Expert: Joe Norman - 5/24/2011

Question
This is my 2nd marriage and my husband is not a christian and has no intentions of becoming one or of getting counseling.  He is very verbally abusive, argumentive and selfish. I try to talk with him about his actions, but things have not changed much. I know divorce is suppose to be for adultery only . BUT should someone have to live in a bad situation that will not change and be miserable doing it?? I am thinking about getting out but am concerned about it being the wrong thing to do?  Can you give me any help on this?

Answer
Hi Sher,

Thank you for choosing to ask me your question. I actually am not aware of anything in the Bible (Old or New Testament) that says the only reason for divorce is adultery. In fact in the Old Testament adultery was punished by being stoned to death so there was no need for a divorce if your spouse committed adultery under the Old Testament law. Now if you are referring to the words of Jesus (most refer to Matt.19:9), He didn't say that adultery is the only legitimate cause for divorce either. Jesus was being tested regarding the Law of Moses and He was living under that law while in human form. I am convinced Jesus merely referred to the cause Moses mentioned in Deut.24:1-3. Jesus used the word "porneia" which covered a variety of sins usually of a sexual nature...but could also be used in a figurative sense. Moses used a Hebrew word "Ervah" which also has a broad meaning. The manner in which Moses used it made the meaning to refer to something the wife did which caused shame or disgrace upon the husband. I believe Jesus used "porneia" to refer to something like that as well.

Although Jesus only spoke of divorce and remarriage under the Old Covenant law I still believe it is legitimate to divorce if your spouse does something which causes shame or disgrace upon the other spouse. But if both the husband and the wife are Christian and doing their best to live by Christian standards, divorce should never even come up as a possibility. My parents believed and taught that there is no problem which may come in a marriage that two Christians can't overcome together. The problem only becomes impossible when one or both become self-centered and behave in a non-Christian manner.

Now your current husband is not a Christian so he has nothing to encourage him to change his ways. I believe verbal or mental abuse is no better than physical abuse and it is a major violation of the marriage covenant which means it's a legitimate cause for divorce. It seems to me your husband wants the divorce but is pushing your buttons cause he wants you to pay for it. That is just the impression I get from what you have shared.

I don't believe it would be wrong to divorce if you can't get him to go to counseling with you and he has no desire to work on making the marriage good and happy. What puzzles me is why wouldn't anyone want to make the marriage good and happy? Divorce is very distructive and painful to all involved. He probably just thinks he doesn't love you anymore but love is a choice we make.

I am not in the marriage and don't know all the details nor do I want to know them. I also don't like to see any marriage end in divorce, but from what you shared I don't think you would be wrong to divorce him. If you do, please be very careful about who you choose to marry next time. Find a good Christian man...I know there aren't many but we do exist. Make the next one the last one but also make it a happy life long marriage. God doesn't want you to stay in a terrible marriage just to stay in it. He wants us to be happy in our marriages. It is up to us to work for that happy marriage every day.

If you have follow-up questions or a specific verse you wish me to explain, let me know. I hope I have helped.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman