Expert: Joe Norman - 6/8/2011

Question
Hello Mr. Norman,

I am currently in a situation I never dreamed to be in. My husband and I have been married now for 7 years. We have one child together that is 5. I have a child from a previous marraige and he has 2 children. One from a previous marraige and one from someone he use to live with after being divorced from his first wife. My husband was baptized 6 years ago into the Lords church and I myself was baptized a couple of months ago after going through a study with someone in the church that helped clarify some questions I had with the Lords Church. Since being baptized, I have been given the option of placing my membership with that congregation. Well upon filling out the form there was a question that asked about if I was married or remarried and if remarried was it based on the verses in Matthew. Well I spoke with the person I had been studying with regarding the letter and explained what happended in my previous marraige. He was abusive while we were dating and also cheated on me but always apologized and promised not to do it again. Well I became pregnant and wanted to so do the right thing even though my conscious told me not to. My nose even bled the day of my wedding because I was so torn up about all of it. Well as it turned out my conscious was right..he was abusive while we were married too. He was always out of town "due to work" and when he came home I couldn't ask any questions or he would unleash his violent bull on me. (the last time was while I was laying on the couch with my son) My divorce court case was based on all of this and also leaning toward why he was really out of town all the time. Well since he made close to 6 digits a year and was able to toy with the attorney fees he spent a lot of money trying to intimidate me. He even lied to the attorneys during deposition. When it finally came down to court he declined going and settled. The problem I have with that now is my papers don't say marital unfaithfulness as a reason for my divorce.
When I told them this, they recomemded that I speak with an elder. Well when I spoke with the elder I was presented with unless I could prove he was unfaithful that I was unscripturally divorced therefore my marraige now was not valid. When I asked was I suppose to live on his lies there was still no other way to trully repent unless I dissolved the marraige to the spouse I have now. I was and still am trully devastated to hear this. I mean I literally felt like I could lay down in the floor and die. I didn't eat for 3 days and could barely sleep. It is still on my mind every minute of the day. My husbands first wife cheated on him with his best friend but also his divorce papers only say irreconcilable differences. We have no "proof" of the matter. The elder wanted proof and we don't have it. He is adamant about meeting with me and my husband and I am so torn up about feeling like I am on trial for a crime. It tore me up just to have to sit and try to explain what happened and feel like I was reliving a nightmare. I am a very private person (although I am telling someone I don't even know about this??) and it took a while for me to even want to talk about it to the person I was studying with. I am just devastated with all of this. My previous husband didn't even care about going to church and doesn't now either. He doesn't even take my child to church when he is with him and also still does things in anger (like break things in front of my son)  My husband now has not had a lot of faith in people of the church because of all the hypocrits and it has taken me while to get him to become more involved and now we are told we are to disolve our marraige or we are doomed for Hell. Can you please give me/us some advice on this. I know the elder is going to want to talk and make it impossible not to. I truly just want to tell him our things are between us and the Lord not him and we have a scriptural marraige and to not discuss it with us again (out of respect of course). What are your thoughts?

Answer
Hi Deanna,

Your story broke my heart to read but sadly your experience is very common. The majority within the Lord's church have been taught incorrectly on divorce and remarriage for so long most can't even imagine that what they were taught on this topic can possibly be wrong. They don't see that they are making a very similar mistake as those who believe the false doctrine of "faith only". The mistake is focusing all your attention on one or even afew passages which speak on a topic and ignoring all the other verses which speak on it too. "Faith Only" believers focus on one main verse but may point to a small handful of others as well. Those within the church who hold to what has been traditionally taught on divorce and remarriage also focus on one main passage (Matt.19:9# but sometimes will point to a few other verses while ignoring the ones which cause problems with their belief. But if a person is able to carefully study all passages which speak on divorce and remarriage and no allow what they were previously taught to guide their thinking, it is very easy to see the truth on this matter.

First, Jesus was not giving commands to Christians regarding divorce and remarriage. Jesus lived under the authority of the Law of Moses while on earth in human form. He was also being tested by Pharisees on the Law of Moses in Matthew 19. God, through Moses, gave commands on divorce and remarriage to the Jewish nation in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The Pharisees were teaching that a man can divorce his wife for any reason. #at least that was the most popular and accepted teaching)

Jesus sought only to correct their error as usual. Jesus did say God never intended that any man and woman who are married should ever divorce. But God knew mankind develops a hard heart due to sin being in the world and so the necessary evil of permitting divorce was given by God but only for serious reasons and not for any reason. Moses mentioned the man could divorce if his wife brought some sort of serious shame or disgrace upon him. Now this cause couldn't have been adultery because the punishment for adultery under the Law of Moses was to stone to death anyone caught in adultery. When Jesus spoke to the Pharisees on this, he reminded them of the cause Moses spoke of in what we call "the exception clause". When He said "except for fornication" I am convinced he meant what Moses meant in Deut.24.

