Expert: Peter Gerlach, MSW - 11/4/2009

Question

Hi,
For some time now my mother and I have had the worse relationship. I’m 24 and have been living with her for 6yrs. I lived my grandparents be4 her, so I could go to school and basically, so they could keep an eye on me since she’s a single mom. I saw her everyday since she worked in the area of where my grandparents live. In any event, my mother is not he most affectionate person and has problems with communicating. Her way is to shell out sarcastic comments or say something in a way only few would understand. I understand that everyone has their was way of communicating, but this has driven us apart more now then ever. Frankly, at times  I just can’t be bothered!!! I would think at 24, we would be able to talk about relationships, struggles…whatever it maybe. At this point of my life so much is going on…deciding to do masters program, boyfriend issues, deciding to move out…etc.

I know there are things that she may dislike: i.e sleeping at the boyfriends house, coming and going as I please (simply b/c im in her house), traveling, not helping at home as much as she may like me to.
Part the problem is that, she treats me like a child…
For instance, she went away for 3days…I had 3 friends over for drinks and movie and she comes and shows me the mortgage bill, as if to say, this is her house like I’m not suppose to have anyone while she is not home. Typically, I don’t bring ppl over cause she very hospitable. So for me, I spend as little time at home or if I am I stay in my own space. But my question is, how do I talk to her? Do you think if I move out, things will rebuild it self?

This is even rolling over to my boyfriend of 6yrs too…he feels we should work things out. He thinks the sleeping and traveling with him should stop, which I agree with the sleeping out part. But why should I shop living my life because one deems its inappropriate. My theory is to move out and nothing will be in her face and work on the relationship from a distance.


Answer
Hi Tomeka - a complex question. From your description, I suspect your Mom may be a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC). If so, it's not surprising she has trouble communicating (and thinking?) clearly, and accepting you as a young adult. See these for perspective:

http://sfhelp.org.gwc.htm  and  http://sfhelp.org/gwc/means.htm     Also see...

http://sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm

The first step in communicating effectively is to adopt an attitude of mutual respect, despite any differences. Do you honestly respect your Mom as a person, a woman, and a mother? Do you feel she respects you as a person, a young woman, and as a daughter? If not, see this for options:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/respect.htm

The second step in communicating is to learn how to LISTEN:  
http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/listen.htm

The third step is to get clear on what you need from each other - specifically:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/dig.htm

Finally, learn how to *assert* your needs respectfully, and do win-win-problem solving as teammates.

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm  and  http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/ps.htm

Another issue may be that she distrusts your judgement about some issues (and so she "treats you like a child".") Many GWCs have trouble trusting appropriately until they recover from their wounds. Option - ask her directly if she trusts your judgment - and if not (yet), what you have to do - specifically - to earn her trust?

Finally, review these examples to see if any of them fit your situation:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/options.htm

Incidentally, these steps work with *anyone* - including your boyfriend (!)

Your moving out may reduce the number of conflicts, but probably won't improve your communication effectiveness without true wound-recovery.

Note your option to show these articles to your Mom and discuss them together.

I hope these ideas help, Tameka. If they bring up new questions, please ask!