Communication Skills/opinion required

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Question
Hi there,
I am a 30 year old married guy and I have a bit of a problem that I want to run past you.

To sum it up I believe that only my wife really understands me and that when I am with others I feel 'bored' and lonely to the point that I end up being very quiet and not really saying or doing anything. Basically if I am not with my wife I would rather be on my own.
I do get on well with others but it just doesnt seem real to me - as if I am putting it on whereas with my wife I am just myself.

Does any of this make any sense to you? If so, what would you suggest/recommend to get past it?

Answer
Hi Damien,

An interesting question indeed.  First of all, it is quite something to have such a strong bond with your wife, as well as the sense she gives you of 'getting' you.  In a family, where so much time and responsibility is shared, it is great to have that level of understanding.

With other people though, it should not have to be such a strong requirement that others 'get you' to the level that your wife does. There are many friendships based on specific interests such as football, movies, meeting people at the pub, for example, where outside of those activities, there is little interaction. We can still have fun and share to a certain point with others without there being a strong bond required to cement the relationship.

You said that getting on with others doesn't seem real to you, 'putting it on' as you said. I also noted that you said that your were bored and lonely with others, and that indicates to me something entirely different altogether. If you put up a shield to protect yourself from others, you will be successful in keeping you in and them out.  Of course it won't seem real...because it isn't.

When you share your real self, (and again, I'm not talking about having to go too deep) others genuinely reciprocate back. So it becomes incumbent on you to decide whether you want to live in the real world or just pretend.  One thing is sure, Damien. Relying on just one person for your social needs usually ends in disaster. It is an unfair burden to put on another, and in some cases can turn into a sense of obligation on their part and a sense of right on yours.  This in not healthy, no matter how it feels in the present moment.

The decision, Damien, is do you risk letting people know who you are, even on a small level, in order to get to know them better?  As long as you stay quiet and don't interact with the groups that you find yourself in, you are choosing to exclude them, and shutting yourself off.  You can't escape feeling lonely in these circumstances, but it is loneliness of your own making.

You are young enough to change, and start reaping the benefits of integrating better into the society.  I believe that it is very important that you do.

I hope that this gives you something to think about, and as always, please rate the response honestly,

Phil L. Methot

Communication Skills

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Phil L. Méthot

Expertise

For individuals wanting help with public speaking, I can answer most questions dealing with skills, memory,and body language. Essentially the tools required to become a great speaker. For individuals having trouble communicating one on one, or getting their voice heard, or their message across, I can help you with that too. Listening is an important part of communication, so we can work on improving your listening skills as well. If you feel you are not being understood, that is a deeper issue, but we can start here to steer you in the right direction

Experience

I have successfully worked with corporations as a motivational management consultant across Canada. I have twice been President of a Toastmasters group, as an Advanced Toastmaster Gold. I wrote the multimedia ebook: "10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public Speaker." My book "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self, dealt with self-image and Will Power. Self Image plays a key role in our ability to communicate and listen effectively.

Organizations
Toastmasters - Currently President of Pointe-Claire Toastmasters (club 9750)

Publications
Book: "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self by Phil L. Méthot Book: The Weight is Over - A revolution in Thin Thinking by Phil L. Méthot Multimedia Book: 10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public speaker by Phil L. Méthot Articles in SelfGrowth.com, http://www.uncommonforum.com/

Education/Credentials
Canadian Training and Development Group, success Motivation International

Awards and Honors
Three times recipient of the Presidents club award through the Canadian Training and Development Group and Success Motivation International.

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