Expert: Joe Norman - 8/23/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello, I am a divorce woman who received a biblical divorce 30 years ago. Since my divorce I have been seeing a member of the church for 10 years. I was baptized after my divorce. He has two adult children who are faithful, one also received a biblical divorce and has remarried. I have one adult child who has not been baptized. My question - The man who is a pastor broke up with me because he says he wants to become an Elder and because of my divorce can not marry me. Is this a true statement?

ANSWER: Hi Jody,

I am confused by your question. You said the man who is a pastor broke up with you because he says he wants to become an Elder. You see, the term pastor actually refers to the same office as elder according to the New Testament. I am guessing you mean he's the pulpit preacher. But even if that is the case, I don't understand how he can become an Elder regardless of whether or not he marries you. Most churches of Christ will not appoint a man as Elder if he's been divorced. The New Testament says the man chosen to be an Elder must be the husband of one wife. (I Tim.3)

I personally believe when Paul wrote "husband of one wife" he did so because there were still men who had more than one wife in that time period and part of the world. But I also think it's important to have a man who was able to remain in one marriage with no divorce to be appointed elder because it shows he's disciplined and wise. I mean I believe I have gained much wisdom and partly due to my divorce but I would not seek the office of Elder anymore or even deacon. I served as deacon for 3 years when I was still married.

Maybe you can clarify the situation if I mis-understood but I don't think this "preacher" is qualified to become a deacon if he's been divorced and especially if he currently has no wife. I see no reason he should have broke up with you. Your divorce was "biblical" according to you and his was too. You are both free to marry in your understanding of God's Word so why not get married to each other?

I hope I have helped.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Please let me clarify, he is not divorced he is widowed. I am divorced and so is his daughter. He wants to be an Elder, and is looking for a woman to marry that is not divorced because he says he can not marry me because of my divorce. My divorce was biblical (cheating husband caught in the act) left the home. The divorce was prior to my baptized.

Answer
Hi again Jody,

So he is a widower and wants to be an Elder so he's looking for a widowed woman to marry? I don't understand his reasoning. Now most within the church of Christ would believe that if he were to marry you it would not be sin because, as you explained, it was a "biblical" divorce which indicates to me you are free to marry someone new without sin (based on what is the traditional belief and teaching on divorce and remarriage within the churches of Christ).

Now you probably know if you have read my many answers to people on divorce and remarriage I understand this topic much differently than most within the church. That doesn't mean my view is not accurate or actually what the Bible teaches. I am confident I understand it correctly after many years studying the topic.

Having said that, I don't believe many would see this preacher as eligible to become an elder no matter whom he chooses to marry. Most see "husband of one wife" to mean more than just only one wife at a time. They believe he must only have one wife in his life on earth. I believe it had more to do with men having more than one wife at a time back in the time this was written. But you said his daughter is divorced and most within the church would also see that as disqualifying him to become an elder.

Most anyone in the Lord's church would see your divorce as legitimate and that you are free to have a new husband without sinning by getting married. Here is the problem though. I don't believe the man you were hoping to marry qualifies to become and elder and do believe you both can marry each other. But it doesn't matter what I believe regarding this situation. It only matters what this man who wants to be an elder believes. He's a preacher and has been a serious student of God's Word his whole life. Nothing I could say or present to him would convince him he is incorrect about anything or that I know more than he does about this topic. I guarantee I have studied all sides of this topic more than most anyone but he won't recognize my teaching as legitimate.

All I can do is pray for you. His mind is made up about this but I really wonder if any congregation would see him as a legitimate candidate to be appointed as elder. If you both really love each other this is even more sad to me. I believe you love him or you wouldn't be writing me about this at all. If he really loves you and is walking away because of his personal ambition to one day be an elder, that too seems to disqualify him as I understand the scriptures. It just seems to me that he's puffed up with pride (I Tim.3:6)

It should be more his desire to have a good and loving wife who is a servant of God. He should not break up with you if you love each other and know you would both be a good Christian couple together. But this is his choice to make and all you can do is try to persuade him not to leave you. I pray you can do it. I also hope that I have been of some help to you and am sorry I can't help you more.

In Christian Love, Joe Norman