal options available to you. None of this is intended to be legal advice or therapy. The following answer is in response to your request for a "conservative" answer and does not address other views. Finally, all of this is based only on what you have stated without regard to its completeness or accuracy. Since I don't know either you or your husband, none of this is written or should be intended as "taking sides" or characterizing either of you in any way. I recommend you consult a family lawyer and a good state-licensed Christian marriage counselor for a more complete answer specific to your situation.]

You have asked for a conservative answer, and I take that to mean a "conservative church of Christ" answer. Unfortunately, such an answer requires that we know why your and your husband's first marriages ended. If either of you had not been "Scripturally divorced" then your current marriage is invalid from the beginning. The conservative "fix" to your problems would be to return to your first husband or remain unmarried as a single mom the rest of your life. Staying married to someone who you are not "Scripturally allowed" to be married to would be unacceptable. I have witnessed conservative congregations requiring the annulment of current marriages because one or both partners were considered "ineligible" to be married to their current spouse.

But for now, let's assume that both of you were "Scripturally eligible" to remarry after your first marriages ended. In that case, your husband has an obligation to provide for his "household," which would include at this point, you and your kids. There is no requirement that this "providing" be "equal" or even closely "fair," from a "provision" viewpoint. There are other considerations though, that should impact life decisions of husbands and wives. The first would be the development of the Fruit of the Spirit (kindness, self-control, etc.) and similar ideas such as graciousness and a giving attitude. In a Christian marriage, one's spouse should be the primary consideration (the husband will "cleave" to his wife), even above children, but not to their exclusion. We are called to remain faithful to, and supportive of our spouse. Therefore, your husband should be providing for you and your kids as well as his kids. Keep in mind that this provision does not need to be equally divided.

Because your husband is "the head of the house," he gets to make the final decisions on things material and spiritual. If he has decided to give his estate to his kids, he has the option of doing just that. From a conservative view, it's not your call.

The above summary is based on conservative church of Christ views, and relies on these principles conservatively interpreted:
--only marriages that are "Scriptural" are valid; all other marriages should be abandoned.
--continuation in an unScriptural marriage constitutes adultery for both partners and this sin continues even after repentance for it, or if the invalid marriage occurred prior to their "becoming Christians." [it essentially sees conjugal relations within an "invalid" marriage as repeated adultery]
--the husband is the head of the wife/family and what he says goes, both spiritually and materially.
--The husband should "love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her."
--Christian husbands should be mature Christians and provide for their wives and households, but this does not need to be done "equally" in the view of the wife.
--Spiritual things (husband is the head of the wife) take precedence over material things (divvying up your estate).

You have done an admirable job of honoring and supporting your husband and I can imagine the shock and hurt you feel knowing what you know. You are not the first spouse to be in your position, and you won't be the last. I would recommend some discussions with your preacher and/or a state-licensed Christian counselor for the two of you. Here I must issue a caveat: depending on how "conservative" you and your husband are, it is important to evaluate your preacher's perspective and the orientation of the Christian counselor. It is not uncommon to find folks who will essentially read the Scriptural rule to you and ask why you aren't "doing that."

There are various reasons your husband may be doing what he's doing. He may feel guilty about what he hasn't done for his kids; he may feel a need to "make up" for past failings including the end of his previous marriage. Or, it may simply be that his first family, in his mind, is his family and you happen to be essentially an add-on. I doubt that he consciously thinks that at any given moment, but it or a similar idea may influence his world view. In short, he may believe that you're going to take care of yourself or he may not realize your expectations. Many couples who marry later in life either as second marriages or simply just later, do so with the unstated assumption that "mine is mine, and yours is yours." There are various reasons for doing this including having been "burned" by their previous spouse, or simply not fully given to the current relationship. It is not uncommon for couples to live with separate bank accounts and a "common fund" out of which is paid the common expenses. The problem of course is that in many cases they never really become a couple, with each maintaining a part of their life separate from their partner.

If the separateness is a result of past hurt or current fear, a good counselor can assist with both normalizing the behavior for their spouse and reducing the anxiety and defensiveness of the partners.

I highly recommend you discuss your hurt with your husband if you have not done so already. It is a good idea for couples to have a financial plan in place for when one or the other dies and having this discussion with your husband is a good thing to do. One way to provide for a current spouse would be a substantial life insurance policy - but this would be up to the two of you and depend on the other financial arrangements.

I would encourage you to take a step back and see just what you have described. Your kids are doing well and are making good lives for themselves. Your husband has supported you and your kids (read: NOT his kids). They don't need your husband's estate; God has blessed them already. Your husband's kids apparently need someone to take care of them, and your husband is doing that. Give him some credit for trying "to do right" by them. The obvious question is "what happens to you if your husband dies tomorrow?" Your concern in that regard is not unfounded given what you have described and is a reasonable discussion topic between the two of you.

Take some time and read for yourself the Fruit of the Spirit, and Paul's admonitions to think about those things which are pure and good rather than things that are hurtful and not in keeping with the Spirit. Read these passages prayerfully.

[Again, I am not any sort of lawyer, nor therapist in California and this response is not intended as legal advice or therapy. I have not said that I agree with a conservative view; I have simply provided such a view at your request.]

I trust that our God will lead the two of you straightly.