Many in the Lord's church make false assumptions when reading Jesus' words on divorce and remarriage. Jesus never once said anyone had an "adulterous marriage", never told anyone the only way to be right with God is to divorce, and never said anyone was no longer able to have a marriage the rest of their lives. In fact none of these things are taught at all anywhere in the Bible. I don't believe it's possible to be guilty of "perpetual" adultery by remaining married and faithful to your current husband regardless of either of your past marriages, divorces, and or fornications. Adultery is having sex with someone other than your spouse. If you are in a new marriage and are faithful to that spouse, you are not guilty of adultery.

Also, many don't see their inconsistency regarding this topic and other sins. When someone has been guilty of stealing but then went before God and the church to ask forgiveness and repent, that person isn't told they are not forgiven and have not fully repented unless they not only return all they have stolen but pay a certain financial penalty the rest of their lives. They don't see that repentance doesn't look to the past. Repentance looks forward. We are telling God from this day forward I will do my best to never again commit the sin of which I have repented. When you repent of a sin you vow not to do it again. If your sin was adultery, you vow never again to cheat on your spouse ever again. If the result of your adultery was divorce, then once you enter into a new marriage you remain true to that spouse and that shows you have repented of adultery.

Now you have said you did not commit adultery. Your first husband was both abusive and unfaithful sexually. Both the abuse and the sexual unfaithfulness are adultery in the sense that your husband broke his marriage vows. He vowed to love you and cherish you above all other women and be faithful to you. He was to love you as Christ Jesus loves the church...being willing to lay down his life for you. He was unfaithful to you. Your current husband's first marriage was also similar in that his wife committed adultery. It doesn't matter if you have proof or not. Divorce always ends a marriage. You are both able to remain married to each other and will not be doomed to Hell. Your current husband did also do something very wrong by living with a woman not in marriage, having sex with and having a child with her but once you both were baptized into Christ Jesus your past sins were all washed away. There is no reason to divorce. You two are not currently living in sin. You both became Christians and are striving to live for God now.

I don't know what to tell you about the elder and that congregation. There are some elders and congregations in general which may understand the truth on divorce and remarriage and will accept your family with open arms but they are few and far between. Most which see the error on divorce and remarriage are also much too liberal with their worship practices and other teachings too but not always. I doubt any elder who holds to what is traditionally taught on divorce and remarriage will listen to you or me or anyone who tries to show them the error in what they believe and teach. They are convinced they are right on this topic. If possible, tell the elder what you said you want to tell him because you are correct. It is not the elder's business. Tell him your past divorces were scriptural and your business and you are not living in perpetual adultery by remaining married. No one is appointed by God to be a "sin investigator" either. This is a tough situation though because we are to honor and respect the elders and their authority as shepherds of the Lord's church. But you are not living in sin by remaining married to each other.

It might be necessary for you both to move to a congregation where no one knows you. If there isn't one close by you can go to, you might need to relocate because I fear the church you are currently with may disfellowship you over this situation. The elders as a whole might make such a drastic decision if you refuse to divorce as they believe you should. I am sorry this is the case. I wish it wasn't but all I can do is help as many as I can to see and understand what the New Testament actually teaches on divorce and remarriage. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it was difficult to share your past with me. I can completely relate to your feelings. My divorce nearly killed me. I didn't want it even though my wife was unfaithful to me.

I am more than willing to explain specific passages in the Bible to you if you are struggling with understanding it. I am also more than willing to answer follow up questions if you think of any to ask me. Please let me know if I can be of more help. May God bless you both and I hope you will remain married and also hope neither of you turns from God and the church over this terrible situation. We are all human and so there will always be hypocrites within the church and outside the church as well. Also because we are human and not perfect, sometimes we believe and teach error on some things. But I am convinced the "church of Christ" is the true Lord's church today. The one church which belongs to Jesus which was originally established over 2000 years ago on the Day of Pentecost.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman