Expert: Jamie Novak - 12/16/2008

Question
I need a clutter intervention...My mom's home is full of clutter. I need to find a way for her to realize this is a problem.  Everyone has tried to help her "organize" and "clean" but she never want to throw anything away. It really started to bother me a few years ago.  When i asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day - she would say for you to come help me organize my house.  On Mother's Day?

I don't know what else to do or how to help her realize this is a problem.  It's causing problems with her kids, her boyfriend (who lives in the mess) etc.  What can I do?  My last resort is right now to write her a long letter about how this is affecting her and her relationships but I'm not sure I'm not able to express myself well enough on paper to make her see the light!  Any suggestions?  Thank you!

Answer
Thank you for your question, this is one of the top questions that is sent in and I wish I had better news for you. But the truthful answer is that you can't make anyone do anything about their clutter.

The letter you mention that you might write will most likely help you more than her, I'd suggest writing it to get your feelings out but do not send it, chances are it will cause more harm.

With the holidays approaching you might mention you'd like to be able to celebrate at her home. Chances are she'd like to as well and already feels guilty enough.

Some people are able to make a change when they realize they'll be leaving the mess for family to take care of once they are gone. Not nice to think about but sometimes it is a great motivator.

You mention she did ask for help around Mother's Day and that is a very encouraging sign, next time maybe you can take her up on that offer even if it seems odd to you. You have to work when her motivation is high.

For the holidays you might make her a coupon book for 2-4 hour blocks of time to help her organize WITH an expiration date.

Also starting again in January I'll host my clutter club calls by phone. From the comfort and anonymity of her own home your Mom can call in and hear lots of other people around the country with the same problem of too much stuff. We talk, laugh, support each other and share tips. She is then encouraged to pick one task to work on before our next call in February. You can learn more here

http://jamienovak.com/FreecallwithJamie.html

Dr. Tolin does great work about this issue on Oprah and I copied a few of his articles below plus provided a link to a quiz which you or you and your Mom can take together.

Photos of the space sometimes speak louder than words, when stuff is piled high it can blend in and you hardly notice it, think about something in your own home that sat around, you can miss it. A photo of the space is undeniable.

Threats, arguing, doing it for them and so on do not work and usually make the problem worse.

If she is going to let you or someone else help, start VERY small. Pick a chair or a corner of a table and sort it. Make rules like any newspaper older than a year gets tossed. That way you do not have to ask about every item. Take the bags with you when you leave, many times stuff from the bags ends up back in the house.

It is an overwhelming project but it can be accomplished when she is ready.

I wish you a lot of luck and if I can give you any more tips please let me know.

By David F. Tolin, Ph.D.

In our hoarding clinic and research program, one of the most common inquiries I get goes something like this: "My [mother, father, sibling, friend, spouse, etc.] has a terrible hoarding problem. But he/she doesn't seem to recognize that it's a problem, and isn't interested in doing anything about it. How can I make him/her see that this is a problem and get the help he/she so badly needs?"

The short answer: In most cases, you can't. That is, assuming that your loved one is an adult who is legally competent to manage his/her own affairs (meaning he/she has not been declared incompetent by a judge and appointed a legal guardian), and the clutter is not immediately life-threatening, he/she has the right to hoard, even though the hoarding might have terrible consequences for his/her quality of life.

The long answer: Even though in most cases you can't make the person do anything, you can alter your approach to minimize the likelihood of getting a defensive or "stubborn" reaction. Often, it's tempting to start arguing with the person, trying to persuade them to see things the way you do. This kind of direct confrontation rarely works. We find that the best way to help people increase their motivation to work on the problem is to start with three key assumptions:


Ambivalence is normal.
People have a right to make their own choices.
Nothing will happen until the person is ready to change.

Here are some general principles to guide your conversations:

Show Empathy. Showing empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you agree with everything the person says. But it does mean you are willing to listen and to try to see things from the other person's perspective.

Don't Argue. There is simply no point in arguing about hoarding. The harder you argue, the more the person is likely to argue back. The only solution is to get out of the argument.

Respect Autonomy. Remember, most of you are dealing with an adult who has freedom of choice about his or her own possessions. Try to engage your loved one in a discussion (rather than an argument) about the home and his or her behavior. Ask your loved one what he or she wants to do, rather than just telling him or her what you want: "What do you think you would like to do about the clutter in the home?" "How do you suggest we proceed?"

Help the person recognize that his/her actions are inconsistent with his/her greater goals or values. Ask the person about his or her goals and values: "What's really important to you in life? How would you like your life to be five years from now? What are your hopes and goals in life?" Discuss whether or not the person's acquiring or difficulty organizing or getting rid of things fit with those goals and values. This is most effective if you ask, rather than tell: "How does the condition of your home fit with your desire to be a good grandmother? You've told me that friendships are very important to you; how well can you pursue that goal, given the way things are right now?"

If you have been accustomed to arguing and threatening and blaming, your new approaches will surprise your loved one and it may take a little time before the person begins to trust you. Try these methods in several conversations and notice whether the balance seems to be tilting in the right direction. If so, be patient and keep up the good work.

Another Article by Dr. Tolin

Let's start by defining hoarding as a mental health problem. We realize that these words might be hard for some people to swallow. For some, the words conjure up very unpleasant (maybe even scary) images of serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. Some people with compulsive hoarding do have these kinds of problems, but most don't and won't. We don't mean in any way to imply that having a mental health problem means that you are "crazy," "damaged," or a "hopeless case." Quite the contrary: many people with compulsive hoarding are smart, witty, and delightful, even though we are well aware that they are suffering. What we do mean is that people with compulsive hoarding are not fully in control of their behavior. They didn't sign up for this. They are hooked into a pattern of behavior that even they cannot fully understand or manage. If you are a person with compulsive hoarding, perhaps someone has told you that your hoarding is due to laziness, personality flaws, or stubbornness. By defining hoarding as a mental health problem, we hope it is clear that we don't agree with these opinions.

There's another important issue that comes up with this definition. In many cases, family members, friends, or outside agencies have tried to help by clearing out things from the person's home. Sometimes this is done with the person's permission and sometimes not. We think that these kinds of interventions miss the point. When we focus all of our efforts on the person's house—for example, if we send the person on vacation and then clean out the house while he or she is away, we're treating hoarding as a house problem. But hoarding is not just a house problem; it's also a person problem. Unless the person makes fundamental, sustainable changes in how he or she thinks, feels, and acts—that is, alters the way he or she relates to possessions—the problem is likely to return. This is exactly what research tells us: When someone else takes over the discarding process, the person with the hoarding problem usually continues to acquire and save items, and the house fills up again— sometimes more so than before the clean-out.

So throughout this book, you'll notice that we spend a lot less time talking about your house and a lot more time talking about you—how you feel, how you think, and what you do. From our research and our experience talking with people with compulsive hoarding, we think that much of the problem can be attributed to personal factors such as:


Trouble processing information
Emotional attachment to and unhelpful beliefs about possessions
Reinforcement for avoidance and acquiring

There is a quiz for determining if someone hoards here:

http://www.oprah.com/survey/oprahshow/20071115_tows_hoarding

More Information
You can find resources on compulsive hoarding and its treatment at these websites:

Free materials from Dr. Tolin on compulsive hoarding: www.instituteofliving.org/ADC/compulsive_hoarding.htm

Obsessive Compulsive Foundation: www.ocfoundation.org
The Institute of Living: www.instituteofliving.org/adc

RESOURCES

Family can be supportive but rarely does it work for family to actually work hands on with the person to let go of items. A therapist and a non family "helper" is the best route.

There are support groups that can be helpful as well.