Expert: Marvin Howard - 10/24/2006

Question
thank you so much for your guidance, yes i have asked god for forgiveness, because what i thought was just listening and helping, turned out to be much more. your correct that i did care and still care for this women, but i know that there is no way that i could ever have a relationnship with her that would please god. i have lived out side of god's grace, it is not a life i would wish on anyone. i have reminded her, that forgivness and salavation are not the same. my prayer is that god will intercede and that her pastor may be called to preach on this. thank you so much.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
i was involved emotinally with a women who is a memeber as well as a bible school teacher in a local church of christ. i would not become sexually involved becaause i do not practice adultery. the realtionship ended when she canceled her divorce proceding and returned to her husband. she has now filed for divorce again, and is involved with a man she knows to be married. while i pray for her, it is appaernt to me that she is indeed not the women i thought she was. without exposing her actions, what can i do to help her return to a life that will please god?
-----Answer-----
Hi!

Bruce, I commend and applaud your decision to keep this situation out of the public eye. This is exactly the way the Lord intended things to be handled. Before we get to your question, let me offer these Scriptures as encouragement and edification.

Matthew 5:23-24, �Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.�

The way to fix the problem, as you have correctly surmised, is to go to your brother, or in this case, your sister. Never go more public with an offense than the offense itself has already been publicized. Now, the issue becomes what problem to address. This is where we will turn to the answer to your question. You must remember, men and women are spiritual equals in the eyes of God (Galatians 3:28). Unless it is specified otherwise, for specific reasons, the genders in any analogy or parable may be reversed without affecting the truth of the statement.

Matthew 5:27-32, �Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.�

It is no coincidence that this statement follows just three verses after the admonition to take your problems directly to the person involved; privately. It is part of the same context, and is especially important that sexual and marital issues be handled in this manner.

Notice, no longer do you need to have sex with a woman in order to commit adultery. All you need to do to be guilty of adultery is to want the woman. In other words, an emotional relationship with someone who is already married (rather than physical), with a view to a future marriage, is adultery in and of itself. These adulterous desires must be repented, by any guilty party. With your relationship terminated, it appears as though you already repented of the adultery, even if you denied that it was adultery, not realizing the nature of the sin. If this is not the case, and you still believe that you should be �next in line� for the woman rather than the new man, please repent before it is everlastingly too late, because there is really no legitimate line to be in to obtain her.

Nevertheless, let�s take a deeper look at marriage and adultery, so that you may have better advice for this lady, for I see a deeper problem arising for your friend.

Matthew 19:3-12, �The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.�

Let�s look even more deeply at this.

�But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.�

Now, not only is the adultery itself a sin, the lust that causes it is a sin. This lust is so dangerous that it is better to maim yourself than to allow it to continue. It is to be offensive to ourselves if we have these thoughts. But, guess what, Jesus is about to expand the definition of adultery.

�It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement.�

Because of the hardness of the people�s hearts (Matthew 19:8), God allowed Moses to remove a God ordained stipulation of marriage. Now, it is going to be enforced once again.

�But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.�

Here is the Greek word translated as the phrase, �committeth adultery,� as defined by Strong's Lexicon.

μοιχάω
moichaō
moy-khah'-o
From G3432; (middle voice) to commit adultery: - commit adultery.

If you will, notice that the word is given in the middle voice. This indicates that the committing of adultery is a continuing thing, rather than a one time event. It is not the divorce that is the adultery. Jesus recognizes the fact that those who think they are divorced will remarry again. Though there are exceptions to this rule (eunuchs for the kingdom�s sake who do not try to marry again), they prove the rule rather than being common. Every night one shares a bed with someone who is wrongly �divorced,� adultery is committed all over again. Even the Apostles recognized how difficult this teaching was in regards to the ability of compliance upon the part of the one learning.

If you get a divorce (or if your spouse divorces you), and your spouse didn�t commit adultery against you, you cannot marry without committing adultery as long as your spouse remains alive, regardless of any government papers you may have. If you have never been married, but your intended is divorced without his or her previous spouse committing adultery, you cannot get married. To try is only to commit adultery. You cannot sleep with someone (other than a legitimate spouse in the eyes of God) without committing adultery. People want to say that you are no longer committing adultery with a second spouse if you become a Christian: that this sin is forgiven. Well, what is a requirement to become a Christian, even before baptism? Is it not repentance? Does this not mean that you must quit the sin before it can be forgiven? Of course, it does. In order to become a Christian, if you are in an adulterous marriage, you must first give up the adulterous marriage, for it is not truly a marriage at all. In God�s eyes, it is merely adultery. Anyone who is not forgiven of adultery when they die is Hell bound. Anyone in a marriage with someone who has divorced for reasons other than adultery is really still married to the first spouse. Anyone who is married to more than one spouse at a time is Hell bound.

Bruce, you do need to go to this lady with this information. It is a touchy situation. It will be difficult to lovingly tell her that she has sinned, and yet you must. It will be difficult to lovingly demand that she repent, and yet you must. It will be difficult to dismiss your desire of this woman, and yet you must. I do not envy your position in this predicament at all. I pray that you have the strength to do what you must. I pray that the reading of these words of God have given you a better understanding of the ramifications of the decisions made, and the events that logically follow. If I can be of further assistance, please let me know.

In His Service,
Marvin Howard
http://www.geocities.com/preacherman_1962
http://360.yahoo.com/preacherman_1962

Answer
Hi!

Bruce, I am glad that I could help. I didn't mean to imply that you definitely wanted back into the relationship. I could tell from reading that you still care for her. However, I have learned in this forum, when I cannot ask questions to pinpoint a problem, that it is most helpful to give answers that cover a number of possibilities.

I pray that you will heal from this, and that you will find the strength to help her.

In His Service,
Marvin Howard
http://www.geocities.com/preacherman_1962
http://360.yahoo.com/preacherman_1962