Communication Skills/missing link


Dear Sir:
i am 30 years old man, since am middle eastern i live with my family including my parents, my mother once told me she dose not know me i have an aurora of mystery surrounding me, at the beginning i didnt pay attention for this, but i have heard this from different ladies and recently my girl friend told me the same after 2 years happy relationship.
now  i feel confused, i am direct in answering any questions i think of my self as very clear person, if you can help me to know what makes this impression for my beloved ones i will be very thankful.

Hello Ibrahim,

Of course you must realize that without knowing your mannerisms or the way that you respond to people that I can't exactly tell you why you leave this impression.  However, that being said, if you hear something often enough from the people that surround you, it certainly seems to indicate that how you think that you are responding to them isn't what they are hearing from you.

In the science of NLP (neuro linguistic programming),we say that the way a person interprets your what you say, is the message you give. So, Ibrahim, the first thing you need to accept is that, though you feel that you are a clear communicator, your listeners feel different. So we need to find out where this difference in perception is.

The way to do this is to ask your friends and family to tell you what it is about the way the you answer that gives them the impression that you are mysterious, translate that into "holding back information" or being cautious in your answers, or even being aloof. Ibrahim, you need to listen to them without becoming defensive or objecting to their opinion. If you think that you are direct and they tell you that you are not, there is something in how you answer them that gives them this impression.

Ask them that the next time you sound this way to them, that if they could please tell you that you are doing it, and have them explain it to you.  Your job is to listen without judgement. Then try again to say what you want to say, and get them to tell you if it sounds more truthful.

I have a friend who is so secretive about her life, that every time she speaks, you feel that she is hiding 80% of the message.  When I challenge her on it, she is surprised and that I feel that way, and she believes that she is quite open.  Her problem is her base-line belief about what others should know about her is quite small ,so in her own mind she is completely open to that point. Of course everyone else thinks that she is hiding something all the time.

I believe that you will find that your attitude about openness is at a different level than your friends and family, and so to your mind, you are fully open, yet to others you are aloof.

I would suggest, Ibrahim, that you force yourself to let your guard down and let people in.  If you try too hard to hide your weaknesses or strengths, they will feel this and respond the way that they do. It is not always important to be right; it is better to be kind.  It is not an advantage to try to appear flawless.  If you see a flawless diamond, suspect a fake. That is what your friends and family feel.

Trust your friends, and trust yourself more. The more of you they truly see, the more they will like.

I hope this was helpful; please rate this response honestly.
Phil L. Méthot

Communication Skills

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Phil L. Méthot


For individuals wanting help with public speaking, I can answer most questions dealing with skills, memory,and body language. Essentially the tools required to become a great speaker. For individuals having trouble communicating one on one, or getting their voice heard, or their message across, I can help you with that too. Listening is an important part of communication, so we can work on improving your listening skills as well. If you feel you are not being understood, that is a deeper issue, but we can start here to steer you in the right direction


I have successfully worked with corporations as a motivational management consultant across Canada. I have twice been President of a Toastmasters group, as an Advanced Toastmaster Gold. I wrote the multimedia ebook: "10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public Speaker." My book "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self, dealt with self-image and Will Power. Self Image plays a key role in our ability to communicate and listen effectively.

Toastmasters - Currently President of Pointe-Claire Toastmasters (club 9750)

Book: "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self by Phil L. Méthot Book: The Weight is Over - A revolution in Thin Thinking by Phil L. Méthot Multimedia Book: 10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public speaker by Phil L. Méthot Articles in,

Canadian Training and Development Group, success Motivation International

Awards and Honors
Three times recipient of the Presidents club award through the Canadian Training and Development Group and Success Motivation International.

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