Expert: Joe Norman - 2/6/2011

Question
I am married to a man that drinks stay out all night said he was just out with the guys. I have had to fight with him about staying out all night, then he started coming home between two and four. He get late phone calls from women. He want pay any bills he acts like he hates me or i should take care of him. I belong to the COC. I was told that i am sinning by getting a divorce. I say your answer to what i am going through and would like for you to help me to understand my freedom to divorce this abusive husband.

Answer
Hi Debra,

I appreciate your choosing me to answer your question. You said you husband drinks and stays out all night and that he gets late phone calls from women. He refuses to pay any bills and acts like he hates you or that you should take care of him. I can't imagine anyone within the church of Christ would tell you that you would be sinning by divorcing him. The only reason I would think anyone might tell you it would be a sin to divorce him is if they don't believe you have real proof that he has been having sex with other women. But it seems to me there is plenty of evidence he is being "unfaithful" to you and to the marriage covenant.

My views on divorce and remarriage are not at all the most widely accepted views within the Lord's church. But that doesn't mean my views are incorrect.If you investigate God's Word carefully and evaluate how "adultery" is most commonly used throughout the Bible, you will see that the majority of the time "adultery" refers to a general unfaithfulness. It is most often used to describe how the nation of Israel was unfaithful to God and their covenant with Him. Adultery is sometimes very specific in referring to sexual unfaithfulness in a marriage covenant. But I am convinced that adultery is not always that specific in reference to marriage.

In fact, the way Jesus uses the word "adultery in the gospels where He speaks of divorce and remarriage is a prime example of adultery NOT being specifically about sexual unfaithfulness. Let's look at Matthew 19:9 since that is the main verse people within the church of Christ focus on.

Matt.19:9  And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that marrieth her when she is put away committeth adultery.

Jesus is clearly saying the acts of divorce and remarriage cause him to be guilty of "adultery" unless the cause for divorce is "fornication". When Jesus says the man commits adultery, it is the acts of divorcing one wife and marrying another woman. Neither of these acts involve sex. Now if the woman is guilty of "fornication", which covers a wife variety of things, there is no adultery committed by the husband if he divorces and marries someone else.

I should also point out that Jesus is not giving new commands to Christians in this passage. He was being tested by the Pharisees on the Law of Moses. They wanted to know how Christ Jesus understood Deuteronomy 24:1-3. The main instruction on divorce and remarriage to Christians is found in I Corinthians 7.

But the bottom line in your situation is that your husband is being unfaithful to you and the marriage covenant. He is NOT being a spiritual leader of the home. He is NOT living a lifestyle of a true Christian. He gets drunk. He stays out late and neglects his wife (you). He is most definitely cheating on you by having sex with other women. He refuses to provide for you and his home. He is at the very least verbally and mentally abusive to you as well.

You have every right to divorce him and are free to marry a good Christian man if you happen to meet the right man and choose to love him and be his wife. Always strive to be the best Christian wife to your next husband if you happen to eventually marry again. I pray the second marriage will be centered on God and your next husband will be the spiritual leader he should be for you. I am praying for you and may your next marriage be for life and happy and a Christian home.