Expert: Joe Norman - 2/11/2011

Question
I need clarification. I have a friend who has become emotionally involved with a man who has been separated from his current wife for 3 years but never filed for divorce until they began to form a friendship that seemed to be headed for romance. This is his 4th divorce, he is now a "Christian". They have not "consummated" the relationship, but they spend most of their time together.I believe it is wrong for this relationship to continue and feel that even when he is divorced, the relationship will still be against Gods will because it was established before his divorce. They are simply waiting for the divorce before they take it to the next level. Help me understand how God teaches on this situation. My friend is a widow.

Answer
Hi Nicki,

I don't see "emotionally" involved as equal to adultery in the heart if this is what you were thinking. Let's look at the passage which speaks of it together.

Matt.5:27,28
27 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.' 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Now I must point out that Jesus is not giving new law to the "Christian age" in this passage. He is correcting the Jews on the Law of Moses. Having said that, in order to commit adultery in the heart, one must LUST for someone. LUST is much more than mere emotionally involved or attracted to someone. According to the information you shared with me, your friend formed a "friendship that seemed headed for romance." If I understood correctly, the man didn't file for divorce from the wife he's been separated with for over 3 years until your friend formed a "friendship" with him. I don't know all the details or what is truly in the heart of the man or the woman.

I personally would be concerned about getting involved with someone who is in the midst of his 4th divorce, but you said "he is NOW a Christian" so that makes me think he's a new convert and maybe that will make a difference. Your friend hasn't "consummated" the relationship...I would hope that "consummation" would only occur after marriage, but the indication I got is that so far she has not sinned with him. She has merely kept it on a friendship level...even if they spend most of their free time together.

May I ask why you believe it is wrong for this relationship to continue even when he is divorced? Why do you believe it will be against God's will? Even if they want more than friendship with each other, they are keeping it on a friendship level until his divorce is final...isn't that right? Do you really think some sins are unforgivable and hold lifetime penalties? God's Word doesn't cover this situation specifically but we do have enough to guide us.

It might not be wise for your friend to get involved with a man who is a new Christian and has just divorced for the 4th time, but it's really not our business in my opinion. Your friend is a grown woman and a Christian. You can offer advice and voice concerns, but ultimately, it is her business and her decision. As I read what you shared, your friend has not sinned with him and there is no reason they can't date and eventually marry once his divorce is final. Divorce always ends a marriage. I see no scripture to prove that sometimes God doesn't recognize some divorces as ending a marriage. I do see these passages.

1 Cor.7:6-9
6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Now "unmarried" covers both those never married and those divorced. Paul only encouraged celibacy because the church was being persecuted at that time. Celibacy is never to be FORCED upon anyone. It must be a choice freely made by an individual.

1 Cor.7:26-28
26 I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

Verse 26 is the evidence that Paul only encourages celibacy because of "the present distress". In verse 27 Paul says if you are "bound" to a wife, don't seek to be "loosed" or divorced. If you are "loosed" from a wife (divorced or widowed), don't seek to be bound. In verse 28 Paul says if you do marry, you haven't sinned. This passage is quite clear. Even if a relationship begins in a sinful situation, the God I know can forgive the sins if the two are repentant. But repenting of the sins doesn't mean they can't continue in the relationship. They just need to do what they can to make sure sin is not committed as their relationship continues.

If there are passages which trouble you, please let me know and I will try to help you with them. If you have further questions, I am happy to answer them as well. I do hope I have been helpful. I pray for your friend and may God's will be done.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman