Expert: Joe Norman - 2/22/2011

Question
Hello!  I have a question regarding getting remarried.  I was married at the age of 21 years old.  I stayed with my husband for 4 years.  I left him at the age of 25 due to some of his severe emotional problems. I have been legally divorced for 8 years. My ex-husband has been married two more times since we divorced.  At that time I was a member of a Baptist church.  I remained single until the age of 30 when I met the man that I am now engaged to marry.  He has always been a member of the Church of Christ.  About a year and one half later I was baptized and became a member of the church as well.  He then asked me to marry him and I very happily said yes.  I was wanting to know if it is ok that he marry me.  I know most people say "no."  I just do not want him to be damned to hell because of me.  Some think because I was baptized into the church after all this had happened that I am forgiven and free to marry him.  What is your view?  Help me.

Answer
Hi Amy,

My view is simple and if you have read my past answers to others on divorce and remarriage you already know my view - at least you should if you have read my past answers. I firmly believe that God wants us to marry one time for life. But I also firmly believe that there is only one unforgivable sin and that is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. Let me ask you a few questions.

If you sin by lying to someone, how do you repent of that sin? Do you never again talk to that person or do you strive not to lie to anyone again? If you sin by stealing something how do you repent of that sin? Do you never again go shopping or do you strive to never again steal from anyone?

Now some might say part of repenting of stealing is returning what is not yours to the rightful owner. I do agree - IF it is possible to do so...but that is not often. Of course one point others make is that there are consequences involved with sin. I don't deny that point. I just don't agree with what most within the church call a "consequence" of the sin of adultery or divorce for reasons other than adultery.

Consequences are not the same thing as punishment. A consequence is the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier For example: The accident was the consequence of reckless driving. Or a consequence is an act or instance of following something as an effect, result, or outcome.

A consequence of stealing is that it is against the law of the land so you might get arrested. But if you end up sent to prison for stealing, that is NOT a consequence. It is a result of a court trial in which you are found guilty of the crime and are then PUNISHED for that crime. Many within the church are confused about what is a consequence and what is a punishment. Consequences (both good and bad) naturally occur. A consequence of divorce is a marriage is ended and if children are involved, the children no longer have an in tact family unit. Their parents are no longer living with each other. Those are consequences.

Punishment is something that others impose on another person. Punishment in simplest terms is a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, or crime. Punishment in a legal sense is a penalty (as a fine or imprisonment) inflicted on an offender through the judicial and especially criminal process.

If you sinned by committing adultery, how do you repent of that sin? Do you vow never again cheat on your spouse or do you vow never again get married? I say you make sure you remain faithful to your next spouse and hopefully you spouse will aslo remain faithful to you and it will be for life. If your sin was "covenant breaking" by divorcing for selfish or sinful reasons, do you repent by never entering into marriage again or by vowing to never again break the marriage covenant? I say you vow never again to break the marriage covenant.

If someone tries to tell another person that because of their sin of adultery, they can never again have a marriage (unless they return to their original spouse) they are actually trying to apply a life-long PUNISHMENT upon the person who committed adultery. If they divorced for reasons other than adultery, they are told the same thing by most within the church, but again they are trying to PUNISH the person for divorcing for reasons other than adultery.

I have explained the words of Jesus many times to others and if you read my most recent answers to others on divorce and remarriage you can see my evaluation of Jesus' words but the bottom line is Jesus was not giving instructions to Christians on divorce and remarriage. Jesus was correcting the Pharisee teaching of Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The most popular teaching at that time was a Jewish man can divorce his wife for any reason. Jesus was seeking to stop that false teaching. Moses mentioned a cause and the cause mentioned was when the wife does something to cause shame or disgrace to her husband. I am convinced Jesus meant the same thing when He spoke of "except for fornication".

Paul gave the most complete instruction to Christians on divorce and remarriage and even separation in I Corinthians 7 and that should be our main focus since it was indeed written to Christians. Paul has no concern in that chapter about what caused a divorce. When Paul speaks to the "unmarried" I am convinced he is speaking of those divorced. Why? Well Paul speaks to three specific groups in that chapter. He speaks to the widows, the unmarried, and the virgins. We know widows are those whose spouse died. We also know that a virgin has never been married. So unmarried doesn't mean virgin or never married. That leaves us with those divorced.

In verses 6-9 Paul speaks to the unmarried and widows. He encourages them to remain as they are - without a spouse. But we see in verse 26 that the only reason he encourages a celibate life is because the church was being persecuted severely at that time. But Paul realizes not many can endure a celibate life without fornicating. Few have the gift that Paul had to endure. So he tells them if they lack self control they should marry because it's better to marry than to burn with passion.

Then we go to verses 26-28 and Paul speaks of those loosed from a wife and those bound to a wife. If you are "loosed" from a wife, you were obviously once bound to a wife. So this means you are either divorced or you are widowed. Paul says those "loosed" should not seek to be bound...but if you do marry you do not sin. According to Paul it doesn't matter how you became loosed...getting married is not a sin.

Most within the church disagree with me on this but that doesn't mean I am wrong. Also many believe even baptism doesn't remove your marital history and what they see as consequences of your adultery or divorce. But I don't understand how they can believe that not all sins are washed away. The Bible is pretty clear that all past sins are washed away in baptism.

Also, adultery is most often a word used in the Bible to mean unfaithfulness. It can be spiritual unfaithfulness, physical unfaithfulness, or any breaking of a covenant. I believe a person can be guilty of adultery or unfaithfulness in marriage when that person breaks any of the marriage vows. If one spouse is abusive either physically or mentally, that is adultery. If a spouse withholds sex from the other, that is unfaithfulness or adultery. I don't know what "severe emotional problems" your ex husband had but it is in the past. You divorced him and divorce always ends a marriage. I see nothing in God's Word to indicate God doesn't recognize some divorces.

If you sinned by divorcing him your sin is covenant breaking and that sin was washed away in baptism. But now that you are a Christian you need to ensure you don't covenant break again. I firmly believe you are free to marry your fiance. You must strive to remain faithful to him and stay married for life as he should do also. There are no problems that arise in a marriage that two Christians can't work out. The problem only becomes impossible when one in the marriage stops trying to be the Chrsitian spouse they are supposed to be and sin overcomes him or her. Selfishness is the root cause in my opnion. I pray you both will marry and have a long and happy Christian marriage until death parts you.

If you have any new questions please don't hesitate to ask me. If you have followup questions or a specific Bible passage you wish me to address please let me know that too.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman