Expert: Juan Carlos Valencia - 11/8/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello... my question is a little involved. I met a Colombian woman on a free social site. We have been talking over Skype nearly every evening now for a few months. Our relationship is progressing on a serious path. And I have planned my first visit to Medellin for Christmas to meet her in person.
A little about me: I am 45, not married, no children, live alone, and I have a stable job.
A little about her: she is 43, not married, no children, and lives with her mother and other family members. She works 6 days a week. I have met a few of her nieces and cousins over Skype. I have not met her mother or other elders. She seems hesitant about this and maybe this is normal. Otherwise, she is open and honest and I have no reason to believe anything is bad.
She is arranging to rent an apartment for us in Laureles during my stay. Of course, I am learning to speak Spanish. And I plan to be fluent with basic necessities for my trip.
I have been searching for information regarding the traditional customs of Colombian women as to practices regarding family, but I have found very little. Because I am a foreign visitor from the U.S., I do not want to cause any problems for her or for me. We have talked about this and she says there are no problems. But I want to be cautious.
In short, I am looking for some helpful suggestions you may have regarding customs, safety, and other things. I know the basics such as do not flaunt money, dressing appropriately, respecting the people and the culture, and keeping a watchful eye to avoid problems.
Would it be better for me to stay in a hotel? Would you see any problems if she stays with me in the apartment? Other things you can think of would be very helpful as well. Thank you very much for your time.

ANSWER: Hey John,

I'm happy to hear another story of people meeting thorough the internet and giving the relationship a chance. Many have worked and I know the case of at least 2 friends who are now married with foreign partners living happy lives. I hope that this works for you.

I'm a bit surprised that your friend, being 43, has never been married nor had any children. Women in Colombia tend to become involved in relationships at a young age and most crave for children. But I do know others, normally highly educated and work-oriented women that have not had good luck in love and are single at that age. Could this be the case of your friend? Try to make sure that this is true.

Additionally, the standards of beauty in Colombian and Medellin society are tough to meet and many nice women, who may not be as thin or do not have certain features, may be disqualified by men. This is the case of some other good friends. One, coming from a family of Lebanese migrants, was not considered attractive in Colombia but as soon as she traveled to the U.K and Egypt, she became an overnight sensation!

Have you seen many images of your friend? Looks are so important for all of us, so make sure that you are satisfied and at peace with her image.

Security concerns are high in Colombia. The country's situation is a lot better now but I'm sorry to say that Medellin remains a trouble spot with crime statistics still too high and sadly they are going up again after a few years of improvement.

Make sure that your friend is the person she means to be. Does she work? Do you know the name of the company where she works? Does she have relatives in the country where you live? Try to discretely confirm all these details to have total peace of mind before you travel.

Staying at an apartment would be cheaper and more convenient for you both, but a hotel would be safer. Your friends back home would know where you are and could contact you easily.You could argue that you want to have internet access available, or a spa, or a pool.

I'm basically suggesting you to be extremely careful. This person could be one of the many, great, interesting and sweet women that have not found a decent partner in Colombia, but you just have to be sure.

Christmas is a great time to be in Medellin, the city is famous for its decoration, full of lights. Lots of locals leave for holidays and the rhythm of the city slows down. It's full of nice restaurants, people are extremely friendly. But you have to be very careful anyway.

I cant tell you how is she going to behave and what should you do. I can only guess and suggest things that may give a good impression:

1-Dress smart

People in Colombia are more formal than in North America. We do wear jeans and t-shirts, but if you wear shirts, leather shoes, long pants (brand jeans), you may cause a better impression. Do not use flashy colors. Short hair is better. Do bring shorts and snickers for a trip outside the city, but try to stick to safe, elegant things if that suits you.

2-Be polite and considerate

Offer to pay bills if you can afford it, invite her mother and siblings, bring small gifts to everybody (picture books of the place where you live, chocolates, biscuits, nice pottery, nothing fancy). Dont start eating until everybody is ready and all dishes are served. Open the door of cars, taxis, restaurants for her. Walk at the same speed as her, offer to carry heavy bags or packages for her. Colombian women are independent but things like this are considered polite and elegant, not condescending.  If you are a good cook, offer to prepare a special dish for her and her family.

3-Dont drink much

Colombians drink a lot but getting drunk in front of the family of your possible girlfriend could cause a terrible impression.

4-Religion

People in Medellin in particular, tend to be very religious (catholic). Normally is just a matter of praying, going to church and having a few images and candles at houses. They could be extremely open-minded in other things. Being religious is not necessarily a sign of being conservative. Be respectful of this religiosity if her family is like that. If they wan to go to mass, keep them company and enjoy it like a tourist would do.

5-Intimacy

Colombian women are not supposed to get intimate quickly with guys. Be patient, seduce slowly, ask her to show you the city, go to the museums if she & you are a little into that, go to nice restaurants or even to dance (dont worry if you are hopeless and she's a good dancer, clumsiness is expected of foreigners and could be the motive of laughs and endearment). Take her hand in the street, let her grab your arm. Kiss her in private at first. Be expressive, talk, say that you like her if you do. One of the big differences between anglo and latinamerican cultures is expresivity. We normally are less afraid or embarrassed of expressing affection. Be aware of her reactions. If you feel confident and like her, if she seems to be the person she says she is, if she seems to be responding to your advances, propose her to go to your hotel (or apartment) one afternoon and see if things get very intimate. Dont ask her to stay overnight, she might feel pressured and may come from a very conservative family.

I hope that all this helps!

If not enough, write back.  

JC

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Juan Carlos, thank you so much for your very quick and thorough reply and also for the well wishes. As you might expect, since this is my first trip to Medellin, I have many questions.

First to answer yours, yes my friend works 6 days a week. I do not know the name of the company. But I have a street address and also a few recent photos of her that were taken at work. I also have her home address, home phone number, and cell phone number. We have talked on the phone a few times. But because we talk and message on Skype (with webcams) nearly every evening using an online translator and my small knowledge and practice of Spanish, we really have no need to speak on the phone.

You mention looks being very important, and yes, I am very happy with the way she looks. It is no joke that many women in Medellin are extremely beautiful. I truthfully cannot say this about the women here in the States. But perhaps, this is just a matter of overall taste.

I have the common courtesies and mannerisms covered, such as the table manners, opening doors, and carrying heavy items for her. But some small gifts would be a nice touch. And thank you for this tip.

There is very little information that I have been able to find about intimacy with a Colombian woman but I have no intention to rush. In fact, her and I do not speak about physical intimacy much beyond sending hugs and kisses to each other on the webcam. But we do speak affectionately with each other such as I love you, I adore you, etc. This is a little odd to me because the women here seem much more open about sex very quickly, generally speaking. However, they are not nearly as open when it comes to expressing love like my friend.

As for the apartment, I told her that we need Internet access and a coffee maker. She has sent an Internet link already with photos. And she has gone to look at the apartment in person and has also spoken with the landlord regarding price. She will be sending more info, and the street address.

As far as her staying with me, she has assured me several times that she will not leave me alone at any time while I am there. In fact, she is taking the week off from work after Christmas so we can spend this time together.

Of course, my next concerns would be security for both of us. I did not grow up in a large city. But I have a fairly keen eye for observing situations and knowing when things are not right. I have read, at least twice, about how pick-pockets work. But I am not sure how to deal with a threatening confrontation. I'm a fairly broad man at 6' tall. I would like to think this may thwart off many potential threats but this could also be a bad thing. Overall, I am very low keyed and not flashy. What do you suppose would be typical crime scenarios (if there is such a thing) I should be looking out for as a tourist with a Colombian lady friend? Are we talking about something as bad as being held up and robbed at gun point by a group of thugs in broad daylight with many people around?

Thank you again, Juan...

Answer
Hey John,

I'm glad that you are being careful. Please try to keep your senses clear while you meet your friend and make sure that everything that she has said is true.

As for security, if you stick to good areas (Poblado, Laureles, Parque Lleras) and dont go out late at night, there should not be any trouble. Go to restaurants and smart bars, avoid clubs and packed places. Dont hail taxis on the street, always call them. Check for agencies in the yellow pages. What's more: try to befriend a taxi driver that speaks some english and use him to drive you everywhere you go. Most of them will have a mobile phone. Bring one GSM phone with you and buy a SIM card locally. It would be very useful.

Avoid talking in English while in public. Pick-pockets will identify you as a "gringo" and will think that you have money to spare...

If you do get in a situation where thieves are trying to rob you, give them whatever they want, move slowly and dont confront them at all. The big difference between theft in Colombia and other countries is that delinquents here carry guns, are impulsive & trigger-happy and if they feel confronted or threatened they would shoot and run. I read an academic research report about victims of crime and that was the big conclusion. Dont fight, be predictable, let them steal whatever they want and let them go. Dont risk your life.

Have a nice trip!

JC