Expert: Joe Norman - 5/16/2011

Question
QUESTION: I married a man that was not safed. I have been COC memeber since 08. I am dealing with the problem of divorce and trying to get back on track. I read your answers and notice that you do a wonderful job. So help me find the scriptures to help me break through this guilt and shame. How to pray, self-help books if you know any. I live in dallas a church of Christ that have a support group.

ANSWER: Hi Debra,

I deeply appreciate your kind words regarding the work I do on this site and you are truly an encouragement to me. My prayer has always been to help others better understand God's Word and the Lord's church. You said you married a man who was not saved? Do you mean he wasn't a Christian? I don't know why you have guilt or shame because marrying a non-Christian isn't really a sin. Did you divorce without a serious breaking of the marriage covenant? Didi you commit adultery? Are you remarried and feel like you aren't allowed to have a marriage anymore? It might help if I knew more details but I will do my best to help you as best I can.

So many within the Lord's church struggle with carrying guilt with them and many are not sure if they are saved or not. They are typically not very mature in their knowledge of God's Word and have also misunderstood what is taught within the mainstream churches of Christ. Some mistakenly think they need to be "perfect" Christians and must earn their salvation. This is just not the case. Perfectionism is a self defeating attitude and I myself struggled with it for years.

Prayer is a great gift we have from God. It's our way to speak directly to God. We are able to come before God in prayer ONLY because of Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for us all. One verse that helps me very much to remember I don't have to be perfect as I "walk in the light as He is in the light" is I John 1:7. John says Christ's blood CONTINUES to cleanse us from our sins as we walk in the light.

Prayer should first and formost be presented with complete humility. We must begin by honoring God our Heavenly Father just as Jesus did in what we call "The Lord's Prayer". I am not saying we must use the same words. I am saying we should have the same attitude. Begin by recognizing our Father in Heaven is all powerful and both just and loving. Then we should thank Him for what He has blessed us with as well. This helps us to realize even when we are in a severe storm of life, we are truly blessed by God. We are saved by the blood of Jesus. We will receive eternal life in Heaven if we endure to the end. Remembering God's blessings or counting our blessings help us to endure even in our darkest hour. I believe we should then pray for others and not just those closest to us that we love, but also we should pray for our country's leaders and local leaders and even our enemies. This helps us to be less self-centered and humble.Finally we should ask God to help us remain faithful and true to Him and to forgive us our sins and we can ask Him to help us reach goals we have or that He give us the things we need. But we should realize God sees a bigger picture than we do and is in control...and sometimes his answer will not be yes. Sometimes he will answer no. We may not know why the answer is no or even if it's no or just not yet. But we should be keep in mind He is our might God and declare not our will but His will be done in all things. When we make plans for the next day or the next week or month or year, we should pray about those plans going smoothly as well but His will be done. This maintains our humble attitude and continues to honor God.

I am not sure of a "self-help" book to recommend for helping you overcome feelings of guilt and shame. The best book in my opinion for helping with guilt and shame is the Bible. It is far easier it seems for God to forgive us than it is for us to forgive ourselves but like I have told many others, you can't unscramble an egg and so many of us have a past that is as mixed up as a scrambled egg. This is why repentance always looks forward. When we repent of our sins we not only ask God to forgive us of a specific sin or sin habit, but we vow to do our best not to commit that sin or sin habit from that day forward. We need to trust in God's promise to forgive our sins and that should keep us from continuing to carry guilt and beat ourselves up anymore.

Please consider these passages which I hope will be helpful to you.

1 John 1:9,10
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.

Eph.2:8-10
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

1 Cor.9:24-27
24 Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. 25  And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. 26 Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. 27 But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

I am not sure if I have really been able to help you to the extent you expected or needed. I am sorry if my response was not very good. I do appreciate you choosing me to help you though. I also live in north Dallas but I don't know of any support group. I would love to start one or be part of one because so many would benefit. But my understanding of divorce and remarriage is contrary to the majority of our fellow Christians. That doesn't mean I am incorrect. But I would not get approval to start such a support group where I worship and am not sure of a congregation which would permit one either.

I am praying for you and if you have follow up questions or new questions I am more than happy to help you. Just let me know. By the way, any words that are in capital letters are only for emphasis and not yelling. I pray God bless you and help you to unload your burden of guilt you are carrying.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: No i didn't commit adultery but my husband did. I wanted to give him another chance but he kept messing up continue to stay out and lie about where he was. I found out the truth because the girlfriend called me. I am really struggle with coping with the divorce and the issue that go with it. I have always hated being alone. I have to learn to be single until God sends me a husband. I am not coping well at this time. I am really depressed and crying and need some support. My Church of Christ family sent me coping with conflicts groups. Thank you as always you answered with the Wisdom that comes only from God even though God doesn't give divine inspired word today Wisdom is guiding you.

Answer
Hi again Debra,

I want to again thank you for your kind words to me and efforts to encourage me. After getting more details about your divorce I must admit I am puzzled as to why you are carrying guilt and shame. Most within the church would tell you that you had every right to divorce your husband and you are free to have a second marriage to someone else. But I do understand completely why you would be dealing with depression and feel a need for some sort of support. Divorce is like a death in many ways. I never wanted my divorce either. My ex cheated on me too and I tried for over 6 months to save our marriage. Eventually it became clear there was no way to fix it and she asked me to move out for good and she would file for divorce. I remember the exact day I moved out over 6 years ago. I remember the exact day our divorce became final too. Even now those two days bring a sadness to me.

I too have always hated being alone. I am the last of six children and an identical twin. I shared a room with my twin growing up until we were almost out of high school and also lived with him after high school until I went into the Navy and then married. I have lived alone most of the past six years and hate it so much. I have struggled so much financially to get by since my divorce that even if I wanted to date someone or found someone to marry, there is no way I could afford to support a wife when I am barely getting by alone. It hasn't been easy at all and I don't meet any single available women close to my age at church.

But this is not about me, it's about you. I am glad your church family sent you to coping with conflicts groups. I really hope they are of help to you. If you are feeling guilt because you think you shouldn't have divorced him, you shouldn't. You can't maintain a marriage when the trust is broken and he was making no effort to try to repair that trust. I will pray that God will help bring a good Christian man into your life who will love and cherish you the way Jesus loves and cherishes the church. If you ever have a new question or need advice, let me know. I am not a trained counselor but I know God's Word and do my best to apply it to my life.

As I close I want to encourage you to read your Bible every day. Start from Genesis 1 and work your way through the Bible. I try to read it all the way through at least once a year. My dad has read it 3 and almost 4 times a year since the 1960's and he's 81 years old now. My dear mother who only passed away the last December was also a daily Bible reader. She taught me by example. I was truly blessed to have the parents I was given by God. May my life honor them and honor God. I am praying for you Debra and really hope you can overcome your feelings of guilt and shame and let God help you live life more abundantly.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman